Fore Through War

It’s Monday. There are 239 days until the midterm elections. The credible and horrifying allegations against Trump, a long overdue honor for real heroes and the president golfs.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t wear a hat at funerals like an asshole.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, grab an umbrella because the shit rain is getting worse. The economy is garbage, the world is on fire and the president of the United States is a credibly accused child rapist who can’t stop pooping his pants. We were pretty hard-pressed to think of any good news at all this morning. And then we remembered it has been a while since we had the displeasure of hearing from Joffrey Dasofascrewer (JD) Vance…

Hmmmmm. It’s true. JD has disappeared like a Bob’s Discount Furniture just opened. It’s gotten so strange that we’re issuing an Ashley’s Alert. It’s like an Amber Alert, but instead of an alert for some poor kid that’s gone missing, this is for a creepy buttlicking adult who likes to put his tiny tallywhacker inside the furniture. We were gonna put him on the side of a milk carton, but we didn’t want people puking in their Froot Loops.

While we keep hearing from Trump scum and their friends at the MSM that this stupid goddamn war is going great, it’s pretty telling to us that the most pathetic ass-kisser in American history has decided to sit this one out. If couch boy doesn’t like this war, then who the fuck does? We’ll give you a hint — it’s nobody. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We want to give a shoutout to CBS’s Scott MacFarlane. Scott has been a superstar on the Jan. 6 beat, so we weren’t super surprised that he announced this morning he’s leaving CBS. And that should be the end of CBS as an actual news network. Good luck to Scott.

Note three: Did y’all see that orange motherfucker wearing a goddamn hat at the service for the soldiers he got killed? Well Fox News did. That’s why they covered it up. Guess they don’t support the troops. More: The Independent

Note four: Trump told us over the weekend that “ONLY FOOLS” don’t understand why higher gas prices are no big deal. He really is a man of the people, ain’t he? More: HuffPost

Note five: Credit where it’s due. This was an important point to press. It also might be the last real-ish interview CBS ever does.

Note six: There’s a new video that shows a U.S. tomahawk hitting that school. We did it. Our country murdered those girls. Donald Trump murdered those girls. If the MSM won’t come right out and say it, then we fucking will. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Right-wing nutjobs in New York City want violence. We’re worried they’re going to get it. More: Associated Press

Note eight: ICE killed another American citizen. You’re not hearing as much about it because his name was Ruben Ray Martinez and he had brown skin. More: Mother Jones

Note nine: Iran has a new Supreme Leader. He’s worse than the last guy. Good job, Trump. More: Associated Press

Note 10: Anyone else think this dude should go enjoy the “experience” of war?

Note 11: Meet the Press continues to fail, and it really is a goddamn shame. Maybe Welker should get her weak ass over to Iran so she can see for herself what all the lies and bullshit lead to. More: HuffPost

Note 12: A seventh U.S. soldier died in the Iran War this weekend. The president did not let that interfere with his golf game. More: CNN

Note 13: Lindsey Graham has seriously lost whatever little bit of shit he had left. The little creep is sure getting bloodthirsty. When does he deploy?

Note 14: RIP to Country Joe McDonald. It’s a shame. We need all the anti-war voices we can find right now. More: SF Chronicle

Note 15: Liddle Marco was hanging out with the head of the Proud Boys this weekend. So Liddle does like some terrorists. More: The Hill

Note 16: We almost lost Rihanna this weekend. We’re not sure America or our hearts could take that right now. More: KTLA

Note 17: Trump is losing it so bad that he’s even snapping at Fox’s top kiss-ass.

Note 18: How’s everyone doing with the time change? Yeah, we’re a fucking mess too. More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the Paralympics in Milan Cortina. Check this shit out…

Note 20: And on that badass note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. And if you see the vice president of the United States, don’t shake his hand. You don’t know where it’s been. Love y’all!

This is real
It’s a shame we don’t have any real reporters left in Washington or else one of them would probably ask Trump if he started the war in Iran to distract from his child rape scandal. Fortunately, there are real reporters left at the Post and Courier in South Carolina, and they were able to confirm some of the details from the person who accused Trump of assaulting her when she was 13. The story is paywalled, but we’re linking to it anyway because it is damn good journalism. Remember when the news networks said that Trump wasn’t accused of any wrongdoing? Well they can’t say that anymore. How much longer can the DOJ coverup go on?! More: Post and Courier

About fucking time
We can’t help but wonder if Scott MacFarlane is leaving CBS now because he just finished something he was working on. In the middle of the night, over the weekend and with no ceremony, the U.S. Senate finally followed the law and erected a plaque honoring the Capitol police who defended the Capitol and our democracy on Jan. 6. It should have been a massive scandal that Mike Little Johnson and his party refused to do this for so long. Thank you to Scott and a few other reporters who wouldn’t let them forget. Now maybe we can hang the damn thing somewhere people can actually see it. More: NBC Washington

Fore!
Donald Trump is going to let a crashing economy or dead soldiers stop him from golfing. So there he was yesterday, wearing his funeral hat and hitting the links. How the fuck is this real? How many questions is he going to get about being out of touch? How the fuck does anyone in this country still approve of this idiot? Americans are hurting and dying and the president of the United States doesn’t give a shit. Seems like a pretty huge scandal to us. More: Penn Live

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON, March 8 (Reuters) - U.S. President Donald Trump said on Sunday that when to end the war with Iran will be a “mutual” decision made with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. More: HuffPost

The price of oil surged Monday, as the effects of the Iran war hit markets worldwide and stoke fresh worries about inflation. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump said Sunday that he will not sign any bills until the SAVE America Act is passed, adding that a “watered down” version of the act would not do. More: NBC News

House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries on Sunday would not commit to blocking any additional funding for the war in Iran, saying the president has so far failed to justify the war but “we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” More: NBC News

DORAL, Fla. (AP) — President Donald Trump said Saturday that it was inconsequential if Russia has provided Iran with information to help Tehran target U.S. military personnel and assets in the Middle East as the week-old war rages. More: Associated Press

SELMA, Ala. (AP) — Sixty-one years after state troopers attacked Civil Rights marchers on the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, thousands gathered in the Alabama city this weekend amid new concerns about the future of the Voting Rights Act. More: Associated Press

What the Sexy Patriots are saying…