Gas, Grass or A$$

Happy Friday. There are 186 days until the midterm elections. How to fight back against the SCOTUS chaos, Democrats hold the line and Trump’s pain at the pump.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Just like anyone putting gas in their car today.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Congrats on making it to Friday and being so dang sexy. We are now 60 days into Trump’s stupid, suck-ass war in Iran and the whole world is feeling the fallout. Jim Crow is back, and the most racist president in modern history is having a blast. So why are we laughing so hard that we peed our underoos? This…

LOLOLOL!!! Rough night at work, Scott? Triggered much, asshole? It’s hard to describe how much we loathe Jennings, and watching him get a wedgie from a Gen Zer to the point that he looks like he’s gonna cry is basically our fucking catnip. Do you think he’s still crying this morning about how big mean ol’ Adam Mockler stuffed him in a locker? We bet he is.

It continues to be a fucking joke that CNN shoves this lying scumbag down America’s throats every night. If a butthole had a butthole, it would be Scott Jennings. But it might be worth it to watch his entitled bitch ass lose it. Just look at his face when he looks to Abby for a bailout. And look at Mockler’s face. LOLOL. Thanks to Mockler for the laughs. And thanks to Scott Jennings for absolutely nothing. Fuck him. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: A PERSONAL NOTE FROM SAM — Holy shit! Y’all sure know how to make an old man feel loved! Thank you all for all the kind birthday messages. It’s impossible to describe how life-affirming it is to see so many wonderful comments from so many wonderful people. And Happy Birthday to those of you who were also celebrating yesterday!

Note three: It’s a new month, and that means a new election guide from our friends at Bolts Mag. Take a look, get involved and make some Republicans cry. More: Bolts Mag

Note four: The Queen of England is just like any other woman. And by that we mean she shouldn’t be left alone with Jesse Watters. More: HuffPost

Note five: We were gonna make this the opening note because it scared the hell out of us and also WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? It’s like the ghost of one of Newt’s other wives is haunting him.

Note six: It is just beyond fucked up that Louisiana is literally suspending elections. You know Trump is watching this shit and loving it. More: Associated Press

Note seven: It sure is wild how the smartest thing a Democratic Senate candidate can do right now is to tell Chuck Schumer to eat shit. Schumer should probably reflect on that. Also, let’s win Iowa! More: HuffPost

Note eight: We’re not at 60 days of stupid. This is normally where Congress would assert its rights to declare war. But this Congress is too busy blowing an idiot gameshow host. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Thank goodness for public outrage. And as always, FUCK ICE. More: Associated Press

Note 10: We sure hope this fucking asshole likes the way he looks in this clip because he’s going to be seeing a lot of it.

Note 11: Trump asked the U.S. men’s soccer team if they can win the World Cup. He said yes. So they’re both delusional. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Even Chuck Grassley can’t understand why Trump’s nominees won’t or can’t say that Trump lost in 2020. At 117 years old, Chuck is very close to figuring this out. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Look how Trump squirms when he gets asked about gas prices. Even this stupid sonofabitch knows this is bad.

Note 14: Oh look. Another creepy Republican. We’re shocked. More: CNN

Note 15: Need some goodness? There’s a documentary about Martin Short coming out. We need this.

Note 16: Let’s check in on the national debt, shall we? Oh dear. Thanks, Trump! More: HuffPost

Note 17: Deion Sanders apparently raised a piece of shit. Fuck off, Shilo. Maybe if he was less of an asshole and had more talent then he’d actually be in the league. More: TMZ, More: Yahoo Sports

Note 18: The Onion’s acquisition of InfoWars is in limbo because of some Texas judges, but InfoWars did go off the air last night. So now Alex Jones has lost his show just like he lost his mind and custody of his kids. More: Variety

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we are fucking ecstatic. Pizza Hut is bringing back “BOOK IT,” a program that encourages reading among kids by rewarding them with pizza. This program was huge for Sam when he was a kid, and it led to his lifelong love of reading and a crippling addiction to pizza. More: People

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend. And if you see Scott Jennings, try not to get any tears or urine on your shoes. Love y’all!

Now what?
If you’re like us, you’ve been reeling since SCOTUS finished off the VRA earlier this week. Aside from just being furious and ashamed of this country, we’ve also been wondering what the hell happens next. This piece from Greg Sargent helps explain what the path forward can and should look like for Democrats. But it’s going to require some serious knife-fighting and some serious focus on legislative races. But we’re not fighting against regular Republicans. We’re fighting against Jim Crow, and that means we use whatever means we have to. Get tough, Democrats. More: New Republic

Well done!
Y’all know we don’t hold back when our own party deserves to be criticized. So that means we have to say nice things when they do good shit. And yesterday, they forced House Republicans to blink. After more than 10 weeks, DHS is being funded again after the House finally passed the bill that Senate Democrats forced a month ago that funds the department without any money going to CBP or ICE. They did it. They did what we demanded, they held the line and they won. Now sure Republicans are going to try and give ICE another $70 billion through reconciliation, and we look forward to making them eat that shit. But Democrats did what we asked them to on this after the murders of Renee Good and Alex Pretti. Well done. More: Politico

Trump at the Pump
Trump and the Republican Party might not want to talk about gas prices, but you can bet your sweet ass that’s what Americans are talking about. The stock market might be delusional and out-of-touch but the pain at the pump is real. The average price is now at $4.39 a gallon of regular. That’s up $1.32 since dumbfuck’s dumb war started. According to Kyle Griffin, the price went up 9 cents in just 24 hours, leading to a 47 percent increase since the start of the war. Americans aren’t going to be doing vacations this year, and they have Trump to thank for that. What a fucking asshole. More: Today, More: My News LA

Today’s clips
Former President Joe Biden on Friday backed former Atlanta mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms’ campaign for governor in Georgia, his first endorsement since leaving office last year. More: NBC News

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Cristian Torres is getting the chance to ride in his first Kentucky Derby after Kenny McPeek-trained Right to Party was scratched on Friday, with Doug O’Neill’s Robusta drawing into the field. More: NBC News

Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass., plans to campaign for Iowa Senate candidate Zach Wahls this month, adding firepower to a raging battle between progressive outsider candidates and the Democratic Party establishment. More: NBC News

PARIS (AP) — Activists worldwide gathered for May Day rallies and street protests Friday, calling for peace, higher wages and better working conditions as many workers grapple with rising energy costs and shrinking purchasing power tied to the Iran war. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump said Thursday he is removing certain tariffs on Scotch whisky after this week’s White House visit by King Charles III and Queen Camilla of the United Kingdom. More: Associated Press

Graham Platner went from unknown to viral, survived a nearly unprecedented onslaught of negative stories highlighting his offensive internet posts, raised $12 million and just outlasted the two-term governor of his home state to win the Democratic nomination for Senate, becoming the first progressive insurgent to win a battleground Senate nomination in more than a decade. Now comes the hard part. More: HuffPost

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — Palestine Football Association President Jibril Rajoub refused to shake hands with Basim Sheikh Suliman, the vice president of Israel’s soccer governing body, during a tense moment at the FIFA Congress on Thursday. More: HuffPost