Goodbye, Alaska
It’s Tuesday. There are 448 days until the midterm elections. Trump promises more fascism, the NYT blows it and stuff is getting more expensive.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it’s not attacking American cities to cover up for the Epstein stuff like some creepy dick.
Housekeep notice: This happened yesterday. We don’t condone this type of behavior but we sure think it’s fucking hilarious.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we hate to be the ones to break it to your hot asses, but shit is getting dumber. Like way, way dumber. Yesterday, in addition to invading a city he attacked and making clear he plans on surrendering to Putin on Friday, Trump also made this shit-for-brains the guy in charge of the monthly jobs report (and lots of other important stuff)...
Well we’ll be goddamned. That’s just about the dumbest pick imaginable. Like we don’t know shit about the economy, but we could do a better job than this idiot. In fact, everyone could. He is the least qualified thing in America to have this job. Why would we say thing? Because we walked outside of AltMedia HQ and found a dented parking cone covered in bird shit and even it would be better at this crucial job than this absolute loser. Wanna see?
Us: Hey there, dented parking cone covered in bird shit?
Dented Parking Cone Covered in Bird Shit:
Us: What did you think of the last jobs report?
Dented Parking Cone Covered in Bird Shit:
Us: What effect do you think Trump’s tariffs are having on hiring?
Dented Parking Cone Covered in Bird Shit:
Us: Well you’re an inanimate object who can’t answer our questions about the job, but you didn’t make up any lunatic bullshit to try and please a fascist moron. So yes, Dented Parking Cone Covered in Bird Shit, you are better for this job than dumbass here.
Sigh. If only we were that lucky. By the way, we’re pretty sure Pete Hegseth is actually a parking cone covered in bird shit. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Speaking of dumber, RFK Jr’s brain worm seems to be back. Or he’s just a total fucking idiot. More: Scripps News
Note three: Shit is getting weird on twitter. Elon Leon suspended his own AI bot. This is like when he gives his sex doll the cold shoulder. More: NBC News
Note four: The absolute scum of the earth want our corrupt and broken SCOTUS to overturn same-sex marriage and break up families. We hope Kim Davis’s fifth husband is Satan. More: Independent
Note five: Want to see what sociopathic ass-kissing freaks the beltway media have become? Just take a look at Politico’s Dasha Burns on Fox last night…
Note six: We’ve never been sure what to make of Ro Khanna. We were not fans of his embrace of Elon Leon or DOGE and we will likely always remember that. But what he and Thomas Massie are doing on the Epstein stuff — bringing the survivors front and center — is damn admirable. And we really like that they planned this for when Congress returns so that the story doesn’t go away. Well done, Ro. More: The Hill
Note seven: We’re not saying Trump is going to give Alaska to Putin when they meet on Friday, but Trump is definitely going to give Alaska to Putin when they meet on Friday. Farwell, Alaska! More: Yahoo News
Note eight: Congratulations to Chuck Todd on winning praise from the guy who attacked the Capitol. All that kissing ass worked, Chuckles! More: Mediaite
Note nine: We don’t usually call people pussies here. Mostly because we get a lot of emails. But we’re making an exception for pussy Joe Scarborough. More: Mediaite
Note 10: And we’re gonna add Tim Burchett to that list too. There is a masculinity crisis in America, but it’s mostly white dudes who kiss gameshow host ass and piss themselves when they see a Black person.
Note 11: Holy shit! A mainstream news organization called out Trump’s fascist takeover of American cities racist. We want to congratulate the AP, but we’re afraid we’ll jinx it. More: Associated Press
Note 12: We’re not gonna link to it, but Fox is reporting that more than 100,000 people have applied to be ICE officers. Man, that’s a lot of micro-penises.
Note 13: The MAGA freaks are fighting and it is getting intense. Let’s hope they all destroy each other or at least stop grossing us out.
Note 14: JB Pritzker took an Epstein shot at Trump. We are so here for this. Maybe the rest of the 2028 field should do this instead of trying to show us how centrist they can be. More: HuffPost
Note 15: Just a reminder that this country is detaining U.S. citizens and holding them in shitty conditions. Are we fucking great again or what? More: NBC News
Note 16: So how long do y’all think it will be before our drunken dumbshit SecDef accidentally starts a war with Mexico? Yeah, we’re thinking a couple of weeks. More: Mediaite
Note 17: We’re not sure if we ever talked about this story before, but we want to remind everyone that the only person bringing dangerous criminals to this country is Donald J. Trump. Wouldn’t it have been nice if the White House press had asked about this shit? More: The Guardian
Note 18: It was damn difficult for us to not make this the Happy Ending. BECAUSE JD VANCE KNOWS THAT WE KNOW HE FUCKS COUCHES AND HE’S TRYING TO LAUGH IT OFF! NICE TRY, COUCH-FUCKER!
Note 19: For the actual Happy Ending, TAYLOR SWIFT HAS A NEW ALBUM COMING OUT!!! We hope she does to Trump what Kendrick did to Drake. She can even use the same subject material. Because he tried to strike a chord, and it’s probably A-minor. More: Billboard
Note 20: And on that deliciously exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your weekend is off to a good start and things aren’t sucking too much. Unless you’re that shit-for-brains weirdo Trump got to lead BLS. That dude can eat a dick. Love y’all!
Fascism is here
People in Los Angeles have already been through this, and they warned us all it was coming. Our super racist president has decided to use the U.S. military against American cities. He is lying about crime in order to do it. He is also threatening to go beyond D.C., mentioning New York, Baltimore and Oakland. Gosh, what do those cities have in common? If you haven’t already seen the videos, federal troops are basically just walking around D.C. harassing people sitting on their front porches. It’s fucking embarrassing. Is this to distract from the Epstein shit? Of course. But it’s also a very real escalation of Trump’s fascist fantasies. Hang in there, D.C.
Great work, watchdogs!
So how did the New York Times handle Trump’s dictator bullshit yesterday? Sigh. We almost don’t want to tell you. Here are the headlines: “For Trump, Cities Like Washington Are Real Estate in Need of Fixing Up.” Hold on; it gets worse. The other one was “Does President Trump Want to Be Mayor, Too?” So yeah, fascism has come to America, and the New York Times has decided to be an impotent joke in response. It’s pretty goddamn depressing. More: NO LINKS ON PURPOSE
Trump’s economy
We got new inflation numbers this morning, and shit is expensive. Core inflation rose 0.3 percent last month and 3.1 percent from this time last year. We’ve seen a lot of news reports say the numbers are unchanged, and we’re calling bullshit. Yes, Trump’s tariffs are stupid, and he is personally making inflation worse and these prices don’t even really reflect the tariffs. But what’s the big deal? It’s not like we had a whole fucking election about this and Americans decided to throw away their democracy and re-elect the Jan. 6 turd just because shit was expensive. Right? More: Reuters
Today’s clips
Longtime NBA player Sebastian Telfair, who was scheduled to begin serving a prison sentence Tuesday, asked President Donald Trump for a pardon just hours before his incarceration. More: Yahoo Sports
Piers Morgan made actor Dean Cain sit through a segment of Last Week Tonight in which host John Oliver mocks him during an interview on Piers Morgan Uncensored. More: Mediaite
The Trump administration has agreed to once again delay the deadline when tariffs on Chinese imports would rise as discussions between the two sides continue. More: NBC News
A surprisingly robust primary field has emerged to challenge GOP Sen. Joni Ernst in bright-red Iowa, with state Rep. Josh Turek announcing a run on Tuesday to become the fifth major Democratic candidate in the race. More: HuffPost
Please use #NeedleDickTheBugFucker (70's insult LMFAO) instead of *Pussy. *Pussies are strong, beautiful & bring pleasure & sometimes life.
When i worked in DC, i didn’t have a car. I walked everywhere including enjoying many evening walks in the heart of the city. I had no idea i was taking my life into my hands and was such an incredible bad ass.
I was never threatened and never once felt unsafe.
Now the tiny and “safe” Long Island town of Bethpage was effing scary! Holy shit! There was a prostitute screaming bloody murder in the hotel room next to mine. Because i couldnt sleep i went out to get a snack from the gas station across the street and had a pickup truck swerve off the road to try to pick me up. Never ever have i been so scared in Harlem, Brooklyn, DC, Queens, Hollywood, Paris, Stockholm, Munich, anywhere.