Greenland says no thanks, Usha.

It’s Monday. There are 589 days until the midterm elections. America gets tough on gay make-up artists, we have to win Wisconsin next month and Greenland says no thanks, Usha.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it ain’t threatening Denmark like some kind of asshole.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We missed you! Thanks so much for letting us take a day off to recharge the ol’ batteries. We sure needed it. You know who else needs to go away and rest? Chuck Schumer. By now you know how disgusted we are with Chucky’s weakness and insulting excuse-making, but today we’re going to advance the process. We have found the person to replace him. Please meet Vivian Wilson, Elon Leon’s estranged daughter…

Yessssss. The force is strong with that one. Just imagine unleashing her Luke Skywalker energy on her Dork Vader dad. Leon responded with a bunch of attacks on trans people and journalism before declaring that his child was killed by “the woke hive mind virus.” So yeah, he’s not winning Father of the Year. And Vivian probably responded by yawning and maybe laughing at the fucking loser who obviously has no idea what it’s like to actually lose a child.

We doubt she has any interest in joining the Senate or moving from Japan to Washington, but we sure would love to have an actual fighter who isn’t afraid of a total nerd chode. So if you really want to fuck with some assholes, give us a call, Viv. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Teen Vogue

Note two: Speaking of the energy we’re looking for, yesterday AOC went on social media and called Leon Elon “butthurt” and we probably laughed for an hour. Keep going, AOC! More: HuffPost

Note three: We were away so we couldn’t call out the attorneys at Paul Weiss for being gutless, cowardly, ass-kissing slime. So let’s do it today. Fucking wusses. More: ABC7 Chicago

Note four: Trump spent last night being big mad about George Clooney. You really have to admire the way the guy doesn’t even pretend to do the actual job he was elected to. Wait. Admire might be the wrong word. More: The Guardian

Note five: Pam Bondi is corrupt, evil and pathetic. But never forget she is also really, really dumb.

Note six: But Bondi and Trump’s rhetoric is awakening the sick scum just like they wanted. Yesterday some shithead drove his car into a protest at a Tesla dealership. More: NBC News

Note seven: While we were away, Trump administration officials started talking pretty loudly about not sending out Social Security checks. The thing about these dumbasses not knowing any non-billionaire real people is that they have no idea what kind of bear they’re about to awaken. The Hill

Note eight: The drunk alleged rapist who is now leading our armed forces is also attacking federal judges. So that’s fun. More: The Guardian

Note nine: Bill Maher is going to the White House. Anyone give a fuck? Yeah, us neither. NO LINK ON PURPOSE

Note 10: If you’re not on Bluesky yet, you’re missing a party. And look who just joined to celebrate the anniversary of Obamacare.

Note 11: Oliver Darcy’s newsletter has become a must-read about the state of the media. Last night he reported that anchors like Jake Tapper and David Muir have stopped calling it the Gulf of Mexico. So Muir and Tapper can kiss our hot asses. More: Status News

Note 12: You might want to steer clear of Sam today. He’s in a good mood after Kentucky won in March Madness yesterday and it’s annoying as hell. How are your brackets doing?

Note 13: Tiger Woods and Don Jr.’s ex-wife are asking for privacy as they embark on their gross relationship. We’ll do them one better and never give a hairy rat’s ass about either of their nasty asses. NBC News

Note 14: Ok this is a brutal takedown. And that’s coming from us. But you have to read this Mother Jones story about all the plastic surgery at Mar-a-Lago. Ouch. More: Mother Jones

Note 15: We want to see more of this. Beltway reporters have been treating this shit like a game for too long. Stop playing along.

Note 16: The White House Easter Egg Roll is now for sale to the highest bidder. We wish we could afford it. We would totally call it the Donald Trump Sucks Putin’s Easter Eggs Roll presented by Fuck Trump. More: CNN Politics

Note 17: Congrats to the Pope on not dying. Yet. (That’s not a threat. Death comes for us all.) More: CBS News

Note 18: This weekend at the Kennedy Center, comedy fought back. While the Cats superfan who calls himself president is busy wrecking the place, it was first used to honor Conan O’Brien with the Mark Twain Award. And everyone made sure to take a big ol’ dump on Trump. This is the achille’s heel of fascist assholes. They hate being laughed at. Thank you to every one of these people for pointing and laughing at an emperor with no clothes. More: The Guardian

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we invite you to join in on the laughter as Trump again shows us how insecure he is by freaking out over a portrait hanging in the Iowa state capital building. Maybe it wasn’t orange enough.

Note 20: And on that hilarious but disturbing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend, and we’re damn grateful to you for letting us get a day off. It sure feels good to be back to cussing the assheads though. Love y’all!

America’s shame
The stories emerging from Trump’s illegal abductions against anyone with brown skin and tattoos are truly horrifying. In one case, we have deported and assaulted a gay Venezuelan make-up artist. USAToday is reporting that women we’ve taken are kept packed in cells “like animals” and told to urinate on the floor. What we are doing to these people is pure fucking evil, and it’s safe to say that we sure as shit aren’t the good guys anymore. More: HuffPost, MSN

We need this
Y’all, we cannot stress enough how badly we need to win the Wisconsin state Supreme Court election on April 1. Early voting is already underway. According to state party chair Ben Wikler, Elon Leon has already put more than $13 million in this race. Oh and he’s doing that thing where he bribes voters by giving them $100 to sign his petition. We don’t think the people of Wisconsin are for sale, but we also know Judge Susan Crawford needs our help to win this thing. Let’s give it all we’ve got! More: Associated Press

Go home, Usha
Because he doesn’t understand that no means no, Trump is sending Usha Vance and his national security adviser to Greenland to observe their big dogsled race. Except the Greenland government didn’t invite them and doesn’t want them there. We occasionally see people who believe that Usha must be forced into betraying other women and people of color by her asshole husband. It seems to us like she’s enjoying the ride. We think Greenland should tell her to act like a couch around her husband and get fucked. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips
Canada's newly appointed Prime Minister Mark Carney has called a snap election, sending the country to the polls on 28 April. More: BBC

Canadian comedian Mike Myers has joined Liberal Leader Mark Carney in a video taking aim at U.S. President Donald Trump’s repeated threat of making Canada the 51st state. More: The Globe and Mail

U.S. safety regulators on Thursday recalled virtually all Cybertrucks on the road, the eighth recall of the Tesla-made vehicles since deliveries to customers began just over a year ago. More: Associated Press

The United States and Russia began a new set of talks Monday aimed at a partial Ukraine ceasefire — while the two sides disagreed over how well the talks in Saudi Arabia were going and as Kremlin forces continued another night of drone strikes into Monday. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump will gather his Cabinet secretaries for a third known meeting Monday morning with Elon Musk expected to attend, according to a senior administration official. More: NBC News

Trump Golf Track presented by The Alt Media (visit)

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