‘Forget About Next’

Happy Friday. There are 242 days until the midterm elections. Secretary Markwaynebillybob, Trump says more Americans will die and his economy sucks butt.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It gets like that when its country murders children.

A Special Pre-Note: This month represents the seventh birthday for this cussing newsletter. We think. We honestly can’t remember when it was, but we’re pretty sure it was March 2019. We were gonna make a big fuss last Monday but then our shithead president started a war and we didn’t want to be the assholes who only cared about our birthday party. But we do want to take a second to say THANK YOU.

Y’all know we started this newsletter for just a few people mostly to help ourselves get through the first Trump administration. It has grown beyond our wildest imaginations. Unfortunately, so has the need for it. The worse shit gets, the more we need to cuss it and mock it. But at least we don’t have to do it alone. We’re so damn grateful to each and every one of your sexy asses for joining us.

If you can, please become a paid subscriber. It helps us stop from killing each other. Hey, seven years is a long time. It’s Sam’s longest relationship. Regardless, we’re glad you’re here, and we appreciate you fighting for decency, democracy and a little fucking truth. Let’s keep it going, Sexy Patriots.

***Housekeeping Note: How about a quick therapy session today at 1:30 PM ET/10:30 AM PT? Hope to see you all then!

Note: Ok now for the main event. Holy shit we have a lot to cover today. But with your permission, we’d like to start with Trump needing Zelensky’s help in the Middle East because that is just too fucking perfect…

Damn that’s hilarious. Karma certainly has a wicked sense of humor. Now we know that President Zelensky is always diplomatic when it comes to Trump’s jerk ass. So we wrote up a response for him for when Trump called…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Well, well, well. Now who wants my help? Where’s that couch-fucking bitch boy to tell me thank you and then kiss my ass? Are you wearing a suit? Huh? ARE YOU WEARING A FUCKING SUIT?! I tell you what. Because I’m cool, we’re gonna help your sorry orange ass out. But first you gotta pull your lips off Putin’s ass and let them pay a little visit to mine. And by the way, THIS is a perfect phone call, you fucking asshole.

Trump is lucky President Z is nicer than we are. Y’all have a blessed day. More: BBC

Note two: Hey you know how the president of the United States was accused of sexually assaulting a child? Well those allegations are now back on DOJ’s website. And that’s still not all the files on this. So when the fuck is he getting arrested? More: CNN

Note three: Speaking of gross and evil sex creeps related to Trump, another Jan. 6 scumbag just went down for molesting kids. Is Trump ever gonna get asked about putting these monsters back on the streets? More: The Guardian

Note four: Everyone excited for the next war in Cuba? Because our president is super duper bloodthirsty and no one in Washington seems to want to stop him. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’ll talk about the shitty economy in the news section, but we thought you’d enjoy this Newsmax fuck-up.

Note six: So the New York Times did an analysis, and it seems pretty likely that the United States murdered all those children. So not only are we not great again, we’re actually pretty goddamn evil. More: New York Times

Note seven: We used to be big Messi fans. We’re not anymore. Fuck him. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Wow. Even Pokemon hates this White House. More: NBC News

Note nine: Tony Gonzales won’t run for reelection but he will serve out the rest of his term. So that’s one Republican vote that drove a young staffer to set herself on fire. Sick sonsofbitches. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Goddamnit. We’re gonna need a shitload more primaries.

Note 11: Trump flat out told Reuters he doesn’t care if gas prices rise. This would be quite a scandal if any other president said it. But so would the whole child rape thing. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Target wants us all to come back to their stores. Maybe Target shouldn’t have shit on Black people. Enjoy bankruptcy, assholes. More: Associated Press

Note 13: The vote to approve Trump’s bullshit ballroom got pushed back because so many Americans are fucking furious about it. More: NBC News

Note 14: According to the paper that used to be the Washington Post, Russia is helping Iran target the U.S. This really puts Trump in an awkward position. Or it would if he knew what the hell was going on. More: Washington Post

Note 15: We know Hakeem takes a lot of shit, but this was a good one…

Note 16: Big props to the Democrats who aren’t done with Noem even though Trump is. We are particularly keen to hear more about Ron Wyden’s “Nuremberg 2.0.” More: KGW

Note 17: Just a reminder that ICE is still out there doing evil shit and needing to be abolished. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Speaking of reminders, don’t forget to Spring Forward this weekend. The darkness is starting to recede. Let’s hope it’s a big ol’ metaphor. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you back to Milan Cortina. The Paralympics get underway today, and we’ll be rooting for our men and women and we’ll be rooting for them to stay far the fuck away from Kash Patel. Good luck, everyone! We hope Trump doesn’t fuck this up for you! More: NBC News

Note 20: And on that sporty note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend, and that you’re able to laugh as hard as Zelensky must have when Trump came calling for help. Love y’all!

Two names; no brains
There are so many moments in Trumpland when we are assured things can’t get any dumber. And then they do. Yesterday Trump fired Kristi Noem, pushing her into a made-up job, and announced he’s nominating Markwane to be the next DHS secretary. Markwayne has been all over television lately, struggling to remember if America is in a war or not. It’s not funny that this idiot is gonna be running ICE and CBP and hurting people. But it is funny that Republicans are about to spend a lot of time answering for the dumb shit that comes out of this moron’s mouth. We’re especially excited for the confirmation hearings, which will be chaired by Rand Paul, who hates Markwayne. More: HuffPost, NPR

He said what?!
In addition to telling us gas prices will probably go up and he doesn’t care, Trump told Jon Karl that Americans should probably be worried about retaliatory attacks from Iran on the U.S. homeland. And he was pretty fucking casual about it too. “I guess,” he said when asked if Americans should be worried. “Like I said, some people will die.” What the effing fuck?! Trump has been calling reporters individually to brag about the military operations in Iran, and while Karl was happy to glaze Trump on this front, he told the president that everyone is worried about what comes next. “Forget about next,” Trump said. Wow. Again, this would be a pretty major scandal if Biden had said it. More: HuffPost

At least the economy sucks
So not only is Trump wrecking the post-WWII order, but he has also taken a giant steaming shit on the U.S. economy. The February jobs report came out this morning, and we don’t think Trump is rigging it. Because, man, it’s a fucking mess. We lost 92,000 jobs last month, and the unemployment rate rose to 4.4 percent. Just a reminder that in four years, Biden never had a single month of job loss. We have to ask, Trumpers, is your guy doing anything well other than owning the libs? Because to us he seems like a complete fucking failure. More: CNBC

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump was blasted by conservatives for posting a Truth Social message Thursday that approved of transgender surgery for minors with parental consent. More: HuffPost

Oil prices continued soaring Friday, putting them on track to record their biggest jump since early 2020 as the escalating Iran war threatens global energy supplies. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON — Some two dozen states challenged President Donald Trump’s new global tariffs on Thursday, filing a lawsuit over import taxes he imposed after a stinging loss at the Supreme Court. More: NBC News

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (AP) — U.S. President Donald Trump on Friday appeared to rule out talks with Iran absent its “unconditional surrender.” Israeli warplanes pounded Beirut and Tehran as Iran launched another wave of retaliatory strikes against Israel and Gulf countries on the seventh day of the war. More: Associated Press

CHICAGO (AP) — Three former U.S. presidents, Grammy-winning artists, clergy and elected officials are expected to attend a Chicago celebration of life on Friday for the late Rev. Jesse Jackson Sr. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was slated to be a special guest at a campaign fundraiser for Rep. Zach Nunn (R-Iowa) later this month, but the event has been postponed. More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam: