Hank Tough!

Happy Friday. There are 578 days until the midterm elections. The president’s priorities, China hits back and Laura Loomer is in charge now.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because it used to have a retirement account and faith in the American people.

Note: Sexy Patriots! You did it, you gorgeous freedom fighters. You made it through another week in stupidassidiotland. Yeah, it was a close call though, right? Holy shit is this guy wrecking things at a fast pace. It’s hard to catch your breath. It can be even harder to find some humor in this goddamn nightmare. Thank goodness for Rudolph “Peestank” Giuliani…

LOL! Unreal. Yes, America’s Mayor was at it again, adding to his shockingly long list of brutal and public humiliations. Who the fuck would let this urine-soaked dunce anywhere near Wall Street? Were they trying to crash the market or just get it drunk and wait for it to get a bucket stuck on its head? If you’ve been reading us for a long time, then you know that making fun of Doodie Pooliani is one of our top five favorite things to do in this world. And that’s in part because he makes it so fucking easy by being one of the biggest and most decrepit fuck-ups in American political history. We will forever be grateful for the time his hair dye ran down his face and it looked like he was shitting out of his forehead. And we don’t even have to mention the Four Seasons or that Borat movie. Pure comedy gold.

So yeah, shit is bleak and America is being absolutely obliterated, but at least we still have Gargamel Giuliani to laugh at. What a fucking loser. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We got a new jobs report this morning. It showed the economy adding 228,000 jobs. So yeah, we no longer trust the jobs reports. Especially since Trump said this one shows his dumbass policies are working. He concluded the post with “Hank tough!” We don’t know this Hank fella, but we’re sure he’s a fucking moron. More: NBC

Note three: Don Jr.’s good buddy Russell Brand has been charged with rape. Let’s hope the law works better in England than it does here. Or let’s just wait until Trump makes Brand the new Defense Secretary. More: Deadline

Note four: Wanna hear something funny? You know how Mike Little Johnson shut down the House for a week because he couldn’t screw over new mothers? Well Trump came out last night and backed the policy, sticking a knife in Johnson’s back. Everyone in that Keebler tree was laughing their asses off at little Mikey. More: The Hill

Note five: The former VP gave a speech this week in which she said she’s not going to say “I told you so.” So we’ll do it for her. SHE TOLD US SO!!!

Note six: Barack Obama just asked the question we all want answered – what would people say if he was the one doing all this stupid destructive shit? More: romesentinel.com

Note seven: The markets opened while we were writing this morning. Is it good when the Dow drops 1,000 points on opening?

Note eight: So this is pretty messed up. Trump just transferred control and management of the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to some sketchy company that nobody has ever heard of. But don’t worry. We’re sure it’s legit. More: OilPrice.com

Note nine: It turns out that brain worm idiot is an idiot. Who could’ve guessed? He’s now saying that a lot of the people fired from HHS and the CDC and the FDA were fired by mistake and will be rehired. We sure feel better, don’t you? More: CBS News

Note 10: How bad is Trump tanking the economy? Fox has gone into full nothing-to-see-here mode…

Note 11: The Danish Prime Minister told Marco Rubio to fuck off over Greenland. More: ABC News

Note 12: The VA is going to end a mortgage rescue program for veterans that kept a lot of them from losing their homes. Thank goodness this nation doesn’t have a problem with homeless veterans. More: NPR

Note 13: Y’all know we hate to link to Politico and you also know we should all take polling data with a grain of salt BUT Chuck Schumer is down double digits to AOC in a poll and that made us smile. More: POLITICO

Note 14: South Korea removed their president just months after he attempted a coup. Why can’t we be like South Korea? More: The Guardian

Note 15: This one made us LOL…

Note 16: Rick Grennell is very unhappy that people think he’s the reason alleged rapist and sex trafficker Andrew Tate and his brother are in the U.S. But Rick is also one of the biggest scumbags on the planet so oh well. More: Notus

Note 17: Trump’s efforts to destroy the American university system continued yesterday as the administration let Brown know they’ll be cutting off $510 million in federal funding. More: WJAR

Note 18: The EU is looking at fining Elon Leon Melvin Musk as much as $1 billion because his bullshit keeps breaking their misinformation laws. We say hit him harder. More: MalayMail

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you this extended clip from the new Superman. Nobody is paying us for this, we just miss truth, justice and the American way. And we really hope we get to see this movie before Trump gets us killed.

Note 20: And on that much-needed doggo note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there. We know things are totally fucked up, but try to remember the positive. For example, we won in Wisconsin this week and you’re not Rudy Giuliani. Love y’all!

What an asshole

When the bodies of four dead American soldiers were leaving Lithuania this week, Lithuanians lined the streets to pay their respects. Our president couldn’t be bothered to give a shit. Yeah, Trump skipped the dignified transfer of the fallen soldiers so he could instead hang out at a Saudi golf tournament at his club. The suckers and losers shit was always true. He hates soldiers, hates veterans and seems to really hate America.

More: Raw Story

Here comes China

You know how Trump was trying to threaten countries to stop them from retaliating against his stupid tariffs? Well it didn’t work. China just announced a 34 percent tariff that will go into effect on April 10. This comes as JP Morgan has upped its chances of a U.S. recession this year to 60 percent. But don’t worry. The president is playing golf.

More: CNBC

President Nutjob

Total lunatic Laura Loomer is now apparently in charge of our national security. Yeah, the Florida freakshow 9/11 truther who seemed to be weirdly close to Trump during the campaign just got the head of the National Security Agency fired. We wish we were making this up. Apparently Loomer’s little visit to the White House this week was so she could tell Trump which of the people who keep us safe needed to go. It’s probably just a coincidence that this guy was the one who was fighting back against Russian trolls and bots. Right? More: The Verge

Today’s clips

Former federal prosecutors and outside organizations raised alarms this week over the nomination of Ed Martin, the interim U.S. attorney for the District of Columbia, to take over as the top federal prosecutor in Washington on a permanent basis. More: NBC

Former heart surgeon and TV pitchman Dr Mehmet Oz was confirmed on Thursday to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS). More: The Guardian

President Donald Trump on Thursday demanded that a reporter stop asking about the group messaging scandal involving members of his Cabinet and other high-level officials. More: HuffPost

Eugene Robinson, a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist at The Washington Post, announced that he’s leaving the newspaper on Thursday after billionaire owner Jeff Bezos’ overhaul to its editorial pages. More: HuffPost