Happy Holidaze

It’s Tuesday. There are 315 days until the midterm elections. Bubba calls Trump’s bluff, the truth finds a way and some more horrifying Epstein news.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t go around naming stuff after itself like a total asshole.

Housekeeping note: Adam will be live on Substack with Mary Trump at 2:30 ET today!

Note: Feliz Navidad, Sexy Patriots. We’re gonna make this the last newsletter of the week, but before we go, we just had to say thank you. But how in the world do you properly thank the sexy people who keep you rockin’ and rollin’ even under the dark clouds of fascism? Well, we thought about it for a minute, and we figured the best thing we could do is call in a favor.

So please welcome Saint Nicholas himself, Santa Claus…

Us: Santa!

Santa Claus: Hey boys! Love the newsletter! Even though it’s pretty naughty.

Us: Thanks, Santa! We really appreciate you being a Sexy Patriot. Do you think you could bring hope and presents to all the Sexy Patriots?

SC: The real hope and presents are inside them.

Us: What? What kind of shit are you trying to pull, big guy?

SC: I’m sorry! The goddamn tariffs broke me. Kids aren’t even getting the government-allowed two dolls this year. Everything has gone to fucking hell! What the fuck did you do, America?! Do you have any idea what that dumb sonofabitch has done?!

Us: Yeah, we’re upset too.

Santa: Fuck it! Where’s the model airplane glue?!

Us: Well this did not go how we thought it would. Hang in there, Santa.

Yikes. Sorry about that everybody. Well we might not be able to deliver presents, but we can definitely offer some hope. Because we’re here to remind you that there are lots and lots and lots of us and we are all furious and disgusted by what’s happening. Even Santa is pisssed. So have a happy holiday season, SPs. You’ve certainly earned it. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you missed our therapy session yesterday, you can catch up at this link. And this video is our actual present to y’all. Yeah, we found exclusive footage of the new Trump-class battleships…

Note three: Last night a raging Trump said the New York Times “must be dealt with and stopped.” Guess they should kiss his ass harder.

HuffPost

Note four: That guy with his weiner in the couch wants us to think he’s tough. Does he know know we see him kiss wrinkled orange ass every damn day? More: HuffPost

Note five: TRIGGER WARNING! That is not a joke. This is (hopefully) the most fucked up thing you’ll see today…

Note six: DOJ is literally putting out tweets telling us not to believe the Trump stuff in the files. LOL, sure. More: NBC News

Note seven: America hates Donald Trump, and everyone knows it except him and the mainstream media. More: Yahoo News

Note eight: Bill Maher says that people protesting for human rights are “a joke.” He then went back to sucking farts out of Trump’s ass. Seriously who does this blow-dried bitch think he is? More: Mediaite

Note nine: LOLOL. The Trump administration wants us to believe that GDP grew at 4.3 percent last year. Yeah, and Trump is innocent of the Epstein shit. More: CNN

Note 10: Dumbass is back on his Greenland bullshit. He wants to be Putin so bad.

Note 11: Big thanks to Rep. Joyce Beatty, who is suing Trump over renaming the Kennedy Center. We still can’t believe he wants to call it the Cankles Epstein’s Best Friend Center. More: NBC News

Note 12: Thank goodness. We finally found someone in the government who isn’t coddling convicted child trafficker and rapist Ghislaine Maxwell. More: Associated Press

Note 13: We have to give some props to Adam Mockler for stuffing Scott Jennings in a locker last night. Or was it a lockler? More: Mediaite

Note 14: Trump is now fucking with blind people. We’re not even kidding. If we looked like Trump does, we think blind people would be our favorite kind of people. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Oh this is fun. Hunter Biden is now going after Trump and Epstein on Trump-friendly shows. We are totally here for Hunter’s third act to be a John Wick-style revenge machine on everyone who fucked with him and his dad. Git his ass, Hunter!

Note 16: Yesterday the Trump administration said that Putin is committed to peace. And then Putin murdered some more people. More: NBC News

Note 17: Don’t forget to buy your Powerball tickets. We need some rich people who are decent and not total creepy assholes. More: Associated Press

Note 18: This is a story about Catholic bishops asking Trump to stop his ICE raids during Christmas and Trump telling the bishops to eat shit. If a Democrat had done this, it would be a war on Christianity. But Trump does it and it’s fucking crickets. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to say thank you. Y’all are the wind beneath our cussing wings, and we love you very, very much. So here’s Bing Crosby and David Bowie singing “Little Drummer Boy” to add to your holiday enjoyment. And because we’re us, we also linked to South Park’s Eric Cartman singing “O Holy Night.” More: YouTube I, YouTube II

Note 20: And on those melodic yuletide notes, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have the most amazing holiday season. And if you see Santa, please give him some milk, cookies and weed. He’s having a hard time. Love y’all!!!

BONUS — Just for the hell of it, here’s our favorite scene from Home Alone… More: YouTube

Bubba calls bluff
We won’t lie — it is really fucking hard defending Bill Clinton sometimes. And we’ve said from the beginning that if he did evil illegal shit with Epstein, then he should be locked the fuck up. So when the Trump DOJ did that smear job on Bubba last week, we were ready to put him in a cell and move on with our lives. But Bubba is fighting back. Yesterday Clinton’s spokesman called for all the files to be released, blasting DOJ for a selective release to try and put all the heat on a Democratic president instead of Epstein’s best friend. We don’t know if this is the action of an innocent man or another Epstein creep. If he’s guilty, lock him up. Either way, release the fucking files. More: Politico

Nice try, Bari
Bari Weiss didn’t want us to see the 60 Minutes report on Trump’s El Salvadoran concentration camp. But truth finds a way. Because Bari is an incompetent dumbshit, she forgot to censor the international episodes of 60 Minutes. So Canada had it and posted it. LOL. Bari and CBS spent all night trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube by sending lawyers after everyone, but it’s out and you can see it here. It’s an important and disturbing piece. So fuck Bari Weiss for trying to hide it from us. More: Mediaite, Watch the full 60 minutes piece here.

Drip
Another batch of Epstein files are out, and they are finally mentioning Trump. Despite DOJ’s best efforts to run interference for Trump, we now have that letter from Epstein to Nassar. We also have a letter from a U.S. Attorney telling DOJ that he looked at Epstein’s flight logs and they “reflect that Donald Trump traveled on Epstein’s private jet many more times than previously has been reported.” Some things are complicated. Trump covering up for his dead pedophile friend to protect himself and other rich pedophiles is not complicated at all. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
A judge on Monday scolded Jeffrey Epstein’s longtime confidant Ghislaine Maxwell for including confidential victim names in court papers seeking to set aside her 2021 sex trafficking conviction and free her from a 20-year prison sentence. More: HuffPost

Lawyers for former CIA Director John Brennan want the Justice Department to be prevented from steering an investigation of him and other former government officials to a “favored” judge in Florida who dismissed the classified documents case against President Donald Trump. More: Associated Press

George Conway, the former conservative lawyer-turned-ardent critic of President Donald Trump, has filed paperwork to run for Congress in New York City as a Democrat, a source close to Conway confirmed. More: NBC

Incoming New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani will be sworn into office in January by state Attorney General Letitia James and Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt., his fellow democratic socialist. More: NBC News

Former CBS News anchor Katie Couric on Monday called out the new leadership at her old network after CBS News editor-in-chief Bari Weiss abruptly yanked a “60 Minutes” segment on the notorious CECOT prison in El Salvador. More: HuffPost

A short video clip that appeared to show Jeffrey Epstein attempting to commit suicide in his prison cell was included in a new release by the Department of Justice, but the clip is not genuine footage. It’s a fake recreation that nonetheless fooled TMZ and others following the story. More: Mediaite