Fixing the Sunday shows

It’s Monday. There are 456 days until the midterm elections. Texas Democrats run for democracy, some Crimson confusion and the Trump economy is here.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But only because it’s paying attention.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are ya? Well it’s great to be with you. We hope you had a fantastic weekend. Ours was good. We pitched in around the house. We like to be helpful. That’s why we’ve decided to help the brainless, limp-wanged zombies that are the Sunday news shows become relevant again. Yes, we are very kind. We can’t help it.

So from now on, it’s not gonna sound like this…

Sigh. Are you kidding us?! Can you imagine getting rolled by that fucking nerd? Yeah, we can’t either. So here’s how the Sunday shows should have sounded yesterday. They are welcome to use this tone and template for any Trump stories going forward. In fact, we encourage them to. Then maybe someone will watch that crap. Here we go…

Hello, and welcome to Meet the Nation. HOLY FUCKING SHIT DID Y’ALL SEE WHAT THAT DUMB SONOFABITCH DID THIS WEEK?! WE SERIOUSLY CAN’T BELIEVE IT. HE MADE A FUCKING DEAL WITH GHISLAINE FUCKING MAXWELL! SHE’S LITERALLY A CONVICTED CHILD RAPIST AND TRAFFICKER AND HE MOVED HER TO A GODDAMN COUNTRY CLUB PRISON! THIS IS FUCKING INSANE! THIS IS AFTER HE REFERRED TO ONE OF THE EPSTEIN VICTIMS AS PROPERTY THAT EPSTEIN “STOLE” FROM HIM! IT GETS WORSE, Y’ALL! THEN HE LAUNCHED THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS COUNCIL FOR KIDS WITH A FUCKING REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER JOINING HIM! ALL THIS SHIT IS JUST BEYOND FUCKING CRAZY, EVERYBODY! AMERICA, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE?! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER BEFORE WE’RE ALL FUCKING DEAD!

Nailed it. Tell us that wouldn’t be better than what they’re limping to the set with now. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Oh and btw nerd boy was back on television this morning admitting “the jobs numbers were slower than expected.” Oh so now they’re real? What an effing joke. More: HuffPost

Note three: Remember last week when we were trashing Charlamagne tha God? Well now Trump is doing it too. We’re such trendsetters. Or CTG just sucks that much. More: Associated Press

Note four: We stay in a state of disgust when it comes to Senate Dems, but we really want Jon Ossoff to win reelection. Over the weekend, he got a new opponent. More: HuffPost

Note five: Great news, everybody! America is gonna pay you to take your medicine. No wonder this dumbass thinks everything is rigged. He can’t count!

Note six: They’re going after Jack Smith now. Isn’t it cute how so many in Washington are still pretending this isn’t a dictatorship? More: Associated Press

Note seven: Just a reminder that last week we found out that Trump made some kind of sweetheart deal with Ghislaine Maxwell that allowed her to move to a minimum security prison. We’re only bringing it up because the MSM seems to have gotten bored with it. More: CNBC

Note eight: The Smithsonian is reversing course and lying about what really happened. It’s great that the museums are lying now too, ain’t it? More: NBC News

Note nine: Apparently Sydney Sweeney is a Republican. We still don’t give a shit. More: HuffPost

Note 10: And maybe President Creepy Cankles shouldn’t be weighing in on young girls anymore either. It’s really grossing us the eff out.

Note 11: Nancy Mace, one of the worst people in the world, has announced she is going to run for governor of South Carolina. So we’re about to find out how much South Carolina hates itself. More: NBC News

Note 12: RIP to the amazing Loni Anderson. We were huge WKRP and Stroker Ace fans. More: NBC News

Note 13: Ted Cruz is a fucking asshole. We know this isn’t exactly breaking news, but still. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Marjorie Taylor Greene is talking about leaving the Republican Party. How much of a disaster is your party when even the Jewish Space Lasers idiot has had enough? More: Mediaite

Note 15: Rep. Jasmine Crockett called Trump a “piece of shit” this weekend. This is part of why we’re such huge fans.​​

Note 16: Trump won yet another golf tournament this weekend. Yeah, then he wrestled a bear and threw a baseball to the moon. Who are the morons who believe this silly shit and why were their parents brother and sister? More: HuffPost

Note 17: Sam saw the new Naked Gun this weekend, and it is freaking hilarious. While it sucks to give money to Paramount, we needed the laughs. And speaking of laughs, check out this brilliant riff from Marc Maron’s latest special…

Note 18: Jeanine Pirro is now the U.S. Attorney for D.C. So yeah, we are not a serious country anymore. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish a very happy birthday to President Barack Obama, who has been living in the heads of racist assholes for almost two decades now. Happy birthday, Mr. President. Thanks for not throwing yourself a military parade.

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome weekend. If you were able to not work and rest, then you must be a Sunday news show host. Love y’all!

The new Texas two-step
Well, now it’s not just pregnant women who are fleeing Texas. Over the weekend, Democratic legislators made a run for it to try and prevent the state’s Republicans from pushing through a new bullshit gerrymander that would eliminate five Democratic seats. With help from Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker, the Democrats are doing everything they can to deny the GOP a quorum. So how has the dick-tator of Texas responded? He’s threatening to expel them from their seats and have them arrested. Yay America! More: NBC News

Crimson confusion
So we recently shared a report from the New York Times that said Harvard’s leadership was considering a $500 million bribe to Trump to try and make him go away. But apparently that’s bullshit and just another example of the NYT getting rolled by the Trump administration. The Harvard Crimson is reporting the university president told faculty the school is not planning to settle, has not proposed a $500 million settlement and will likely go to court. So where did the NYT get their information? From the same people who told us Trump won in 2020. Great work, news team! More: The Crimson

Trump-cession time
We very rarely, if ever, give Trump credit for anything. But you gotta hand it to him. Fucking up the Biden economy in just over six months is pretty goddamn impressive. Last week we learned that job growth is down and inflation is up. This week, more tariffs are kicking in. Polls show people are upset about high grocery prices. The president of the United States is firing anyone who tells the truth. And now Moody’s chief economist is warning that “the economy is on the precipice of recession.” Trump might actually get his interest rate cut now. But only because the Fed will be trying to save the economy from Trump. More: Associated Press, Yahoo, Associated Press II

Today’s clips
A medical aid leader was left stunned during an ABC interview on Sunday, in which her description of Gaza’s desperate humanitarian and starvation crisis was met with a question about the criminality of Hamas posting a video of a malnourished Israeli hostage. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump raged at Democrats for “slow walking” more than 150 of his nominees, branding the party’s lawmakers as “CRAZED LUNATICS.” More: Mediaite

President Donald Trump’s long-promised overhaul of the White House Rose Garden became reality in photos taken this week. More: HuffPost

Donald Trump says he considers Sean ‘“Diddy” Combs “sort of half-innocent” despite his criminal conviction in federal court in July – but the president called pardoning the music mogul “more difficult” because of past criticism. More: The Guardian

The latest from Sam