It's Election Day

It’s Tuesday. Today is Election Day. Trump struggles to get it up (his crowd count, we mean), the VP rests her case and don’t forget to thank a poll worker.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. How much it uses tonight is totally up to America.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We made it. It’s here. And somehow you look amazing. Seriously. How?! What’s your secret?! Sorry. We digest. Today is the day. Today we send a message to the forces of cruelty and dumbfuckishness that we have had enough and we aren’t going back. We were also gonna send a message to Moo Deng for endorsing Trump by eating the Trump cake at the zoo, but we never trusted that little sonofabitch for one damn minute and we’re trying to stay focused.

Instead we want to say THANK YOU to Kamala Harris, Tim Walz, their families and their teams. We are stressed out, worn out, burnt out and freaked out and we barely left our zip codes in the past few months. What these folks have done for us and for American democracy, is something that defies belief and fills us with gratitude. They have fought the good fight, they have inspired us, they have moved us. And no matter what happens, they deserve our thanks.

And speaking of no matter what happens, well, you can bet on us joining you tomorrow to cuss about it all. It will either be happy cussing or sad and angry cussing. We like happy cussing better, and that’s what we’re planning on. Because we’ve got the best candidate. She has run the best campaign. She has earned the votes. She is a woman of destiny, and she has met the moment. We can only hope her fellow Americans will do the same. That and fuck Moo Deng. What a little asshole. You know that Pablo Escobar liked hippos too. Says it all, don’t it?

Anyway, we love y’all. Take deep breaths and try to stay cool like the Fonz tonight. This stuff takes a while to shake out. It’s enough to drive a person fucking crazy. But remember to Keep Kamala and Carry Onala. Y’all have a blessed day and super duper extra big time blessed night.

Note two: Btw, this shit ain’t over yet so if you haven’t voted yet, get your ass to the polls like now. Take someone with you. We gotta keep fighting until there’s no fighting left to do. Let’s go!

Note three: Trump said Jill Stein is his favorite politician last night. So that means she’s been endorsed by him and David Duke. Congrats to all the Stein voters on that moral high ground. LOL! More: Democrats

Note four: The Wall Street Journal says the VP should pardon Trump if she wins. We say fuck the Wall Street Journal and motherfuck Trump. He can rot. We don’t even know why we linked to this dumb shit. More: WSJ

Note five: Junebug Dirtytaint (JD) Vance has something to say about VP Harris. Don’t worry. After today he goes back to fucking couches full-time. Like the weird garbage he is.

Note six: Of all the dumb and crazy shit Trump has said, closing with the message of threatening Michelle Obama is just beyond idiotic and insane. Makes us wish we could vote again. We won’t, but it sure makes us wish we could. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Did y’all hear that Republicans were talking about squirrels or something? We’ll be totally honest. We’re just too tired and out of fucks to read this story and find out what those idiots are talking about. But we did google it and provide a link in case you give a damn. More: BBC

Note eight: Tucker Carlson says abortions are causing hurricanes. We think he caused him. Or maybe the number four. See how fucking stupid we sound, Tucker? That’s you, bro. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Um… Politico found an avowed white nationalist working as Trump’s regional field director for Western Pennsylvania. Gosh. Wonder why he was working to elect Trump. Sure is a puzzler. More: Politico

Note 10: This is good advice from Cookie Monster…

Note 11: We just thought of something. If you’re reading this in line to vote, then there might be someone else in the same line doing the same thing. You should make a noise like a chicken and twerk for exactly four seconds and that way you and the other Sexy Patriot will know the other one is cool.

Note 12: Holy shit Mickey Rourke is hilarious. This is the energy we’re embracing today.

Note 13: Because the mainstream media is mostly ignoring it, Jeffrey Epstein is on tape saying Trump is his bestest friend. Seems newsy to us. More: Salon

Note 14: Looking for a good omen today? Well the Republican-supporting Home Depot founder died. We know where they can find some shovels. More: NBC

Note 15: How much do we freaking love Tim Walz calling himself petty and encouraging some boos?

Note 16: Trump pretty much called Pelosi a bitch last night. But have you noticed how she always manages to get the last laugh? More: New Republic

Note 17: We forgot to laugh about it earlier this week, but Doodie Pooliani is talking about running for mayor again. That might be tough to do from jail, which is where he’s going after he lied to Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss. Thanks for the laughs today, Rudy! More: CNN

Note 18: LOL. “Black Nazi” Mark Robinson seems sad and angry that the rest of the GOP abandoned him. You can understand why he’s wondering why they put up with so much other messed up shit but drew the line at him. Well, he was just that bad. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you the VP out knocking on doors last night. You gotta love and respect a candidate who puts in the work. What a fun campaign this has been to support.

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news. We think you are so amazing. You care so much, and you make a difference because you do. And we think that’s fucking awesome. We love y’all! Go Kamala!!!!!!

Crowd cialis

Trump is having trouble achieving full crowd population. A man who once packed ‘em in is now speaking to half-empty joints. It’s gotten so bad that even the New York Times and NBC wrote about it. Trump is limping to the finish line. He has never seemed more pathetic. It would be sad if it wasn’t the most beautiful karmic retribution imaginable. Meanwhile our candidate is out surprising people by knocking on doors and spreading joy. It’s not hard to tell which side is acting like it’s winning.

More: NBC

The prosecution rests

VP Harris finished strong last night, standing on the famous Rocky steps in Philly and firing us up like we’re about to take on Apollo Creed. Standing there, the VP made clear that “we will win.” And we believe her. We’re not really sure what else to say at this point except let’s get this done and let’s make this remarkable woman president. We’ve seen what she can do with a campaign in a hundred days. Now let’s see what she can do with a country in four years. You got this, Madam VP. And we’ve got you.

More: WHYY

The important folks

Today is about the voters, and we are proud of each and every one of them. But we also want to ask you to take a second to thank a poll worker today if you’re voting in person. Now we know that the people who read this newsletter are good people who would make this gesture without asking, but we thought we’d offer a reminder just in case. It’s hard to be a poll worker, especially in the age of Trump. But democracy doesn’t work without them. So if you get the chance, tell ‘em thank you. Now let’s go win this motherfucker, SPs.

Today’s clips

Tim Alberta, a staff writer at The Atlantic, said Monday that some of Donald Trump’s own staffers feel “resentment” and “disgust” toward the GOP presidential nominee and are pessimistic about his prospects amid the chaotic way he’s ended the race. More: HuffPost

The first in-person votes of the New Hampshire general election were cast at midnight in Dixville Notch, where there are six registered voters this cycle. More: NBC

While Florida generally makes it challenging for people in the state with felony convictions to regain their voting rights, former President Donald Trump will have no issue casting a ballot for himself today in Palm Beach. More: CNN