It's Debate Time

It’s Tuesday. There are 35 days until Election Day. Some good news out of Georgia, Trump lies about a national crisis and it’s freaking debate time.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It comes in handy when right-wing assholes lie about disaster responses.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, that crazy goddamn news merry-go-round didn’t stop spinning yesterday. In fact, it reached a record speed and the kids went from puking to just flying off into space. It’s all pretty darn fucked up. And that’s why today we’re leading the newsletter by wishing a happy birthday to former President Jimmy Carter.

Perhaps the nicest man to ever hold the presidency, Carter turns 100 today. We’ve almost mentioned it several times over the past few weeks but didn’t because it felt like talking to a pitcher about his perfect game right in the middle of it. We know from Carter’s grandson that he has said he wants to live long enough to vote for Kamala Harris. And goddamnit just typing that out made us all misty and shit. We’re also wondering if this Allman Brothers bourbon coming out yesterday was just a happy coincidence…

LOL! The Allman Brothers’ band put out a bourbon the day before Jimmy Carter’s 100th birthday! How perfect is that? We love the Allmans and we sure love us some Jimmy Carter. Happy birthday to the man that reminds us that kindness and decency are way better than cruelty, dumbshittery and orangeness. Happy birthday, Mr. President! Thank you for your service to this country and to humanity. Here’s the Allman Brothers’ “Ain’t Wastin’ Time No More.” Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: How psyched/nervous is everyone for tonight? We’ll talk more about it in the news section, but we heard Justaboutto Doodiehimself (JD) Vance had to break up his debate prep. Yeah, he broke it up into sectionals. Zing!

Note three: Wow. Vice President Harris raised $55 million last weekend! She did it with fundraisers in San Francisco and L.A. California loves their Kamala Harris, and so do we. More: Reuters

Note four: The chairman of the Federal Reserve said the economy is in “solid shape” and more rate cuts are coming. Woohoo! More: AP News

Note five: This is how real leaders who actually give a shit about people handle this stuff…

Note six: Holy freaking crap, y’all. This ad is narrated by cats. We’ll let you guess if they like Tim Walz or Just Dogsthatarerentedtomakehimseemhuman (JD) Vance more. Thank you to HuffPo for finding this.

Note seven: With all the loss and destruction in North Carolina, it seems crass to wonder how it will affect mail-in voting. Still, there is an election coming up, and it will have a massive impact on how we respond to stuff like this in the future. More: NBC

Note eight: Trump was hawking his crypto shit before he went to Georgia yesterday. You can tell he really cares. About himself.

Note nine: We saw the news yesterday that Dikembe Mutombo had died right as we were sending the newsletter off. We managed to get in a clip at the end, but we felt bad all day that we hadn’t said more. If you have a second, here’s a story about who he was and what he did besides play basketball… More: ESPN

Note 10: This ad had us rolling this morning. Nobody likes Junebug Dillweed (JD).

Note 11: Rudy Giuliani’s hilariously pathetic life just got worse as his daughter endorsed Kamala Harris and basically disowned drunken Gargamel. It might be tacky for us to pile on like this, but fuck that guy. More: Vanity Fair

Note 12: Oh look, another racist piece of shit Republican. It sure is hard to figure out why everyone thinks that party hates people of color. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Pete Rose died. We won’t comment on what kind of person he was, but our granddad said he played baseball harder than anyone else. RIP. More: ESPN

Note 14: Thank you to ABC News for pointing out that Trump’s “dark” rhetoric has gone to “a new level.” Why is ABC the only outfit still doing journalism this year? More: ABC

Note 15: Love to the Olympians and Paralympians who partied at the White House yesterday. Thanks for making our country proud! Have some carbs!

Note 16: Jon Tester had his debate last night, and he crushed it. The word on the street is that race looks bad for us, but the last time we said that a Montanan showed up in the comments to tell us he ain’t giving up. So neither are we. Git his ass, Jon! More: NBC

Note 17: Rob Schneider, the guy who played Deuce Bigalow and whose daughter hates him, is an absolute scumbag. He literally tried to blame someone dying from brain cancer on the COVID vaccine. So yeah, Deuce Bigalow is a fucking idiot. More: HuffPost

Note 18: We’ve resisted showing you this because we don’t want to make you throw up and hate us but someone put up a nude statue of Trump in Nevada. Looks like it must be cold there. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re double-dipping with the Allman Brothers because how often does someone awesome turn 100 years old? Here’s Blue Sky…

Note 20: And on that rockin’ note, let’s go do some news! We are so fucking fired up for tonight, and we can’t wait to talk about it tomorrow with y’all. In the meantime, be sure to party it up for Jimmy. Love y’all!

Yay, Georgia!

While we’re all hoping for some good news out of Georgia this November, we got an early taste yesterday when a judge ruled that the state’s six-week abortion ban is unconstitutional. The procedure is now legal up to 22 weeks there. Judge Robert McBurney went off in his ruling, even mentioning the Handmaid’s Tale. “For these women, the liberty of privacy means that they alone should choose whether they serve as human incubators for the five months leading up to viability.” Well said, your honor.

More: NBC

Sicko

There was some not-so-great news out of Georgia yesterday as the state recovers from Helene while also having to deal with a visit from a real piece of shit. Yeah, Trump showed up in Valdosta yesterday to lie about the federal response to the horrible disaster. Trump, who actually did deny emergency relief requests when he was president, was “lying,” President Biden said. Damn right he was. Trump and the right-wing ecosystem have been pushing the talking point that natural disasters happen because we gave money to Ukraine or some such stupid shit. How about we just be Americans and help people who need it without being total dicks about it? Oh and btw, Biden is visiting North Carolina tomorrow when he won’t be in the way like Trump was.

More: The Hill

LET’S FUCKING GO!!!

So yeah, it’s all eyes on Tim Walz and Jonesingtobe Destroyed (JD) Vance when they face off tonight in New York City. It’s the only debate between these two, and we have to say we’ve been damn eager for it. For the last few weeks, America has gotten to know Vance as a sniveling, lying kiss-ass who will bring terror and fear to one of his state’s own towns in an effort to cozy up to a fucking gameshow host. It’s unfair to put this much pressure on Coach Walz but we really hope he makes Vance cry and then pee himself. Or at the very least makes some kind of couch pun. Fuck him up good, Coach!

More: CBS

Today’s clips

The U.S. has indications that Iran is preparing to imminently launch a ballistic missile attack against Israel, a senior White House official tells Axios. More: Axios

Americans have benefited from huge leaps in breast cancer treatment over the last two decades, but diagnoses are becoming more common, especially among younger women, according to a report published Tuesday by the American Cancer Society. More: NBC