Foul
It’s Monday. There are 120 days until the midterm elections. Some Liberation Day trading, a shakeup in Michigan and Trump cheats in the World Cup.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Especially when a corrupt president ruins shit that we love.
Housekeeping note from Adam: I can’t even make it through my first cup of coffee without seeing another “reporter”—if you want to call him that—going after Sam because he’s mad Sam called out his false reporting. So…if you’re still on twitter, do me a favor and remind him that facts still matter.
Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be back with you after our nation’s birthday and our president’s efforts to fuck up our nation’s birthday. He really does suck, doesn’t he? He sucks so bad that it can be tempting to think nobody has ever sucked worse. But that would be very unfair to Sen. Mitch McConnell.
If you haven’t seen the latest news about Mitch, well, he hasn’t either. Dude is missing-in-action after being resuscitated by CPR. And a lot of people are wondering if he’s dead. And by wondering we mean they are hoping like hell…
Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up. You don’t often see a tortoise just wander off. They’re usually pretty easy to catch. So something is going on here. Luckily, Sam used to know the senator so we were able to set up an interview. Here now is an exclusive with Sen. Mitch McConnell…
Us: Hey, senator, how are ya? Are you alive?
Sen. Mitch McConnell:
Us: Hello? Ok well that’s rude. Can you at least tell us where you’ve been?
Mitch:
Us: Oh it’s like that? Ok well fuck you too!
Mitch:
Us: WAIT A MINUTE! YOU’RE NOT MITCH MCCONNELL! YOU’RE JUST A STACK OF WET DIAPERS WRAPPED IN A CONFEDERATE FLAG! WHERE’S MITCH?!
You can see how we’d be fooled. Unfortunately, the search goes on. Let’s put Kash Patel on it. Y’all have a blessed day. Except Mitch. Because fuck that guy.
Note two: We’re a little late on this one because of the holiday, but it’s a new month and that means more elections. As always, our friends at Bolts Mag have us covered. More: Bolts Mag
Note three: The Atlantic republished couchfuck’s essay about why Trump sucks. How embarrassing. More: The Guardian
Note four: Trump did more racism about the Obamas this weekend. If only White House reporters were allowed to ask about this bigoted obsession. Or if only they weren’t a bunch of chickenshits. More: HuffPost
Note five: Hey so we screwed up big time. In all of our celebrating about Trump’s name coming off the Kennedy Center, we failed to celebrate the woman who made it happen. Today we rectify that situation and say THANK YOU to Rep. Joyce Beatty…
Note six: Back on White House reporters for a minute — did you notice that not a single one of them asked about SCOTUS refusing to take up the E. Jean Carroll case? So the streak of not asking Trump about the woman he raped continues.
NO GODDAMN LINK
Note seven: Speaking of E. Jean, Trump lost yet again in court and he needs to pay her this week. Pony up, scumbag. More: USA Today
Note eight: Nazis marched on Washington this weekend for America’s 250th birthday. The Trump administration was totally cool with it. Let’s all pretend to be shocked. More: HuffPost
Note nine: The National Guard killed an armed civilian in Memphis. What Elon and the federal government are doing to that city is pure fucking evil. And the mainstream media don’t give a shit. More: WREG
Note 10: You won’t believe this, but Trump and his scum trashed D.C. Again.
Note 11: The White House is attacking the Smithsonian. We really fucking hate it here. More: NBC News
Note 12: Congrats to Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce on their wedding. We saw a lot of folks upset about this thing, but we love love and we’ve got enough dumb shit to worry about. More: NBC News
Note 13: The Sun Also Rises is turning 100. We know there is a lot of misogynistic bullshit in Hemmingway’s works. But damn if we don’t still love those books. More: AP
Note 14: ICE is still out there doing cruel and horrible shit. They’ve just learned to be quiet about it. More: AP
Note 15: This is for our fellow Spaceballs fans… More: Instagram
Note 16: While you were celebrating the Fourth, Trump spent an hour-and-a-half on the phone with Putin. Guess it was time for new marching orders. More: CNN
Note 17: We do have some good news for you. Trump is leaving America. He’s only going to the NATO summit, but it will still be a nice break. More: HuffPost
Note 18: The Trump administration has decided to go with the same pool folks that they hired last time. Doesn’t seem smart to us but what do we know? More: AP
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to New York City. On Friday, Mayor Mamdani gave a speech for America’s 250th that was worthy of the occasion. If you missed it, here’s a clip…
Note 20: And on that perfect note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an amazing holiday weekend. Or at least better than Mitch McConnell’s. Love y’all!
Making Corruption Great Again
We know that Trump made $2.2 billion last year while asking us all to sacrifice for his tariffs. But it actually somehow gets scummier than that. Now we know that Trump made more than 300 stock purchases on April 8, 2025, which was one day before his idiotic Liberation Day. So just as everyone suspected, Trump was doing insider trading while setting international trade policy. This kinda thing used to be considered a scandal.
More: NBC News
Messy Michigan
We sure are doing some contentious primaries these days. And Michigan is up next. Over the weekend, state Sen. Mallory McMorrow dropped out of the race for the Democratic nomination for U.S. Senate, setting up a battle between Abdul El-Sayed and Rep. Haley Stevens. It’s really obvious that Washington Democrats are worried about El-Sayed’s chances in a general election. As always, we stay out of primaries. We just hope everyone knows what they’re doing.
More: The Guardian
Foul
Well, we knew Trump would ruin the World Cup. We just didn’t know how. Until now. During last week’s game, our star scorer Fol Balogun was given a questionable red card. That meant that he would have to miss today’s game against Belgium. So Trump and his cronies got on the phone with FIFA and the suspension was suspended. If this seems shady, that’s because it is. This morning, Trump and Ted Cruz were even bragging about the interference. Belgium and the rest of the soccer world are furious. And if we win tonight, it will come with a great big asterisk. We didn’t like the original call, but sometimes that happens in sports. Only a loser has someone call the refs to get it changed.
Today’s clips
TEHRAN, Iran (AP) — Mourners dressed in black flooded into Iran’s capital Monday for a procession as part of the funeral of the late Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, with throngs of people calling for the death of U.S. President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost
Microsoft is cutting about 2.1% of its workforce, or roughly 4,800 jobs, the latest in a wave of tech layoffs as the Windows maker spends heavily on AI infrastructure and uses the technology to improve efficiency across its business. More: NBC News
Paul Pelosi, Rep. Nancy Pelosi’s husband, could face hit-and-run charges in Northern California wine country following an incident Friday, the Napa County Sheriff’s Office said. More: NBC News
KYIV, Ukraine (AP) — Russia unleashed waves of missiles and drones at Ukraine early Monday, killing at least 21 people in attacks that exposed widening gaps in the country’s air defenses more than four years into Moscow’s full-scale invasion, authorities said. More: AP
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump on Monday rang the opening bells for the New York Stock Exchange and the Nasdaq from the golden confines of the Oval Office, a symbolic act that reflects how he has increasingly tied his presidency to the stock market. More: AP
Beatles legend Paul McCartney performed “I Want To Hold Your Hand” at Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s wedding Friday at Madison Square Garden, 62 years after it was last performed. More: HuffPost
Nazis marching in DC- Charlottesville redux. Fucking racists had to hide their faces! Why? Oh right, because we may find out who they are, they may get fired from their low paying jobs, maybe get harassed by real patriots, and we WILL find out they were pardoned because of their ties to January 6th.
Schrodinger’s Senator: simultaneously in office and already beneath the floorboards until observation by C-SPAN collapses us back to a single reality.
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I write the Argument Field Manual: field notes on bad arguments.