Happy #$@#! Holidays!

It’s Monday. There are 679 days until the midterm elections. We’re going to war with effing Panama, Trump’s first AG pick is a child rapist and the most messed up non-Trump story of the weekend.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Today try to imagine it with a big red fucking bow.

Note: Ho-Ho-Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are ya? Ready for some yuletide action? We are too. And while we have much horrifying chaotic shit to discuss today, we’re going to take the next few days off to celebrate and relax. But before we do that, we want to share with you a holiday message from our favorite jolly saint in a big red suit — Santa Cuss…

Merry Christmas, you gorgeous sonsofbitches! Ok who am I kidding? Everything fucking sucks, and there ain’t nuthin’ merry about it. Sorry to stick a big ol’ lump of coal down your chimney, but we both know orange krampus is about to doom us to four years of candy canes up the keister. That’s why I want you to do Santa Cuss a big favor and have a goddamn blast this year. Whatever you’re doing and whatever you are, just really cut loose. Be irresponsible. Be reckless. If you’re thinking about having an extra piece of cake or smoking a little extra grass or giving amateur drag-racing a try, go for it. Because fuck it. Why not, right? Everything is going to absolute reindeer shit anyway so let’s get wild. Hell, half the elves are strutting around without any pants on and Mrs. Claus ran off with Hot Frosty. The North Pole is getting weird this year. So Merry Christmas and let’s burn this motherfucker down!

Whoa whoa whoa!!! Sorry, everybody. We weren’t expecting that. In fact, it might not have been the real Santa Cuss. On a serious note, we sure are grateful to each and every one of you for joining us, and we hope you have a wonderful holiday season. And remember, as bleak as the future may be, we’ll be here to cuss it together. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We know this time of year can be extra sucky for a lot of people, but we want you to know we love you and you’re not alone. And if you need it, the number for the suicide hotline is 988. We need you here to laugh at our shitty jokes, Sexy Patriots.

Note three: Democratic Sen. Fetterman says we should “chill out” over Trump being elected. We say fuck that and fuck Fetterman. We don’t need another Sinema. We didn’t care much for the last one. Stand for something or go home.

Note four: Hey btw you probably notice that the government didn’t shut down. Well you can thank Hakeem Jeffries and Democrats for bailing out Republicans again. Someday we really need to let those fuckers deal with the consequences of their actions, but keeping the government open over the holidays was the right thing to do. More: MSNBC

Note five: It honestly feels crazy talking about anything else other than Matt Gaetz right now. What a sick fuck! Also, how funny is it that he spent the weekend trying to beef with Martin Short and SNL? LOL! Looks like you got bigger problems now, Matty! More: HuffPost

Note six: This is really an incredible act of mercy by President Biden, and it makes us proud to be Democrats. We know Trump was eager to start killing these folks. We also like that Biden left Dylan Roof, the Tree of Life guy and the Boston marathon bomber behind. We can be vengeful like that.

Note seven: Is it possible Utah elected a Mitt Romney with a spine? We’re not getting our hopes up, but we’ll take what we can get. And why does this guy sound tougher than fucking Fetterman? More: HuffPost

Note eight: Someone want to tell this ass-kissing shit weasel that America doesn’t have prime ministers and the richest man in the world definitely doesn’t speak for the people?

Note nine: All that President Elon Leon shit is clearly getting under Trump’s skin. So let’s keep it up. More: HuffPost

Note 10: That hottie who killed a health insurance CEO pleaded not guilty today. We think he’s guilty though — of being fine as hell. More: NBC

Note 11: It’s amazing that Trump is being gift-wrapped a humming economy and yet he’s still determined to fuck it up. More: AP News

Note 12: You know that total piece of shit who created the myth of Trump as a great businessman on the Apprentice and then spent years making sure none of the outtakes were leaked? Well Trump just made him ambassador to the U.K. A lot of dirtbags are getting favors paid off these days. More: Politico

Note 13: Kari Lake and Tim Miller from the Bulwark apparently got into a scuffle. So the Jerry Springer show is back. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Joe Manchin is very angry at the Democratic Party. Fortunately, we have already forgotten whoever the fuck Joe Manchin is. We think he used to be a senator. More: CNN

Note 15: This seems like a good lesson in why you don’t screw over your friends…

Note 16: What Trump is getting ready to do to trans people is going to be awful and cruel and un-American. And we will fight back every chance we get. More: The Wrap

Note 17: Ivanka Trump says she is done with politics. Unfortunately, Ivanka is a lying piece of human garbage so we don’t believe a goddamn word she says. And the same goes for CNN. More: CNN

Note 18: Some good news! Joe Biden has not beaten Trump’s record for confirmed federal judges. It just really fucking sucks that Trump gets another four years of it. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to congratulate the Penn State Nittany Lions women’s volleyball team on their eighth national championship. Woohoo to Coach Katie Schumacher-Cawley, who won the tournament while battling breast cancer. Talk about some badass shit. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure do love you, Sexy Patriots, and we hope you have the best holidays ever. Don’t forget to leave out milk and cookies for Santa and a big ol’ pile of reindeer shit for Trump. Love y’all!!!!!!

Note 21: And for a bonus, here’s the Muppets doing Joy to the World…

Note 22: And here’s John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell recreating the David Bowie-Bing Crosby collab…

Here comes the dumb

So Trump apparently has his eyes on world domination, but like in a stupid way. Over the weekend, orange assface decided that the U.S. should own the Panama Canal and threatened to take it from the country. Then he announced the U.S. should own Greenland. We have no idea how any of this dumb shit is supposed to make eggs cheaper. It’s nice of him to let us know just how idiotic the next few years are gonna be though.

More: AP News, NBC

What?!

So this is the craziest fucking non-Trump story you’ve ever heard. A Republican member of Congress went missing for six months and nobody seemed to notice. It turns out Rep. Kay Granger is suffering from dementia and that’s why she hasn’t voted since July. She’s living in a facility, but her son insists it’s not a dementia facility. First of all, how many Republicans have been covering this up? Second of all, how the fuck did the Capitol Hill press miss this for six months?

More: CNN

Yikes on yikes

So Matt Gaetz is somehow worse than we thought. CBS obtained the House ethics report and it’s a doozie. Apparently Gaetz has paid more than $90,000 to women, repeatedly had drugged up sex with an underage victim and solicited drugs and prostitutes from his Capitol Hill office. One of the statutory rapes allegedly occurred when Gaetz was a congressman. Because he’s a total dunce, Gaetz spent the weekend whining about SNL, threatening to run for Marco Rubio’s seat and being praised by Trump. Oh and he sued to stop the release of the report. Seems a little late for that. So we think Americans should know if Trump knowingly tried to make a statutory rapist his Attorney General? We also think the nation deserves to know how many Republicans covered this gross shit up.

More: CBS

Today’s clips

Lara Trump, President-elect Donald Trump's daughter-in-law, said on Saturday that she decided to remove her name from consideration to be a senator in Florida. More: NBC

Opponents of abortion are increasingly focusing on restricting access to pills, which are the most common way to end a pregnancy in the U.S. More: HuffPost