High Crimes and High Comedy

Happy Friday. There are 214 days until the midterm elections. Bondi go bye-bye, the racist administration is VERY racist and Trump just wants “a little more time” for his big eff up.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it sure as shit ain’t forgetting about the Epstein files.

Note: It might surprise you to hear, Sexy Patriots, that we don’t find Donald Trump all that charming. Yeah, we’ve always been confused when we hear reporters refer to Trump as entertaining or funny. To us, he’s about as charming and funny as an anus splinter. But today, we’ve gotta give him credit. That dumb sonofabitch had us howling. Sam even peed himself. Please don’t tell anyone. What was so funny? This dumb shit…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE CAN’T BREATHE. Not only is this fucking idiot telling everyone we can’t afford daycare because we need more killing money, now he’s asking for another $1.5 TRILLION for more bombs? Fucking hilarious. You know what would be even funnier — watching Republicans vote for this crazy shit when Americans can’t afford gas or groceries. In fact, we fucking dare them to endorse this lunacy.

We are very much in Trump’s Mad Stanky King era because he must be all the way out of his damn mind if he thinks he’s getting this kind of cash to spend on more kid-killing bombs and battleships he named after himself. But we sure hope he talks about it A LOT so America can see plainly what an out-of-touch psycho asshole he is. Then maybe we can start to get our fucked up priorities straight. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs therapy? Yeah, us too. It’s been a crazy week, so let’s try to make sense of it today at 3 P.M. ET/Noon PT.

Note three: We got new jobs numbers today. They’re pretty good if you just ignore the massive revisions from February. Unfortunately, people who lost those jobs can’t ignore it like the president does. More: CNBC

Note four: Couchfuck is going to Hungary to try and help Orban win reelection. We don’t know much about Hungary, but surely this will backfire, right? Because who the hell would listen to a guy who puts his weiner in the furniture? More: Politico

Note five: Trump’s new acting AG thinks he can make the Epstein files go away just declaring them over. Nice try, Todd.

Note six: Apparently a U.S. fighter jet was shot down over Iran. Details are still sketchy, but whoever shot it down doesn’t know the war is over and they’ve been obliterated. More: Axios

Note seven: The most transparent president ever doesn’t want to obey the law and hand over his records to the public. So yeah, he’s gonna steal more documents. More: NBC

Note eight: South Park’s farewell to Pam Bondi is better than ours. But we’re still gonna try. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Don’t forget we have some massive elections coming up. We need to win in Wisconsin and Virginia. Are you involved? More: Bolts Mag

Note 10: We were gonna make fun of this, but then we realized it might be true and it scared the shit out of us.

Note 11: The Jan. 6 dirtbag Bondi hired to work at DOJ is leaving. Probably so he can do more crimes. More: CBS

Note 12: The dumbshit manosphere fuckheads are very disappointed Trump started a stupid war. Yeah, who woulda thunk the guy who attacked his own goddamn Capitol would also attack Iran? Idiots. More: Mediaite

Note 13: Seems like it would have been a scandal if Biden or Obama had constantly screamed they were going to commit war crimes. More: HuffPost

Note 14: We don’t have anything to link to, but that deranged mofo is still posting about Bruce Springsteen. How the fuck did we get to a place where this is normal?

Note 15: Well, Tiger, we didn’t think you could get anymore pathetic. We were wrong. Get help, dude.

Note 16: When he’s not losing aircraft and troops, Pete Hegseth is doing really, really dumb shit. His latest idea is to let troops carry their personal weapons on base. Congrats to future active shooters. More: Military.com

Note 17: Someone stole a $58,000 sofa. And yeah, we all know who did it so just go ahead and search the vice president’s residence. But we’ll warn the owners right now — you ain’t gonna want it back. More: NBC

Note 18: We don’t usually make fun of people’s physical appearance unless they’re Rudy Giuliani. But man, Steven Cheung really is the fugliest sonofabitch that god ever got wrong. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to space. Thanks to the brave crew of Artemis for these gorgeous photos and a reminder that this beautiful blue marble is worth saving from the assholes.

Note 20: And on that breathtaking note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. And remember, if some crazy asshole asks you for $1.5 trillion for bombs to kill little kids, tell them to fuck off. Love y’all!

Piss off, Pamela Jo

Welp, Pam Bondi is out. She did everything she could to cover for Trump and his pedophile friends, and it still wasn’t enough. The worst part? She wasn’t fired for covering for pedophiles. She was fired for not locking up Trump’s enemies. The best part? She begged Trump to let her keep her job until this summer. He said no. LOL! Bondi is human garbage, and her tenure at DOJ was a disgrace. The only thing worse than her is the next guy. Politico says Trump might be ready to fire more cabinet officials, but they also reported this week that the Iran war is winding down. So what the fuck do they know?

More: Independent, Politico

A Whites-Only Pentagon

Don’t ever go around thinking that your opinion of Pete Hegseth can’t get any lower. He seems to take that as a challenge. There was a massive purge at the Pentagon yesterday as Hegseth fired the Army chief-of-staff and other officers for refusing to remove Black people and women from the list of promotions. Hegseth even fired the chaplain, who is Black. This is now two weeks of reporting about how Hegseth is instituting racist policies at the Pentagon as he tried to resegregate military leadership. Hope he looks forward to testifying about it.

More: NBC

Just a little more time

When he’s not losing pilots and telling us how great the war is going, Trump is asking for patience and “a little more time.” In a Truth Social post this morning, dumbshit said he just needs a little more time to take Iran’s oil so the world can enjoy a “gusher.” This idiot is just determined to make the Iraq War look smart. It sure seems like Captain Cankles finally fucked up so bad that he can’t bullshit his way out of it. Unfortunately, the whole world is probably going to pay the price.

More: Reuters

Today’s clips

Fourth-generation Iowa farmer Mark Mueller is no stranger to the ups and downs of the agriculture industry. But right now, he thinks America is on the cusp of a farm crisis. More: NBC

The firing of Attorney General Pam Bondi, who received widespread criticism for her handling of the Jeffrey Epstein files, was celebrated Thursday by the sexual predator’s surviving victims, who have long felt Bondi could be more transparent about their cases. More: HuffPost

NEW YORK (AP) — President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday that could slap long-threatened pharmaceutical tariffs of up to 100% on some patented drugs from companies that don’t reach deals with his administration in the coming months. More: AP News

NEW YORK (AP) — This is not the run up to the midterm elections that Republicans wanted. More: AP News

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s chief of staff spread a rumor about himself and the secretary sneaking out of the Pentagon City Ritz-Carlton in disguise to go out drinking together, according to a bizarre New York Post report. More: Mediaite

Rapper Gucci Mane was the victim of a kidnapping and robbery plot by a rapper signed to Mane’s label earlier this year, the Department of Justice alleged in a criminal complaint unsealed Thursday. More: NBC