F**k Paramount

It’s Tuesday. There are 140 days until the midterm elections. Paramount shows us who they are, gunning for Gavin and even the MSM can see Trump’s white flag.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can say fuck Paramount and motherfuck the Ellisons.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Get excited because it’s Makeover Time! No, not for your hot ass. Or ours either for that matter. We’re looking finer than frog hair these days and we know it. We’re talking about JD “Cushion Pushin’ Vance. Couchfuck has a new book coming out and he wants to be president, so he’s doing everything he can to reinvent himself — again — to try and trick us all into forgetting what a weird, off-putting dickhead he is…

LOL. Nice try, sofa boy. But we know you meant it. We have not forgotten, and you will never be forgiven. Still, we are sympathetic to JD’s desire to completely change his image. We’d want the same if everyone hated us and thought we fucked the furniture. So we came up with a three-step plan for Vice President Vance that we think you can all get behind. First, he should go fuck himself. Second, he should eat deez nuts. And third, he should go fuck himself again.

We doubt this will make anyone like him more, but it can’t be any worse than his actual personality. And it would be nice to give the couch a break. Y’all have a blessed day. Except JD. Fuck him.

Note two: It’s Tuesday, which means people are voting. If they’re voting where you live, you should join them and vote against any assholes who may appear on the ballot. More: NBC News

Note three: RIP to the eight souls who were killed when a B-52 crashed after takeoff at Edwards Air Force Base. Is it just us, or has Hegseth lost a lot of soldiers this way? More: NBC News

Note four: Voters are replacing Eric Swalwell. We humbly suggest they replace him with someone who isn’t a fucking creep. More: AP

Note five: File this under LOL. Kash Patel claims he stopped an attack on Trump’s gross cage fight. Here’s Trump making clear that Kash is full of shit…

Note six: The Washington Post is reporting that the cost of Trump’s ballroom is now at $600 million. Remember when we were told it was $200 million and totally paid for? This is just the wall all over again. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Trump is gonna try desperately to fuck up the World Cup by grabbing the trophy, but we have to say that we’re enjoying the games too much right now to even care. Fuck him. More: Yahoo Sports

Note eight: And just a reminder that the U.S. won last week because of a badass player who is an American through birthright citizenship. Imagine if we had a press corps with the balls to point that out. More: Yahoo Sports

Note nine: We must say that we’re pretty embarrassed to watch G7 leaders buddy up to Trump. If they want to be respected, they should try standing up for themselves. More: AP

Note 10: Here’s Mr. Tough Guy announcing that he’s going to let Iran keep its nuclear materials that we started a stupid fucking war to get.

Note 11: This story will break your heart and piss you off. Texas Christians are some hateful motherfuckers. More: Texas Tribune

Note 12: Trump has not apologized for the attack on Michelle Obama Sunday night. And as far as we can tell, he hasn’t even been asked about it. The press sure do pick and choose when to act like civility police, don’t they? NO LINK

Note 13: We have no idea what the fuck is happening here, but it seems that being married to Newt turns you into a cartoon character. Either that or her hair is trying to escape…

Note 14: This one hurts. As y’all might know, Adam is a huge fan of Nate Bargatze. Or he was until Nate showed up at the White House Sunday night posing for pictures with all the MAGA turds. You fucked up, Nate. And we’re done. Asshole. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Trump is celebrating his Iran deal that we’re not allowed to see. This is why we don’t think this shit will last through the weekend. More: AP

Note 16: Can you imagine what the press would be saying if it was Biden or Obama who were turning the Fourth of July into a political rally because even the lamest bands didn’t want to perform with them? More: WUSA9

Note 17: This is one of our favorite all-time sports stories and we hate that we missed the anniversary yesterday. If you don’t know this one, we encourage you to go down the rabbit hole…

Note 18: Well this is amazing. Byron Donalds held a literacy event in front of a sign with a misspelled word. We sure hope he and his staff learn to read because reading is fundamental. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to the obituary pages. Yeah, it’s an unlikely place for a Happy Ending, but we are celebrating the life of Anne Schedeen, the mom on the show ALF. Anne went out guns blazing, with two double middle-fingers aimed at Trump and we respect the hell out of that. Rest in Power, Anne.

Note 20: And on that righteous note, let’s go do some news. We sure hope your week is off to a great start. Unless you’re JD Vance. Because seriously, fuck that asshole. Love y’all!

Eat Shit, Ellisons

Thanks to media reporter Oliver Darcy, we know that Paramount not only didn’t issue any kind of statement after a UFC fighter called Michelle Obama a man at Trump’s gross cage fight this weekend, but they happily posted that garbage bullshit unedited. Bud Light has also decided to be cowardly and make no mention of this nasty shit happening at the fight they sponsored. So if you have any doubts about either of those brands, you shouldn’t anymore. Fuck ‘em both.

More: Status, HuffPost

Gunning for Gavin

Gavin Newsom said yesterday that he and his wife are being investigated by Trump’s crooked Justice Department. The DOJ has refused to confirm or deny an investigation, and we saw some unconfirmed rumors that it actually started under the Biden team. Regardless, it’s obvious this is happening because Trump hates Newsom and wants to hurt his looming presidential campaign. How long until the rest of the 2028 field is being investigated?

More: Cal Matters

White Flag

Trump is doing a victory lap at the G7 about his Iran deal, but literally nobody is allowed to see it. But that hasn’t stopped the big newspapers from calling out Trump’s weak ass surrender in a war that he stupidly started. The New York Times editorial board declared in a headline “President Trump Lost This War.” The Rupert Murdoch-owned Wall Street Journal went with “Trump Stages an Iran Retreat.” Ouch. Still, Trump is so desperate to get out of the clusterfuck he created, he’s ignoring the bad press and forging ahead with his surrender. It’s ugly and embarrassing, but we want this war to end.

More: New York Times, Wall Street Journal

Today’s clips

JERUSALEM (AP) — Israelis from across the political spectrum reacted angrily Monday to the news of an initial deal between the U.S. and Iran, calling it a disaster for Israel and directing their fury at one man: Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — Ever since Kevin Warsh was nominated by President Trump in late January to lead the Federal Reserve, a question has lingered: Will he seek to raise interest rates to tame inflation or cut them as Trump has long demanded? More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court on Monday refused to revive a lawsuit from an aide to President Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign who was the target of secret surveillance during the FBI’s Russia investigation. More: AP

SEATTLE (AP) — A group of Democratic senators and one Republican, as well as two Democratic House committees, sent letters Monday to the National Science Foundation asking it to reverse course on its plan to dismantle a sprawling ocean monitoring network, with House lawmakers going further and accusing the agency of acting illegally. More: AP

At least 16 million people are under flood watches from southern Texas, along the Gulf Coast, and up through central Mississippi. The watches will likely be expanded to include Alabama later Tuesday. More: NBC News

Serena and Venus Williams are bringing their doubles partnership back at Wimbledon. More: NBC News

Baby Sam’s parents buried him seven months after welcoming their healthy and cheerful son into the world. An Israeli soldier, firing into the family’s car, had shot him dead. More: NBC News

Kerry Kennedy, a sister of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., on Monday recounted an absolutely bonkers tale that culminated with her brother releasing a “chomping” snake into a swimming pool filled with children. And she used it to illustrate why he really shouldn’t be in his role. More: HuffPost