Four Seasons Funeral Parlor

It’s Monday. There are 183 days until the midterm elections. Someone is afraid of Hakeem, a dozen things to be pissed off about and Mission Not Accomplished.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s going to hell for that subject line.

Note: Oh, Sexy Patriots, this was not easy. It should go without saying that we are not high road people. So when we heard that Rudy Giuliani was circling the drain, we wondered just how civil we should be. After all, that dude sucks.

Oh well. Every man dies. But not every man does a press conference where his hair dye starts running down his face so it looks like he’s having diarrhea out of his forehead. To us, that was the funniest fucking thing that has ever happened in politics. Yes, even more than the Four Season thing. And the Four Seasons thing was fucking hilarious. If you’re new to this newsletter, then you missed literal years of us making jokes about Doodie Pooliani shitting out of his face. We ran it into the ground. We won’t miss Rudy. But we’re sure gonna miss the face-pooping jokes. We also think it’s pretty funny that Trump is blaming the radical left as if Rudy hasn’t been decomposing in plain sight for years. It wasn’t us; it was Borat.

Anyway, we don’t root for people to die mostly because we don’t want that kind of karma. But we don’t have to root for people to live either. The truth is Rudy is/was a piece of shit who took part in a coup against the United States of America. We’re not gonna pretend that an asshole like that was some kind of saint just because he’s dying. So fuck him. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s Star Wars Day for us dorks. If you’re looking for a show or movie to watch, we recommend Andor as always. Thanks for being good rebels!

Note three: This one is a shocker. Texas Monthly did a deep dive into the Southern Baptist Convention’s leader and allegations of abuse. Ok so it’s shocking but not surprising. More: Texas Monthly

Note four: If you missed it last week, Bolts Mag has you covered on all the important elections this month. Remember to not vote for any assholes. More: Bolts Mag

Note five: We’re sorry to show you this. And no, we don’t know if he ate it or fucked it.

Note six: Spirit Airlines shut down this weekend citing the cost of jet fuel. So naturally Trump and his party are blaming Elizabeth Warren and not the stupid illegal war Trump started in the Middle East. More: Huff Post

Note seven: At least three people are dead on a cruise ship from suspected hantavirus. So now we know what we’re all gonna die from this Trump term. More: NBC News

Note eight: The right-wing Fifth Circuit put a hold on getting abortion medication through the mail. If only someone had mailed some to their mothers. More: NBC News

Note nine: Jim Crow is back thanks to Don Trump. And the mainstream media don’t really seem to care all that much. More: NBC News

Note 10: LOL. Kneel Gorsuch went on Fox News this morning. These fucking assholes aren’t even pretending anymore.

Note 11: Trump spent the weekend golfing and watching golf. Because it ain’t like we’re at war or anything. More: Huff Post

Note 12: Once again, our invitation to the Met Gala was lost in the mail. This is like 40 years in a row. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Ukraine has been fucking up Trump’s buddy Putin, and we’re guessing they’re both furious about it. LOL. More: Associated Press

Note 14: Trump is mad at Germany so he’s announced we’re withdrawing 5,000 troops from there. This is great news if you’re Russia. More: Associated Press

Note 15: This idiot is the acting Attorney General of the United States. We wonder if he had to show ID to get into the prison when he gave Ghislaine Maxwell her sweetheart deal. Eat shit, Todd.

Note 16: Trump’s poll numbers continue to be a flaming bag of dog shit. So why does the beltway still treat this asshole like he’s invincible? More: ABC News

Note 17: Republicans are trying to flip Fetterman. Go ahead. We’ll be replacing him soon anyway. Fucking asshole. More: Politico

Note 18: Trump keeps shitting all over his friend Bill Maher. It’s the only thing Trump does that we want him to keep doing. That and eating McDonald’s. More: Huff Post

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Sam’s home state of Kentucky. This weekend was the annual Run for the Roses at Churchill Downs, and Cherie DeVaux became the first woman trainer to win the big race when her horse, Golden Tempo, came out of nowhere to shock the field. Congrats, Cherie!!! More: NBC News

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. Or at least better than Giuliani’s. Love y’all!

Our Thug
Trump is starting to really sweat losing the House. How do we know? He’s stepping up his racist attacks on Hakeem Jeffries. Yeah, Trump twice posted the same photo of Hakeem holding a baseball bat this weekend, calling him “low IQ” and a “thug.” Gosh, we just can’t figure out what Trump’s message to his racist base is here. It sure is a mystery. Trump even wants Hakeem impeached, which is not actually a thing. We know there are a lot of mixed feelings about Hakeem in our party, but we do like it when people get under Trump’s gross skin. More: Huff Post

Dirty Dozen
So this one is really gonna piss you off. We know that because it pissed us off. NBC came up with a list of the 12 things Trump has tried to rename for himself since taking office. Sorry you can’t afford to fill up your gas tank, but this is what the president and his party are focused on. If Obama or Biden had done this shit, it would get wall-to-wall coverage. But this is Trump, and he’s the msm’s special boy. More: NBC News

Strait Fucked
Confusion is reigning this morning as the U.S. military claims it successfully got two ships through the Strait of Hormuz while Iran claimed to have struck a ship. The sad reality is we can’t believe either government because they’re both liars. Meanwhile the price of gas and oil continued to skyrocket. But don’t worry. The president got his 18 holes in this weekend. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips
At least 12 people were hospitalized after gunfire broke out during a party at a campground in Oklahoma on Sunday night, local officials said. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump told Congress on Friday that he doesn’t need its authorization for military operations in Iran because of the ceasefire, even though the conflict hit the 60-day mark this week. More: NBC News

The sheriff of Polk County, Florida, on Friday relentlessly mocked a popular pro-police MAGA influencer who was taken into custody last month and accused of soliciting prostitution online. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON (AP) — Secretary of State Marco Rubio will travel to Rome and Vatican City this week in a bid to ease rising tensions between President Donald Trump and Pope Leo XIV over U.S. policies, particularly the Iran war. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is waging a retribution campaign against some fellow Republicans in Tuesday’s primary in Indiana. Seven GOP state senators who blocked his push to redraw the state’s congressional districts now face primary challengers endorsed by him. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — After 16 months without representation in the state Senate, voters in a competitive central Michigan district will decide control of the chamber on Tuesday in a special election to fill the seat last held by Democrat Kristen McDonald Rivet, who’s now a congresswoman. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Candidates for Ohio’s top elected offices will stand before voters in a statewide primary on Tuesday, although many of them are already looking ahead to the November general election. More: Associated Press

Conservative podcaster Tucker Carlson was confronted over a comment questioning whether or not his former ally, President Donald Trump, could be the “Antichrist,” which he adamantly denied, despite the fact that he made the remark on his own podcast just last month. More: Huff Post