Harris hits Putin’s punk

Today’s Big Stuff. October 9, 2024.

It’s Wednesday. There are 27 days until Erection Day. Harris hits Putin’s punk, Trump wants to cheat in North Carolina and Justa Disaster (JD) craps the bed in Michigan. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It also made you do a double-take on the word election. Sorry. We’re just trying to have a little fun.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We know this ain’t the time for games and tomfoolery and we’re sorry to be pulling your legs with the whole election/erection thing. But if you’re anything like us, your Great Joy has been joined by a Great Clinchening of the Sphinctus lately. And how could it not? It’s only our lives and country at stake. We have to joke and cuss and make poop jokes to keep from losing our damn minds. And that’s why today we are honoring Joe “Dark Brandon” Biden. 

Yesterday, the world learned that Trump has been secretly talking to Putin and even sent the former KGB agent COVID tests when people here couldn’t get them. But there was more in that story. A lot more. There were also Joe Biden’s feelings about a lot of different folks, and our appreciation for Dark Brandon is at new heights…

Yes, Dark Brandon. Yesssssss. This is the way. He apparently says the same things about Bibi and Joe Manchin. And all we can think is Biden must be a Sexy Patriot and reads this newsletter every day, right? The funny thing is we’ve been frustrated for years that Joe is so darn polite and focused on working with people to get something done for the American people instead of cussing his enemies to hell and back. If he’d been publicly calling these guys fucking assholes all along, who knows what the world would look like right now? Probably not great, which is why he acts like a grown-up and doesn’t do the shit we want to see him do. But it’s still nice to know he does in private. Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNN

Note two: By the way, we asked the TBS Fact-checker if Trump, Bibi and Manchin are actually fucking assholes and it gave us four Hell Yesses, which is the most it gives. 

Note three: Joe Biden and Kamala Harris bailed out the Teamsters’ pension and in return the president of the Teamsters went on Theo Von’s podcast yesterday and shat all over them and the Democratic Party. The Teamsters need a new president. More: Mediate

Note four: Hey so we’re worried about Wisconsin. The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Sen. Tammy Baldwin’s campaign has her up 2 by Harris down 3. We need you, Badger State! More: Wall Street Journal

Note five: In Michigan, Elissa Slotkin took Republican Mike Rogers to school last night. He really needed it.

Note six: And in Arizona, the Harris campaign is trying to make a huge splash in early voting. If you’re in a position to help them do it, there’s no time like right effing now. More: NBC News

Note seven: Yesterday Republican Congressman Chuck Edwards put out a statement “debunking” the lies his party has spread about the federal response to Helene. Maybe he should send it to the asshole who is leading his party. More: CBS News

Note eight: Black Nazi Mark Robinson missed another Helene vote. What the hell does he do all day? Nevermind. Please don’t answer that. More: CBS17

Note nine: Yesterday on The View, which Kamala Harris totally crushed, the VP had kind words for Maya Rudolph and her Harris impression. Meanwhile Trump threatened to filet and eat the guy they have playing him. We’re kidding, but you get our point. More: EW

Note 10: Even though we are super pissed off at the Teamsters president, we are still very pro-union. So congrats, fellas.

Note 11: We’re not including the clip because it’s gross, but CNBC’s Joe Kernen was defending Trump over the E. Jean Carroll verdict, arguing that a jury only found Trump liable for sexual abuse and defamation and not rape. What the hell is wrong with these guys? More: Mediaite

Note 12: Stephen Miller was giving out dating advice last night. We’re not even kidding. Jesse Watters told him he had a reputation as a “sexual matador” and then Stephen said the way to get girls is to be a loud and proud Trump supporter. This is all stuff that really happened. We would make a joke but our fucking heads just exploded. Guys, DO NOT take dating advice from either of these chloroform bulk-buyers. 

Note 13: This is a fun one. Trump says he went to Gaza. He definitely didn’t, but he insists he did and so everyone is trying to figure out if he’s just lying as usual or if his fucked up brain actually thinks he did. Isn’t that the exact kind of game you want to be playing with someone in control of nuclear weapons? More: CNN

Note 14: It’s still so weird to us to see Howard Stern as evolved and decent, but Sam has the same problem every time he passes a mirror. Stern’s interview with VP Harris was fantastic and definitely worth your time. More: Huff Post

Note 15: And while crushing it on The View, the VP also dropped an important policy proposal for millions of Americans. Compare this to the gibberish coming out of Trump’s ass-mouth. 

Note 16: Congratulations to Jessica Campbell of the Seattle Kraken. Last night she became the first woman assistant coach in the National Hockey League. Guess she didn’t aspire to be humble. More: CNN

Note 17: Oh this is just too good. You know those bibles Trump is selling for $60? Well they’re being made in China for $3. Does this guy love god and American or what? More: Associated Press

Note 18: Julia Roberts is stumping for Harris in Georgia. Robertis from there, which is funny because we would have guessed heaven. Don’t look at us like that. We’re just big fans. More: AJC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you VP Kamala Harris having a Miller High Life with Stephen Colbert. And then roasting the living shit out of Trump as a loser. 

Note 20: And on that fantastic note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. And if you live in Florida, please be safe. Don’t make Joe Biden cuss you out. Love y’all! 

Git his ass
While doing some interviews Tuesday, VP Harris hit Trump hard on the report from Bob Woodward’s book that Trump sent Putin COVID tests and has spoken with the Russian president at least seven times since leaving office. Our favorite was on Stern’s show when she said: “He thinks Vladimir Putin is his friend. What about the American people? They should be your first friend.” Yes! Thank you! More: CNN

You’ve got to be kidding
You know how Trump and his idiot party have argued for years that one of the reasons the election was “stolen” from them was because of voting allowances made to accommodate a country in the middle of a fucking pandemic? Well that makes it extra rich that Trump’s campaign is now demanding North Carolina add extra voting accommodations for people affected by Helene. We’re in favor, but that’s because we love democracy and want people to be able to vote. And because we’re not full of shit like Trump. More: Raw Story

Keep talking, weirdo 
One day after refusing to agree to keep funding that created hundreds of auto jobs in Michigan, Joker Doodooface (JD) Vance said, while visiting Detroit, that the money and jobs were “table scraps.” Oops. Yeah, he’s still weird and bad at this. Oh and to make things even better, the people searing “Auto Workers for Trump” t-shirts weren’t auto workers. How the hell is this race even close? Oh right. Racism, misogyny and ignorance. More: Daily Item, New Republic

Today’s clips
An examination of a new election rule in Georgia passed by the state’s Republican-controlled election board suggests that local officials in just a handful of rural counties could exclude enough votes to affect the outcome of the presidential race. More: Pro Publica

Former president and current GOP nominee Donald Trump ranted about Democratic rival Kamala Harris’ appearance on “The View” in yet another unhinged post on his Truth Socialplatform Tuesday. More: Huff Post

Former President Donald Trump did send coronavirus testing devices to Russian President Vladimir Putin at the height of the pandemic, the Kremlin confirmed Wednesday. More: NBC News