Happy Friendship Month!

It’s Wednesday. There are 405 days until the midterm elections. The president craps himself at the UN, a big win in Arizona and a great night for the First Amendment.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it doesn’t blame it on the UN like some kind of dumbass.

Note: We’ll be honest, Sexy Patriots. We were at a bit of a loss. For that dipshit display at the UN to come so closely on the heels of the idiotic Tylenol shit and then get chased by even idioticer escalator and teleprompter shit, we were almost overtaken by the stupid. We stood there at AltMedia HQ staring at each other, sputtering and stammering and trying to form coherent sentences. And then we saw this and our faith in humanity was briefly restored…

YESSSSSSSS!!!! This is how you freaking do it. Trump is losing his shit and he’s losing it fast, and we can help that descent into poop-covered madness by trolling his orange ass to the moon and back. Who knows if this shit gets back to him? Who knows if he even knows where he is? But we like to think he knows that he’ll forever be linked to his gross evil pedophile friend and we aren’t dropping this anytime soon.

So thanks to the masterminds behind this brilliant Friendship Month statue. You really pulled us out of nosedive. Because things are just soooooooo fucking stupid right now. So fucking stupid. Y’all have a blessed day.

UPDATE: Trump sent goons to take down the statue even though the people who put it up had a permit. They’re probably going to keep it where they keep the Epstein files. Fucking coward. More: WUSA9

Note two: We’re planning to do a therapy session this afternoon at 4:30 ET/1:30 PT. Please join us if you can.

Note three: While we were writing, we were following reports of a shooting at a Dallas ICE office. It’s impossible to know at this point if this is about Trump’s fascist immigration policies or if it’s just another Wednesday in America. More: Fox4

Note four: We’re gonna talk about Jimmy’s big comeback more in the news section, but we did want to point out that the president of the United States is a whiny bitch-man who is once again threatening to sue ABC. Boo-freaking-hoo. More: HuffPost

Note five: There were so many poignant and important moments from Kimmel’s return, but we can’t get past this supercut of all the times Trump said not to take Tylenol. How the fuck are the press not asking about this guy’s cognitive abilities?!

Note six: TACO Trump did a total 180 on Russia and Ukraine yesterday and our heads are still spinning. Is this real? Was he having one of his episodes? What will the policy be today? More: The Guardian

Note seven: Trump enjoys talking shit about the mayor of London. Well the mayor is talking shit back. More: NBC News

Note eight: DeNiro as Brendan Carr was fucking hilarious. The line about putting autism in Tylenol made us lol. More: Mediaite

Note nine: VP Harris was back on The View yesterday and we thought it was great. A lot of people are asking why she’s doing this book and the tour and wondering how it’s supposed to help her political career. Maybe she just has some stuff she wants to say. She ran a historic campaign after an enormously successful career. She should be able to talk whatever shit she wants. More: EW

Note 10: The White House is accusing the UN of sabotage because Trump’s teleprompter and escalator didn’t work. If that’s true, we’d like to thank the UN for this hilarious footage. Cankles can’t walk up a flight of stairs?

Note 11: We seriously thought Lindsey Graham crawled up Trump’s ass and was never coming down. It was nice forgetting that his weasel ass even existed. More: HuffPost

Note 12: The guy who tried to kill Trump at his golf course was found guilty yesterday. He represented himself and then tried to stab himself in the neck with a pen. We haven’t confirmed this, but we think the dude was just a really big Herman Cain fan. More: NBC News

Note 13: You can just feel the love, can’t you? She seems to hate him as much as we hate him and her.

Note 14: Trump is totally going to bail out Argentina with our money. He says he’s not, but we know how that goes. This America First stuff has turned out to be total horseshit. Who could’ve guessed? More: Associated Press

Note 15: Our favorite headline we saw yesterday was “Trump Picks Florida Parking Lot for His Presidential Library.” Sounds about right. Except parking lots are actually useful. More: NBC News

Note 16: Let’s get Bill Cassidy a hotdog suit and help him find the guy who did this. IT WAS YOU, BILL! YOU DID THIS!

Note 17: We might have another boycott brewing. Apple is pulling a show about infiltrating online hate groups. They’re worried they might offend Charlie Kirk fans. Seems like those fans should be offended that a show about hate groups is actually about them. More: Variety

Note 18: Um, almost 2,000 people who were being held at “Alligator Alcatraz” have disappeared. Are we crazy or should this be bigger news? More: Miami Herald

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Los Angeles, where the resistance continues its fight. LA Taco reports that local businesses are putting up signs making clear that everyone is welcome except ICE. This is the America we love. Thank you to LA Taco for this report.

Note 20: And on that note of solidarity, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. And if you’re not, just remember that nobody is putting up statues of you and your pedophile best friend. Love y’all!

UN-believable
So yesterday was the most embarrassing day for America since the day before that. Trump took the podium at the UN and immediately started whining about the teleprompter not working. Then he told everyone their countries are going to hell, he said he should get the Nobel Peace prize, he joked about murdering Venezuelan fishermen, he talked about his ugly hats and he kept saying that stupid shit about windmills and climate change. All in all, it was another low point for American leadership on the world stage. But it’s also just so fucking humiliating to think that the rest of the world thinks this is who we are. It’s not. Is it? Our take is that Team Trump knows it was another disaster and that’s why they’ve been talking about escalators and teleprompters ever since. More: Associated Press

Arizona!!!
That House Republican majority got a little slimmer last night, and people who actually care about Epstein’s victims hit a magic number. Adelita Grijalva won a special election to fill her father’s congressional seat, bringing the total number of Democrats in the House to 214 (Republicans have 219). Not only is that a weak margin for Mike Little Johnson, but Grijalva’s win also gets us to the magic number 218, which means we have enough votes to force a discharge petition to release the Epstein files. Will we actually see them though? It’s hard to say. That 218 depends on people like Nancy Mace and Marjorie Taylor Greene, so it wouldn’t be surprising if they had a change of heart. And it looks increasingly likely that Republicans are about to shut the government down. Either way, congrats to Adelita! More: HuffPost

Talk your shit!

Well last night was a big one in the history of television. Fresh off a suspension, Jimmy Kimmel made a triumphant return to late night, and he didn’t disappoint. Kimmel hit all the right notes as he mocked Trump and Brendan Carr, got choked up talking about Ericka Kirk and made a passionate and funny defense of free speech in America. We have to say there were a few goosebumps moments for us, but our main takeaway is that Trump ain’t no king and we can still win this shit. We’ve lost a lot in the last several months, but as long as we can still mock our leaders and speak truth, then we haven’t lost everything. Thank you to Jimmy and his staff for a great show last night. More: HuffPost

Today’s clips
CNN anchor Abby Phillip confronted Trump allies Hogan Gidley and Brad Todd over a Charlie Kirk rant about the brain “processing power” of prominent Black women like Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, alleging a double standard. More: Mediaite

Hundreds of federal employees who lost their jobs in Elon Musk’s cost-cutting blitz are being asked to return to work. More: NBC News

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has shuttered a nearly century-old committee created to expand the role of women in the military, part of a broader effort to redefine the image of the armed forces. More: Politico

Podcaster Joe Rogan again pushed back at the president he helped to elect ― this time on the Jimmy Kimmel suspension. More: HuffPost

Comedian and podcaster Theo Von torched President Donald Trump’s administration for hijacking his words without permission for a Department of Homeland Security (DHS) deportation video, which used a clip of him recorded by a fan. More: Mediaite