Ghosting Little Johnson

It’s Thursday. There are 516 days until the midterm elections. Fuming over another blue betrayal, Trump sides with Putin’s murder spree (again) and the Big Beautiful Bullshitsplosion

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t take a job from Joe Biden just to stick a knife in his back.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to another day in a really, really stupid time. There’s some really bleak shit going down out there, and it can be tempting to crawl under the bed and stay there. And then one of these dumb motherfuckers says or does something so pathetic or stupid that we shart laughing and we remember that they’re not invincible. They’re actually pretty goddamn weak…

Well that’s just about the saddest thing we’ve ever seen. Or it would be if it wasn’t so fucking funny. What hasn’t been reported is that Mike Little Johnson didn’t just hang up when he tried to call Elon Leon. He left a voicemail. We have the (not real) transcript here…

Um, hi, um, Mr. Musk? This is Mike Johnson. I’m the Speaker of the House. Um, of Representatives. We met at Mar-a-Lago a few times. You rested your drink on my head a few times during the orgies. I promise I didn’t tell my accountability partner about all the weird stuff you did with the Vice President’s couch and that stuffed unicorn. Anyway, I’m just calling to beg you to stop telling people how much our bill sucks. I know you’re new to being a Republican, so maybe you don’t understand how this works but we’re only supposed to talk about cutting the deficit and then what we really do is blow it up with tax cuts for assholes, I mean geniuses, like you. I promise you this still fucks over lots and lots of Americans, and plenty of poor people will die because of it. I wish it could be more too. But we have to start somewhere! Anyway, if you could call me back, I’d appreciate it. It’s pretty fucking embarrassing being this pathetic in public, but I’m willing to go further. Just tell me how you want me to humiliate myself, and I’ll do it. It gets me off. Please call me.

Yikes. The Speaker of the House is kind of a loser. Just like all Americans if this goddamn bill passes. So work the phones to stop it. Someone will probably answer. Because they know you’re not a total ass-kissing bitch weasel. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump directed DOJ to go after Biden again. We’re not sure if he wants them to investigate actual Joe Biden or the clone. We wish there was a White House press corps to ask. More: BBC

Note three: It was a busy and really terrible Wednesday. Trump also brought back his travel ban and decided to kick all the international students out of Harvard. What a fucking asshole. More: CNN, The Guardian

Note four: Politico had a note yesterday about how Democrats Ro Khanna and Ritchie Torres think Democrats should try to win over Elon Leon. We think that’s the stupidest fucking idea we’ve ever heard and that a good way to win elections is to start by having some goddamn self-respect. More: Politico

Note five: Trump’s Secretary of Education doesn’t know what the Tulsa Race Massacre was. We’re guessing her ancestors did.

Note six: Some lil’ pecker asshead in West Virginia is warning he might lock up women who have miscarriages. So just like we all warned. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Trump is trying to finish off Columbia. They tried appeasement, and he is killing them for it. More: The Guardian

Note eight: Mike Lindell is having a hard time. We’re really enjoying it. More: The Guardian

Note nine: Trump has a 22-year-old whose previous work experience was at a model UN leading our anti-terrorism efforts. So expect a lot of terrorism. More: ProPublica

Note 10: Wanna see something really hot? Check out these bombed Russian bombers…

Note 11: Well the good people at the Institute of Peace have their building back. They’re just having to clean up all the weed and trash Elon Leon’s goons left behind. Try to imagine if Obama had… oh fuck it. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 12: The bodies of two Israeli-American hostages who were taken by Hamas on Oct. 7 have been recovered. Goddamnit. There is so much fucking evil out there it can be hard to wrap your brain around. More: NBC News

Note 13: The CDC official who oversaw COVID vaccinations just resigned. Congrats to the QAnon Shaman on getting the job. More: CBS News

Note 14: Right now there is a movement in the center of the Democratic Party to figure out which people Democrats should abandon in hopes of winning elections. We are grateful to people like Tim Walz who see that as pathetic and counter-productive. More: The Minnesota Star Tribune

Note 15: We are happy to report that Joan Jett still totally fucking rocks.

Note 16: Remember how the Trump assholes said they couldn’t bring back the people they deported? Well they just did. More: CBS News

Note 17: And Judge Boasberg says they’re gonna need to bring back a whole lot more. More: ABC News

Note 18: This is worth a share

Note 19: Adam wrote another piece on Jasmine Crockett if you find yourself with the time to read 3,421 words ☺️

Note 20: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Oz because the trailer for the next Wicked movie is out and we need to see that shit like right freaking now. It’s not politics, but it’s good news and we’ll sure take it.

Note 21: And on that gravity-defying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week. Or at least better than Mike Little Johnson. Love y’all!

What the effing fuck?
We’re Democrats, so we’re used to being screwed over and stabbed in the back by our own people. But this one has us screaming. Former White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre has a new book coming out, and she has announced that she has left the Democratic Party. It also looks like she’s about to fuck over the guy who hired her and made her White House press secretary. What a truly shitty thing to do. And if you’re wondering if the right will be cheering for her, well, Fox News’ Jesse Watters has already referred to her as “DEI Tapper.” So this is fucking gross in about a thousand ways. We can’t wait to not read this shit. More: Associated Press

Putin’s accomplice
Trump says he spoke to Putin yesterday and he no longer expects peace anytime soon. He also said that Putin told him he’s going to strike back after Ukraine bombed Russia. Trump said it like it made all the sense in the world. And then Putin killed a baby. We realize it’s pointless to ask the Washington press to start to give a fuck about innocent people and Trump’s sociopathic indifference to them or his rather obvious ass-kissery and subservience to Putin. But for the love of dog can we please act like the president of the United States backing Russia’s killing of children is a pretty shocking and horrible thing?! More: MSN

Big. Beautiful. Bullshit.
Well we got the final CBO score on Trump and the Republican Party’s awful evil bill, and it’s just as awful and evil as we thought. In addition to kicking 11 million Americans off their health coverage (it’s really more like 15 million), this monstrosity would add $2.4 trillion to the deficit over the next decade. And all of this just so the rich assholes can get a tax break. We can’t believe we’re saying this but be like Elon Leon and try to kill this thing. Lives depend on it. More: ABC News

Today’s clips
Trump administration officials delayed and redacted a government forecast because it predicts an increase in the nation’s trade deficit in farm goods later this year, according to two people familiar with the matter. More: Politico

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt recently responded to a question about the current administration’s plans to issue proclamations during Pride Month, which is observed in June, and her response was rather unsurprising. More: HuffPost

Pennsylvania congressman Scott Perry is the latest Republican member of Congress who is trashing a bill they previously voted for. More: HuffPost

Private sector job creation slowed to a near standstill in May, hitting its lowest level in more than two years as signs emerged of a weakening labor market, payrolls processing firm ADP reported Wednesday. More: CNBC

The latest from Adam