Final Blew

It’s Thursday. There are 222 days until the midterm elections. Putting our money in a traitor’s pocket, even Fox shows Americans hating Trump and his dumb war and desperate Donnie wants out.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it doesn’t buy Trump’s Iran bullshit like the beltway media does.

Note: We were so excited, Sexy Patriots. We had a whole opening note about Melania and that fucking robot. It was hilarious. We even interviewed the robot. It told us Melania was an idiot who kept asking ChatGPT what Michelle Obama would do. It was so funny. But then we saw this dumb shit…

Sigh. Sure. Why the fuck not? You’ve already given that gross evil sonofabitch your dignity, your spines and your jobs. So sure, give him a made-up award too. You know what? Fuck it. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Today we are announcing a new award — The AltMedia Fucking Asshole Who Smells Like Skunk Shit And Has A Tiny Weird Dick That He Uses For Sex Assault and Pissing Himself While Fucking Up America and the Whole World Award.

Y’all aren’t gonna believe who won.

Or maybe you will. Because the inaugural and only winner ever is President Donald Trump. We know where he can put it too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you missed yesterday’s therapy session, you can catch up here. You won’t want to miss the mystery of Sam’s missing underwear.

Note three: The buttlicks at Axios who have been posting daily bullshit from Trump about Iran are now telling us that Pete Hegseth is preparing to deliver the “final blow” to the country. Yeah right. Maybe Axios should send their kids to fight if they love this shit so much. More: Axios

Note four: One of Trump’s scummy henchmen is going after Letitia James again. This time they’re trying to drag her down to Aileen Cannon’s court. Gosh. Wonder why. More: MS NOW

Note five: We just can’t hate this motherfucker enough. Enjoy your Fox hits, Uncle Fester. Your career ends the second your primary starts. Asshole.

Note six: More bad news for Big Tech is more good news for America’s children. Fuck ‘em all. More: CNBC

Note seven: After dozens, if not hundreds, of college students were arrested, expelled, investigated and, in a couple of cases, stalked by the federal government, the Atlantic has the goddamn nerve to ask “Where are all the campus protests?” We hope the Atlantic eats shit today. Fucking assholes. ****NO GODDAMN LINK

Note eight: Trump is still attacking and insulting NATO. Maybe the White House press should ask him if he regrets shitting on their Afghanistan sacrifices. More: HuffPost

Note nine: The United States officially refused to join the rest of the world in calling slavery a “crime against humanity.” We really are the fucking worst. More: NBC News

Note 10: We want to hear from y’all on this one. When we first saw this we thought it was funny and well done. But we also saw some of our LGBTQ friends saying it’s homophobic. What do y’all think?

Note 11: By the way, that Melania thing with the robot was stupid and weird, so here’s how the Associated Press normalized it… More: Associated Press

Note 12: They really are giving the Mark Twain prize to Bill Maher. Who needs talent when you can just gargle orange nuts? More: Mediaite

Note 13: We’re so sick of choking on the hypocrisy of a lying piece of shit…

Note 14: Are we the only ones shocked that Schumer and Senate Dems have held the line on DHS? Are they just waiting until we march this weekend to cave or is this an actual goddamn opposition party? More: HuffPost

Note 15: It’s pretty wild how Trump is starting to hate the Supreme Court as much as we do. For different reasons obviously. More: HuffPost

Note 16: A new poll shows Graham Platner winning both the primary and the general election in a walk. We have our concerns, but we don’t live in Maine so who gives a shit what we think. More: The Hill

Note 17: So when does Foghorn Leghorn here take his Orwellian bullshit to the enlistment office?

Note 18: Trump has one of those cabinet meetings today where everyone takes turn kissing his ass. We were gonna tune in, but then we remembered we don’t hate ourselves that much. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Fox News. Yeah, surprised the shit out of us too. But we think y’all will love watching Jessica spank Jesse Watters’s bitch ass. Watch him seethe…

Note 20: And on that enormously satisfying note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and ready to march this weekend. If you march the best, we’ll make up a stupid prize for you. But you don’t need that because you’re not an idiot. Love y’all!

Cash for Q
Traitor and convicted criminal Mike Flynn is getting a big payday courtesy of the American taxpayer. Flynn, who pleaded guilty, is now apparently a victim. So he gets $1.5 million of our money. When you add the $500,000 he got from Turkey while he was working for our government, then he’s making out pretty well. Flynn, who went on to become QAnon royalty, is a fucking traitor and it makes us sick to our goddamn stomachs that our tax dollars are going in his fucking pocket. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had some sort of press corps who could ask Trump how much more of our money he’s gonna give to his crooked treasonous friends? More: NBC News

Fox too
Trump loves Fox News, but he hates their polling unit. That’s because the pollsters are the only ones in that snakepit who actually tell the truth. And right now they’re saying that Trump is more unpopular than at either point in either term. And this asshole played golf while 3,500 Americans were dying a day from covid. Fox now has Trump’s approval numbers at 41/59. One of the big surprises is that his support among Republicans is down to 84 percent. It’s probably because he lied about lowering prices and not starting any new wars. Donald Trump is hated, and the only people pretending otherwise are Washington Republicans and White House reporters. More: The Hill

He wants out
Trump is spending a lot of time on Truth Social threatening Iran and telling us that Iran is “begging” for a deal. But that doesn’t seem to be true at all. Everyone is trying to figure out if he’s just stalling until U.S. troops are in position to invade. Frankly, we think he doesn’t know what he’s gonna do and he’s just winging it right now. Poll after poll shows that Americans oppose this war and REALLY oppose putting boots on the ground. One Republican senator even said anonymously that the war is a “fucking clusterfuck.” So that’s great. More: Associated Press, More: Mediaite

Today’s clips
SACRAMENTO, Calif (AP) — California lawmakers will vote Thursday to rename César Chavez Day as Farmworkers Day in an effort to reconcile the Latino labor icon’s legacy with explosive sexual abuse allegations before the state holiday March 31. More: Associated Press

BOISE, Idaho — Idaho lawmakers are considering a bill that would make it a crime for transgender people to use the bathroom that matches their gender identity — even inside privately owned businesses. More: NBC News

Three Democratic senators have requested that two companies preserve records of their communications with Corey Lewandowski following an NBC News report that the companies were allegedly asked to pay him as part of the contracting process with the Department of Homeland Security. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The House Ethics Committee is holding a rare public hearing Thursday into alleged ethics violations committed by Democratic Rep. Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick of Florida, pushing into the open a yearslong investigation into how she funded her political rise. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — Most Americans believe recent U.S. military action against Iranhas gone too far, and many are worried about affording gasoline, according to a new AP-NORC poll. More: Associated Press

Israel on Thursday announced it killed Commodore Alireza Tangsiri, the head of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard’s navy, in an overnight airstrike along with other naval commanders, according to The Associated Press. More: Huff Post

LAUSANNE, Switzerland (AP) — Transgender women athletes are now excluded from the Olympics after the IOC agreed to a new eligibility policy on Thursday which aligns with U.S. President Donald Trump’s executive order on women’s sports ahead of the 2028 Los Angeles Games. More: Huff Post