Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it would like to kick the Knicks’ owner in the nuts.
Note: Good day to you, Sexy Patriots. We come to you on this Friday with a warning. While things have been officially fucked for a while now, the next 11 days will be some of the weirdest, darkest and ugliest days in the history of the American experiment. Here we were thinking well gosh nothing can get worse than the president of the United States attacking a woman for being raped as a child and then HOLY FUCKING SHIT JUST LOOK AT THIS!
Great. Now we have to worry about this piece of shit getting a cabinet post too. We’re sorry we didn’t give you a trigger warning about that because it’s a really fucked up story about a really fucked up person. What kind of deranged sick fuck kills kittens? Oh right. The kind who runs off with her daughter’s rapist. Remember Joe the Plumber? Man, we kinda miss Joe the Plumber. Because what’s happening in Ohio is beyond disgusting. And we are honestly afraid to ask how much worse it can get.
The good news is we have an opportunity for revenge against these psycho freaks in just 11 days. We don’t even have to wait that long. We can go to Amy’s website and volunteer. Or we can all adopt a kitten to keep them far the fuck away from Amy’s gross mom. Regardless, this is a nice reminder that we are up against actual goddamn evil and we have to leave it all out on the field for the next 11 days. At this point we would walk through fire to vote against these nutjobs. Avenge the kittens. Save America. Vote Blue. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Anyone need some therapy today? Yeah, us too. How about 2 p.m. ET/11 a.m. PT? Great! We’ll see you then.
Note three: We realize this is off-topic, but what are y’all going as for Halloween?
Note four: Trump’s Super PAC is now going after Epstein survivors. Are we noticing a pattern yet? More: HuffPost
Note five: Remember 45 seconds ago when you thought the whole psycho-kills-kittens thing would be the worst Republican/animal story you would see today? We seriously have to stop these freaks.
Note six: Thank you to everyone who sent kind birthday wishes to Adam yesterday! Y’all sure know how to make a cussing newsletter feel loved.
Note seven: Trump and Republicans went after LeBron again yesterday. LeBron didn’t really seem to care all that much. More: HuffPost
Note eight: A Russian diesel tanker is heading to the U.S. And all it costs us is our national soul. More: NBC News
Note nine: You know how Trump hires terrible people? Well he hired Britt McHenry. And she went right back to doing Britt McHenry shit. More: TMZ
Note 10: Bring it on, big boy. You can even bring your couch too. We don’t give a fuck. More: Twitter
Note 11: Trump says he’s going after Corey Lewandowski for corruption. LOL. Does fuckhead think we all forgot that he just pardoned George Santos? More: NBC News
Note 12: Fox’s last Senate poll in Maine has it tied. C’mon, Troy! You got this, buddy! More: Fox News
Note 13: If you ever wonder who the 30 percent are who still support Trump, just remember this simp and his weird hatred of bike lanes. Thank god for the ballroom? Wipe your mouth, loser.
Note 14: This is why we want to kick James Dolan in the nuts. We won’t. But we sure want to. More: SB Nation
Note 15: The corrupt and broken SCOTUS did Republicans a big favor yesterday and said New Hampshire college students can’t use their student IDs to vote. Remember when both parties used to encourage young people to vote? More: HuffPost
Note 16: There are reports that Trump called Elon and told him to open up Starlink. We don’t believe for a second that Trump knows what Starlink is. And reports this morning say it’s still not working properly. More: Wall Street Journal
Note 17: Speaking of Elon the Anus, our man in Texas is going right after that asshole and we want to stand up and cheer. Get his creepy ass, James!
Note 18: RIP to Tom Skerritt. Y’all know how much we love Steel Magnolias. Rest easy, Drum. More: HuffPost
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to share with you this clip of AOC talking about our Big Tech overlords and how to fight back against an AI world. This is some real resistance shit…
Note 20: And on that beautiful Sarah Connor note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing weekend. We know you’ll be out there kicking some Republican kitten-killing ass. It’s one of the things that makes you so goddamn sexy. Love y’all!
Elon’s CNN
Elon Musk has now upped his donations to help Republicans to about half-a-billion dollars. But that ain’t even the scary part. The scary part is that the South African Anus also bought into Larry Ellison’s new Paramount/Warner Bros./Skydance company. So not only does this creepy sonofabitch control the GOP and the satellites, but now he controls a whole lot of our media too. There are reports that Elon is worried about what will happen if Democrats win in 11 days. He’s right to be worried. Because man this is all pretty fucked up.
More: CNBC
See Ya Soon, Todd
Todd Blanche yesterday refused to rule out interfering in states’ election certification process. Yes, the man who was Trump’s personal defense attorney and who went to pay a friendly visit to Ghislaine Maxwell before she got transferred to a cushy prison, is now hinting he might fuck with our elections. Someone should remind Todd that nothing lasts forever and he go to prison too.
More: The Hill
True to Form
Trump isn’t just backing Vivek Ramaswamy’s despicable attack on Amy Acton. He can’t stop talking about it. He says it’s one of the best ads ever and Republicans should “thank God” for it. He said this after being told that Amy’s mother fled with her daughter’s rapist, abandoning the children. And you already know about the whole kitten-killing thing. Trump has revealed just how much evil is in this country. He also got that evil to start voting. It’s up to us to stop them. And stop them we must. For America. For our children. And for our kittens.
More: The Guardian, CNBC
Today’s clips
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu ordered a “full lockdown” of the occupied West Bank on Friday after Israel’s military said it killed two Palestinians accused of launching a shooting attack that killed two soldiers and injured three others in the city of Hebron. More: NBC News
The Milwaukee Brewers against the Tampa Bay Rays. The two No. 1 seeds in the 2026 MLB playoffs. Two franchises that have never won a World Series title. More: ESPN
TEL AVIV — Seven oil tankers caught fire or were damaged in the Strait of Hormuz overnight after being hit by Iran or striking naval mines, Tehran said Thursday, a markedly high number as tensions rise over concerns about a return to all-out war. More: NBC News
A federal judge in Florida ordered President Donald Trump on Thursday to sit for a deposition in his defamation lawsuit against the BBC by Dec. 11 or face the possibility of having his $10 billion action dismissed. More: NBC News
Mississippi authorities released video Thursday showing the fatal shooting of a 1-year-old boy by a police officer who opened fire while dodging the car driven by a family friend. A state investigation found no criminal wrongdoing by the officer, but the family’s attorney says it was wanton use of force. More: AP
A federal judge in California has ordered the Trump administration to halt investigations in nine states into whether noncitizens are registered to vote. More: AP
In the final weeks of the 2026 election, Rep. Ashley Hinson, a Republican running for Senate in Iowa, began running a direct-to-camera television ad with a startling message.
“This week, I had to explain to my boys, ‘No, mom does not protect pedophiles,’” Hinson says in the ad. More: HuffPost
It's super late in this election to deny college students the right to vote using their local college IDs. I can't stand SCOTUS republicans. They're taking away the rights of women and voters, one decision at a time.
“This week, I had to explain to my boys, ‘No, mom does not protect pedophiles,’” Hinson says in the ad.
Uh, yeah boys, your mom does--plus she's voted a number of times to keep an illegal war going so that someday you, too, can either get sent as a grunt to die needlessly in a stupid war or you get to die in a terrorist attack inspired by all the cruel shit your mom supports. If Epstein was still alive, she'd probably take you all on a little "vacay" to meet him. You know, like Nutlick did...