He Loves Inflation More Than Don Jr.

It’s Thursday. There are 145 days until the midterm elections. The president is one sick bastard, get ready to invade Iran and Trump loves inflation — he said so himself.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it believes in miracles.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we are not the most superstitious people. While it’s true that Sam didn’t change his underwear once during the homestretch of the 2020 presidential race, that was more about hygiene and laziness than luck. Still, after watching the Knicks last night, we are coming around. What was their secret? Well, they had to cleanse and purify the air after it was all stanked up by a sleepy loser with orange boobies…

Whoa. This is like when Orban lost in Hungary. Someone is showing us a way out and that it can be done! To recap for our non-sports fans — the New York Knicks are in the NBA finals. It’s a best-of-seven series. The Knicks had been on an epic winning streak and were up 2-0. And then Donald Trump showed up and everything went to crap. And it looked like there was a curse in place from Trump’s stench as the Spurs led last night for three quarters. And then the sage started working, and the Knicks came back from 20 points down in the last quarter. It was the largest comeback in NBA history.

There’s a lesson there. We might be down, but we’re not out. We can beat back evil and cleanse this nation of his gross orange hue. We can and we will win again. Nothing is inevitable. We’re just gonna need a shitload of sage. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had a therapy session yesterday, and it was pretty darn fun. If you missed it, you can get caught up here.

Note three: The World Cup starts today, and we are excited despite our reservations and disgust. But the amazing Nancy Armour at USAToday said all the things better than we can, so here’s her column… More: USA Today

Note four: HUGE news today as a MSM outlet actually wrote about Elon Leon’s role in starting a pogrom in Belfast. Someone is gonna have to take this fucker on at some point. More: NBC News

Note five: CNN has put Daniel Dale on the side of a milk carton. Have you seen this man?

Note six: Think John Fetterman can’t get any worse? Well he’s now demanding dick pics from Graham Platner. No word on if he wants to see Ken Paxton naked too. More: WGAL

Note seven: We’re writing early today, so we don’t know what SCOTUS decisions will drop. But we’re sure they will be awful and help usher in the end of the United States. So that’s fun. More: NPR

Note eight: Y’all know we have mixed feelings about Graham Platner. But we have no mixed feelings about Susan Collins. She sucks. She sucks big hairy hog butt. And she voted for Brett Kavanaugh. More: NBC News

Note nine: So many pillars of democracy have either fallen or fallen to their knees to slurp orange ass. Thank goodness for grand juries, one of the few pillars to push back. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We have to ask — has Gretchen Whitmer always been like this and we just didn’t see it?

Note 11: Buckle up, everyone. El Nino is here. And the United States government has dismantled many of our defenses. Fucking idiots. More: AP

Note 12: Trump’s prosecutors are not going for the death penalty for the piece of shit who murdered Melissa Hortman, her husband and their dog. That’s fine. But we’ll be watching to see what kind of deal they give this motherfucker. More: AP

Note 13: Welp, they’re burning crosses again. Thanks, Trump.

Note 14: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists have decided to publish their own vaccine recommendations. This is smart since the guy in charge now is snorting raccoon dicks off of toilet seats. More: AP

Note 15: Bill Gates testified about his buddy Epstein. Now Bill Gates should go sit in his shame closet for the rest of time. More: AP

Note 16: We still think Marjorie Greene is trash. Sorry, trash juice. But we’re glad she’s calling out the Epstein cover-up. It’s crazy there wasn’t a bigger to-do about yesterday’s NYT bombshell. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Just a reminder that Pete Hegseth is a war criminal and the United States is committing war crimes. Happy 250th, everybody!

Note 18: Nancy Nace is still a loser. She is coping with that fact by eating copious amounts of beans. So she’s a loser who is farting a lot. You stink, Nancy! More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going back to Madison Square Garden, where we promise to stay awake. TPM’s Josh Marshall caught this quote from Knicks’ point guard Jalen Brunson and tied it to our current nightmare. We thought it was inspirational enough to share…

Note 20: And on that motivational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an amazing week. And if some dumb orange sonofabitch has fucked it up for you, just get out the sage and Ben Stiller. Love y’all!

22 Doctors!

So Donald Trump is one sick fuck. That’s not us saying it. That’s his doctors. Ok fine. His doctors are telling us he’s totally healthy, so we know they’re fucking liars. Our question is why are there so many of them? According to the Washington Post, Trump was seen by 22 specialists on his last check-up, which came oddly close to the previous check-up. We assume this is about his syphilis or doctors are trying like hell to find a heart or a brain. But didn’t Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson spend like a year telling us the president’s health is the most important topic ever? Maybe 22 doctors could help those weasels find their spines.

More: The Independent

More War

It was a jarring morning as Trump put out a Truth Social post promising to invade Iran and followed it up by going on Fox News to rant like a psycho freak. Trump said he wants to send ground troops to take Kharg Island but he doesn’t think Americans “have the appetite” for it. Unfortunately for everyone, Fox host Ainsley Earhart disagreed as she clearly has a bloodlust that can’t be satisfied. The post and interview came after more missile strikes. We’ve been told for months now that a deal was coming, that we control the Strait of Hormuz and that Iran’s military has been destroyed. These were all lies. But we’re sure whatever comes next will be totally aboveboard.

More: NBC News

Trump Hearts Inflation

What’s the difference between Don Jr. and inflation? Trump loves inflation. But don’t take our word for it. Just watch this clip. And get ready to see it a lot this fall.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — A federal judge denied a request to temporarily halt the Trump administration’s proposed “anti-weaponization” fund but warned the Justice Department not to misrepresent the status of the $1.8 billion fund, which acting Attorney General Todd Blanche told Congress is not moving forward. More: NBC News

Brad Lander, New York’s former comptroller and a Congressional hopeful, appeared in court for a bench trial Wednesday in his September arrest while protesting conditions at an immigration holding facility. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — Defense industry leaders have been preparing to meet with President Donald Trump at the White House later this week in what is expected to be a contentious discussion as concerns grow over the U.S. supply of missiles, according to two people familiar with details of the meeting. More: NBC News

Damaging storms swept through the Midwest, knocking out power to hundreds of thousands of customers and causing more than a thousand flight delays or cancellations at Chicago airports with more potentially severe weather expected Thursday. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The economic fallout from the Iran war — higher energy prices and increased uncertainty — will drag down global growth this year, the World Bank said Thursday. More: AP

President Donald Trump’s planned UFC fight on the White House’s South Lawn has required a monumental effort from more than seven federal agencies, hundreds of staff working onsite daily and at least $60 million, according to a legal filing that offers a glimpse into the preparations. More: AP