‘I hate to be controversial’

It’s Wednesday. There are 202 days until the midterm elections. The Justice Department goes pro-terrorist, another J6 scumbag hurts children and a Texas-sized number in Texas.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t take credit for Artemis like some kind of asshole.

Note: We sure hope you’ll forgive us, Sexy Patriots. We know we’ve already talked about JD Vance this week more than a security guard at Ashley’s Furniture. But we just couldn’t ignore his latest indignity. Or maybe indignities is more accurate.

It’s pretty clear that ol’ Julialouise Dreyfussbutsucks (JD) thinks he’s gonna be president. So even though he physically repulses strangers everywhere he goes and might even be so charmless that he literally killed a Pope, he is determined to keep showing up and trying like hell to cram himself down our throats. It’s truly an awful experience for everyone involved. And unfortunately for him, even his own people aren’t buying what he’s selling…

And even better, there are heroes among us who called his sorry furniture fuckin’ ass out…

We really do apologize for putting sofa suck in your face so much this week, but we just really, really enjoy making fun of him. And it’s important to protect your joy. Especially from that piece of shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: That loser sonofabitch also lectured the Pope yesterday. It made us so mad we need confession. Or possibly therapy. How about a therapy session today at 3:30 p.m. ET/12:30 p.m. PT? Great! See you then! You can catch the live here or on YouTube at that time! More: NBC News

Note three: Trump did an interview with cracked out bag lady Maria Bartiromo this morning. It was all lies, bullshit and gibberish. Our favorite parts were when he took credit for Artemis and said gas prices will be coming down soon. Sure, bro. More: FOX Business

Note four: Another brave woman came forward yesterday to accuse Eric Swalwell of rape. We hope that piece of shit rots. More: HuffPost

Note five: Trump also spent part of the morning attacking Jerome Powell. If we had to bet on this one, our money is on Jerome. The best part of this is Trump saying he hates to be controversial. What the fuck is he talking about?

Note six: We link to Mediaite sometimes even though we’ve had our reservations. Well now we’re really not cool with them. One of their media critics was suspended for making things up using AI. Shouldn’t a media critic be better than that? More: Semafor

Note seven: Guy Fieri spent the weekend hanging out with sex creep scumbags. He is very sad that everyone called him out for it. So yeah, fuck Guy Fieri. More: Variety

Note eight: Thousands of troops are headed to the Middle East as Trump says his stupid war is “almost over.” Is there anyone left on this planet who believes this shit? More: Washington Post

Note nine: Todd Blanche said Americans should be “happy” Trump is so involved in DOJ decisions. Todd Blanche protects pedophiles, and he can eat shit. More: NBC News

Note 10: Last year, we were asked to sacrifice for Trump’s tariffs. This year, they’re asking us to sacrifice for his dumbass war. Do y’all remember any talk of sacrifice during the campaign because we sure as hell don’t.

Note 11: Trump is throwing Orban under the bus fast. Someone should tell Orange Orban that he’s got the same loser stank all over him. More: Reuters

Note 12: Today is Tax Day, and we’re all fucking furious to give our money government to put in Mike Flynn’s pocket or to spend on more bombs to drop on little girls. Here’s a story about what happens if you say fuck it and don’t pay. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We have to admit that we are confused to read that Arab Americans in Michigan have no regrets from the 2024 election. We understand the anger over Gaza (we share it), but Kamala wouldn’t be threatening to wipe out an entire civilization. More: Associated Press

Note 14: Ruben Gallego said he didn’t know anything about Swalwell being a “predator.” Do y’all believe him? More: HuffPost

Note 15: We think it’s awesome that JD is continuing to tell lies about Trump and Epstein, and we hope he keeps it up.

Note 16: Looks like that Clavicular kid overdosed. Does he not have anyone in his life who loves him? Because someone needs to help that little shit get his life right. More: NBC News

Note 17: Trump posted another picture of himself with Jesus. We bet he thought it was Sonny Bono. More: Independent

Note 18: Trump bitch David Ellison was supposed to testify in front of Congress today, but he chickened out. This will free him up to spend more time sucking orange taint. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, someone is chopping onions. Thank you to Gov. Walz for this show of decency.

Note 20: And on that emotional note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And hey, it has to be better than the one JD is having, right? What a fucking loser! Love y’all!

DOJoke
The Justice Department is now pro-treason. Yesterday, DOJ moved to vacate the convictions of Proud Boys and the Oath Keepers for sedition against the United States. Trump wants his goons to know they can attack the Capitol with impunity as long as they’re doing it for him. For reasons we will never understand, this is barely news. The next Democratic president is gonna have to be someone who can take these fuckers on because Trump is doing everything he can to embolden these terrorist pieces of shit. More: NBC News

Another one
It happened again. Yet another Jan. 6 dirtbag is going back to prison over being a pedophile. Trump put these people back on the streets so they could hurt more children, and the chickenshit press won’t even fucking ask him about it. If this isn’t a scandal, then what the fuck is? More: NBC News

Texas Toast
Holy freaking shitballs! Y’all must really want to win Texas! James Talarico, who will take on either Ken Paxton or John Cornyn to represent Texas in the U.S. Senate, just demolished all first quarter fundraising numbers for a Senate candidate. Talarico raised $27 million in the quarter that will allow him to put a hurt on whichever Republican asshole advances. We know this was a tough primary, but it’s great to see Democrats have united around James and made sure he has the funds to compete. Let’s go! More: Texas Tribune

Today’s clips
VATICAN CITY (AP) — Inappropriate. Ridiculous. Absurd. Visitors to the Vatican on Tuesday had some choice words for U.S. President Donald Trump after his harsh criticism of Pope Leo XIV for his calls to soften the rhetoric of war.
More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal prosecutors made an unannounced visit this week to a construction site at Federal Reserve headquarters that is the focus of an investigation into a $2.5 billion renovation project, according to two people familiar with the visit.More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Energy Secretary Chris Wright raised eyebrows Tuesday after saying the country “looks like we’re going in the wrong direction” in remarks hailing a new natural gas pipeline project. More: Associated Press

The man who suggested people drink bleach during the COVID pandemic is back with another hit.

President Donald Trump reportedly thinks soda is good for him, because it kills grass — and therefore it must also kill cancer cells. More: HuffPost

WILLIAMSTOWN, Ky. — Rep. Thomas Massie, R-Ky., had a friendly crowd, a keynote time slot and the praise of a local state lawmaker who introduced him as the “archetype of conservatism.” More: NBC News