Iceland? Really?

It’s Wednesday. There are 286 days until the midterm elections. The president has no soul, our own party funds ICE and the world hates us.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s never been booed by Al Gore. We don’t think.

Note: Well goddamn, Sexy Patriots. It has already been a morning. The president of the United States is in Davos making a complete ass of himself and that’s after we all had a late-night bout of hope that Air Force One was going down. But before we get into the gnarly shit, we want to start with some good news. Or at least it would be good news if it wasn’t about these fucking assholes…

Welp, so now we know when the antichrist is coming. We love babies. In fact, Adam is having one tomorrow. But we do get a little worried when they’re being crapped out by neo-nazi scumbags. So to set our minds at ease, we called up the Vances’ new baby. Here now is an interview with Donald Ikea Vance…

Us: Hey baby.

Baby Vance: Hey guys! Love the newsletter!

Us: Did your dad name you after Trump?

Baby: Ugh. Yeah, it sucks. I’m not even born yet and I already don’t have any respect for that loser pud.

Us: That’s gotta suck. And your middle name is Ikea?

Baby: Yeah, they wanted to honor my dad.

Us: We’re sorry to ask, but are you sure he’s your real dad?

Baby: It’s hard to say. But the couch is knocked up too, so I might be getting a brother.

Us: Yikes. Oh well. Good luck and try not to grow up to be a nazi fuckhead.

Ok well we feel better knowing that even JD Vance’s unborn child hates him. But doesn’t everybody? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Anyone need some therapy? Well we do. How about today at 3 p.m. ET/Noon PT? See you then!

Note three: We go back and forth on Newsom, but we appreciate him going to Davos to represent American opposition to Trump. Why the fuck is he the only one? More: HuffPost

Note four: Lisa Cook is getting her day in court today. Our broken and corrupt SCOTUS is hearing arguments over whether Trump could fire her. Jerome Powell is there. More: NBC News

Note five: This is so fucking embarrassing. Iceland? Really? Someone put this asshole in a straight jacket already.

Note six: Y’all, we really thought it was happening last night. Air Force One had to turn around because of a mechanical issue and we crossed our fingers so hard that one of them broke. Alas, he was ok. Or as ok as he gets. More: The Guardian

Note seven: Watch out for bad weather, Texas. Ted Cruz is making a run for it again, so y’all might be in trouble. More: Raw Story

Note eight: Want to be embarrassed as all hell? The president of the United States told European leaders they’d all be speaking German, or “maybe Japanese,” if it wasn’t for the United States. More: Mediaite

Note nine: A judge actually put out a HELP WANTED sign yesterday to expedite Lindsey Halligan getting the fuck out of a job that she never legally had. More: NBC News

Note 10: Look at what’s happening in America. We’re starting to hate us as much as Denmark does.

Note 11: Poor Minneapolis has already been through so much. They’ve had to protect their neighbors. And now they have to protect their furniture. More: NBC News

Note 12: What Trump has done to Minneapolis has been evil and un-American. And our national news media don’t really seem to give a shit. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Scott Bessent says he isn’t worried about Europe selling off treasuries. He fucking should be. More: HuffPost

Note 14: But hey, Bessent clearly has his finger on the pulse of the everyday American…

Note 15: Tennessee’s Justin Jones went on Hannity last night and brought hell to Trump’s chief buttkisser. Get his ass, Justin. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Ok this is pretty funny…

Note 17: The guy who allegedly vandalized JD’s house pled not guilty. He sure seems innocent to us. More: Associated Press

Note 18: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to The View, where yesterday Zohram Mamdani reminded us that we can have nice things…

Note 19: And on that adorable note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there during this fucked up dumbass week. And we really hope JD Vance isn’t your dad. Love y’all!

Keep her name out of your mouth
The president of the United States yesterday continued to smear the widow of a woman his secret police murdered. Yeah, during a rambling low-energy press conference, Trump was asked about Renee Good. He attacked her widowed wife as a paid agitator, and he changed the subject to Good’s father’s support of him. Yes, he made it about himself. It was truly appalling, and the press mostly didn’t care. We know this fucking asshole doesn’t have a soul, but we’re also wondering about lots of other people. Remember that when Trump says the murder was a “mistake,” his administration is refusing to investigate what happened. More: Independent

Goddamnit
If you had hopes that Washington Democrats had had enough and were ready to use all their leverage over ICE abuses, well, you can forget it. Democrats announced yesterday that they’re going to go along with funding ICE because they don’t want to defund FEMA and the TSA. Fucking seriously? Yeah, instead of getting tough, our party is agreeing to give ICE another $10 billion. But hey don’t worry because Democrats won a concession that $20 million will be spent on body cams. Hey, cowards, Jonathan Ross has his fucking phone in his hand recording when he murdered Renee Brown. Not sure a body cam would have helped. While it’s true that we have to actually win some shit to have political capital, it’s also true that our party is weak and scared of its own shadow. This is fucking embarrassing. More: HuffPost

Respected again
If you were planning to travel to Europe, you might want to rethink that. Unless you like drinking piss in your coffee. Trump went to Davos last night, and he gave a big speech today basically telling the free world and our allies to eat shit. In what was easily the most embarrassing display by an American president since Helsinki, Trump rambled about Joe Biden, windmills, how he raised tariffs because a woman “rubbed him the wrong way” and how Canada wouldn’t exist without the U.S. The attack on Canada came after PM Mark Carney made clear yesterday that Canada is done with American bullshit and moving on. America has become a turd in the world’s punchbowl, and it is really fucking embarrassing. More: HuffPost, Mediaite, Mediaite II

Today’s clips
Two members of Elon Musk’s DOGE team working at the Social Security Administration were secretly in touch with an advocacy group seeking to “overturn election results in certain states,” and one signed an agreement that may have involved using Social Security data to match state voter rolls, the Justice Department revealed in newly disclosed court papers. More: Politico

House Republicans started a push Wednesday to hold former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in contempt of Congress over the Jeffrey Epstein investigation, opening the prospect of the House using one of its most powerful punishments against a former president for the first time. More: Associated Press

President Donald Trump has asked a federal judge to block his own Department of Justice (DOJ) from releasing a second volume of a report prepared by former special counsel Jack Smith, arguing that public disclosure would be improper after the underlying criminal case was dismissed. More: Newsweek

The European Union’s legislative body on Wednesday halted work on the formal approval and implementation of the trade deal it reached last summer with President Donald Trump. More: NBC News

Warm Arctic waters and cold continental land are combining to stretch the dreaded polar vortex in a way that will send much of the United States a devastating dose of winter weather later this week with swaths of painful subzero temperatures, heavy snow and powerline-toppling ice. More: Associated Press