Here Come the Dirtbags

It’s Wednesday. There are 132 days until the midterm elections. Hegseth is defeated by the flu, Mamdani is on a roll and Senate Republicans pucker up.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it won’t make you listen to Kash’s girlfriend sing.

Note: It’s a new day, Sexy Patriots. And that’s some scary shit for some people to hear. But election after election reveals that Democratic voters are sick and fucking tired of being sick and fucking tired, if we may profanely paraphrase Miss Fannie Lou Hamer. While we have seen so many badass fighters emerge to take on the fugly face of fascism, we’ve also seen too many Democrats who thought they could reason or make deals with it or do more of the same and hope voters wouldn’t notice. That was a massive goddamn miscalculation.

We are seeing that no one is safe, and while we know it’s tough for some of y’all, we think it’s a good thing. These folks work for us. And if they ain’t doing that the way we want them to — especially when our national fucking soul is on the line — then they should watch their backs. There’s a new type of Democrat rising. Brad Lander got arrested standing up to ICE. That’s the kind of Democrat we’re rolling with now. You can call them socialist commie pinko leftist whatevers (they were gonna call us that no matter what). We think of them as Pissed Off Progressives. Or we did until Uncle Fester helped us find a new name…

LOLOL. Yeah, handsome, that’s the ticket. There’s honor in being called a dirtbag by an all-time fucking dirtbag. So not only will we accept this name, we shall wear it proudly. We think it sounds cool, and it’s not like our brand can get any worse. So watch out, fascists and centrists and fucknuts Fetterman. The Dirtbag Democrats are coming, everyone. And we are done taking shit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We apologize about the confusion around this week’s therapy sessions. We promise we’re working on it. In the meantime, a protester showed up at Trump’s Pennsylvania rally yesterday and called him a “pedophile.” It did not get the same press attention as Let’s Go, Brandon. Thank you to whomever this hero was. More: The Daily Beast

Note three: This is a five-alarm fire in Texas. People showed up to protest ICE. Some people chose violence. Other people were peaceful and left when told to. All of them got draconian sentences from a deranged right-wing judge. This is some bone-chilling shit. More: The Guardian

Note four: We are loving every non-Alexi Lalas second of this World Cup. We just have to remember to turn it off before the trophy presentation when some asshole makes it all about himself and possibly steals the trophy. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’d like to congratulate JD Vance on meeting his wife. Yesterday. For the first time apparently. (He was way more comfortable with the furniture.)

Note six: Iran says that Trump has given them back their $12 billion. It’s really amazing that Republicans spent a decade attacking Obama for unfreezing $1.2 billion and then did this. But those assholes sure love their hypocrisy and bullshit. More: Caspian Post

Note seven: We were not picked in the first round of the NBA draft. The newsletter will continue.

Note eight: LOL. Remember last week when we were debating if George Conway or Jack Schlossberg were the better candidate? Well the voters didn’t like either of them. Shows what we know. More: NBC News

Note nine: Bode Miller was arrested for shrooms? Is that still a crime? Seems safer than injecting bleach. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We are a year away from the whole goddamn country being covered with a tarp…

Note 11: France is melting. But sure, climate change is a hoax. More: NBC News

Note 12: Maryland state Senate president Bill Ferguson survived his primary challenge. Damnit. So we’re stuck with a wimp Dem. More: NBC News

Note 13: Republicans are planning to lie to the American people about Trump’s stupid war ending until the midterms are over. So if you want this dumb shit to stop, vote for a Democrat. Thanks for the messaging help, Fox!

Note 14: The FBI arrested a top adviser to Eric Adams for bribery. We’re not shocked that Eric’s staff was corrupt as hell. But we are shocked that the FBI gives a shit. More: NBC News

Note 15: What do you do when Milli Vanilli and C+C Music Factory cancel on you and humiliate you? You go get Kash Patel’s girlfriend. Were the burping Budweiser frogs not available? More: Variety

Note 16: The corrupt and broken Supreme Court is all about freedom of religion. But only if they approve of the religion. More: AP

Note 17: What’s going on over at Fox News? Oh nothing. Just some creepy old man wishing more teen girls would get pregnant. Fucking weirdo.

Note 18: Trump is having a rally to kick off our national birthday party today. As always, we hope it doesn’t end with him attacking the U.S. Capitol. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to CNN. Yeah, we were surprised too. But we just love this video of Brad Lander finding out in real time that he won. Seems like such a good dude.

Note 20: And on that charming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and being extra dirtbag-y. It’s a great way to tell John Fetterman to eat shit. Love y’all!

Flu 1; Hegseth 0

Pete Hegseth is a loser. But you already knew that. What you might not have known is that Hegseth’s dumb ass recently ended mandated flu shots for service members. And then the whole fucking military got the flu. Ok that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but a basic training base in Texas got absolutely rocked to the point that the military had to quietly reverse Hegseth’s idiotic decision and start requiring the shots again. There’s a reason George Washington required smallpox vaccinations for his army. But nobody ever accused Pete Hegseth of being George Washington. He’s been accused of other stuff, but not that.

More: ABC News

Zo Rolls

We are now ready to give Zohran Mamdani credit for the New York Knicks winning the NBA championship. Too far? Maybe. But after watching all of his endorsed candidates sweep last night, knocking out two incumbent members of Congress in the process, we are convinced that dude has the magic touch. Seems like the Democratic establishment might have fucked up by keeping Mamdani at arm’s length because voters seem to really like him and candidates who are similar to him. We don’t buy all this Islamophobic garbage that this is bad for our Jewish friends. Mainly because Brad Lander is Jewish and he keeps calling bullshit on those attacks. To us, this doesn’t seem to be about religion. It seems to be about who will go to battle for working people and who wants to play nice. The battlers are winning.

More: NPR

Lunch Plans

Trump is meeting with the Senate GOP today. We hope it sucks for everyone involved. Trump and Thune have been going at each other lately because Thune doesn’t have the votes to do all the crazy fucked up shit Trump wants him to and because Thune hates that his members have to go out on the campaign trail and answer questions about stupid wars and taxpayer payouts for cop beaters and pedophiles. The visit to Capitol Hill comes one day after four Senate Republicans crossed the aisle to vote with Democrats to pass a war powers resolution that really pissed off cankles. Still, don’t buy the media narrative that Trump and the Senate GOP are fighting with each other. They are still proud members of the orange cult.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

The protester who was hit by a car outside the Delaney Hall immigration jail in Newark, New Jersey, on Sunday said she’s still looking for the driver who rammed into her — and that no one from law enforcement has been in touch about the incident. More: HuffPost

TOKYO (AP) — The head of the U.N.’s nuclear agency signaled Wednesday that Iranian nuclear enrichment sites would be visited by his inspectors, a key component in the interim U.S.-Iran to reach an end to the war. But an Iranian diplomat promptly rejected this, saying such a visit can only come after a final deal — a denial that highlighted the precariousness of the ongoing negotiations. More: HuffPost

LONDON — The world’s oldest soccer ball, found in a bedroom once used by Mary, Queen of Scots, will go on display for the first time in the United States — having made the long journey across the Atlantic from Scotland to Florida. More: NBC News

This week when Democrats meet at their state convention to energize and organize their party ahead of November, they’ll be doing so without U.S. Rep. Jasmine Crockett, D-Dallas, who declined an invitation to headline the event from James Talarico, the Senate nominee who defeated her in March. More: Texas Tribune

WASHINGTON — The Army’s commander of its forces in Europe and Africa — who was famously the last American soldier to leave Afghanistan in 2021 — is unexpectedly stepping down from his post after just 18 months in the job, the Army confirmed late Tuesday. More: NBC News

Major League Baseball denied that it targeted players who oppose gay rights and put some of the blame on the San Francisco Giants for an embarrassing flap at the team’s Pride Night celebration, a letter from Commissioner Rob Manfred revealed Monday. More: NBC News

Maryland Democrats chose state Del. Adrian Boafo on Tuesday to advance to November’s general election in the race to succeed his retiring former boss, U.S. Rep. Steny Hoyer, opting for a continuation of Hoyer’s pragmatic style of politics over a more progressive, antiestablishment approach promised by some other candidates. More: AP

NEW YORK (AP) — A study on COVID-19 vaccine effectiveness has finally been published after being blocked from a government health journal. More: AP

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md.) on Tuesday grounded Donald Trump’s plans for the luxury jet that was gifted by Qatar and is now in use as Air Force One. More: HuffPost