Fight! Fight! Fight!

It’s Monday. There are 71 days until the midterms. Celebrating Ukraine’s independence, some hard questions for Hakeem and Trump starts another stupid war.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never been kicked out of a WNBA game like some asshole.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you! Welcome back to another week of horrors. This weekend, we saw the president of the United States do another bread and circus event while we questioned what the fuck one of the leaders of our party was doing with Jared Kushner. It was frankly enough to push us over the edge. Sam was especially about to lose his shit. And then we learned something wonderful that completely restored all of our faith and hope for America…

Spiderman is real. And he fucking hates nazis…

Oh hell yes. Get his ass, Spidey. We’re gonna need the Ramones doing the theme like right freaking now. The nazi getting punched is a Jan. 6 scumbag who goes around using the n-word and trying to start fights. It looks like he found one lol. Now y’all know that we are opposed to violence. But much like Joliet Jake from the Blues Brothers, we hate nazis and we have generally been supportive of punching nazis. It’s quite a conundrum.

So let’s just say we’re grateful that Spiderman and his fellow super heroes are out there keeping an eye on things. And if you want to help him pay his legal bills, well that would be ok too. Hopefully nazis will learn not to fuck with your friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Or Minneapolis. Y’all have a blessed day. More: GoFundMe

Note two: We finally did a therapy session last week! If you missed it, you can get caught up at this link. This week, we’re aiming for Wednesday, so plan your meltdowns accordingly.

Note three: Well this is fucking shameful. The father of a USS Lincoln sailor was waiting for his son to come home, and ICE took him. Why the effing fuck would anyone enlist at this point? More: The Guardian

Note four: HUGE congratulations to Karen Attiah. Karen was fired by the Washington Post for telling the truth about Charlie Kirk after he was killed. And now an arbitrator has sided with her. We are always so grateful to Karen for her fierce allegiance to truth and her fearlessness. More: The Hill

Note five: Trouble in gross paradise? Do we think they were fighting about Natalie? Because when Trump left this stupid race, it wasn’t with Melania.

Note six: The National Guard has been patrolling the streets of DC for a year now. It’s fucked up how easily Americans accepted this. It’s even more fucked up the guardsmen and women have to do this shit. More: NPR

Note seven: California AG Rob Bonta is fighting like hell to stop Trump’s buddies from owning Paramount. And he’s largely doing it alone. Both Karen Bass and Xavier Becerra have called for a settlement. Thank you, Rob, for fighting such an important fight. More: CNBC

Note eight: While we’re talking about this merger, we want to take a second to express solidarity with actor Mark Ruffalo. Mark spent the weekend being called an antisemite for simply speaking out against the merger. Antisemitism is a real problem. And it’s made worse by throwing that term at everyone who disagrees with you. More: NBC News

Note nine: Many Hoosiers still don’t have power after storms hit their region. The president of the United States has no idea this is happening and wouldn’t care if he did. More: NPR

Note 10: Professional dirtbag and ex-basketball player Enes Kanter was kicked out of a WNBA game last night. WNBA badass Natasha Cloud walked up on him and repeatedly called him a “pussy” and told him to get out of her league. Kanter, who is trying for relevance as an anti-trans shithead, has been claiming to be a victim in the hours since. Fuck him up, Natasha.

Note 11: We can’t find a story about it to link to, but Mark Cuban said the other day he would run for president as a Republican because it would be fun and disruptive and he can’t run as a Democrat because of DSA. Dude has really been telling on himself a lot since 2024.

NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 12: We don’t fat shame people. But Trump does so we’ll make an exception. The Washington Post reported that our obese orange president has put on 20 pounds since the campaign. We have too, and we blame him. More: The Independent

Note 13: If we were as good at coming up with catchy nicknames as Trump, we’d probably call Lindsey Graham’s sister Dumbfuck Darlene.

Note 14: Kacey Musgraves is a badass. And MAGA really, really hates her for it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: There are people who say that criticizing AIPAC makes you an antisemite. So what does that make Mike Rogers? More: Axios

Note 16: The Pentagon is censoring information about the war they’re losing against Iran. Their latest step to hide the truth was firing the editor of Stars and Stripes. This should be a much, much bigger deal. More: AP

Note 17: Chris Van Hollen opened the door to a 2028 run this weekend. We really admire Chris, especially when he’s giving answers like this. He proved early on in Trump’s second term that he is a real fighter. If he stays in the Senate and we win it, we hope he’ll give some thought to running for Majority Leader.

Note 18: Asshead Ed Martin, one of the president’s hatchetmen, is leaving the White House so he can get started on fuckface’s next coup attempt. We hope he remembers to eat shit. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we wanted to share this cool story about how the new season of Ted Lasso has been driving interest and traffic to the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum in Kansas City. Well done, Coach. More: KMBC

Note 20: BONUS HAPPY ENDING! Here’s that Ramones song. Enjoy! More: YouTube

Slava Ukraine!

Today we are celebrating 35 years of Ukrainian independence. God knows it hasn’t been easy for them to keep it. European leaders have joined President Zelensky to celebrate the occasion. It never stops being remarkable to us that these brave people have just flat out fucking refused to go gentle into that bloodthirsty Russian night. For four years, Ukraine has taken Russia’s best shots, and still they stand. It’s a goddamn tragedy that the American president hasn’t done more to stand by them. Happy birthday, Ukraine. And thank you for inspiring us with that Can-Do Fuck-You spirit!

More: AP

Hard Questions for Hakeem

Well let’s start with the obvious one — what the fuck? This weekend we found out that Hakeem Jeffries met secretly last week with Jared fucking Kushner. Instead of finding out about this from the man who wants to be the next Speaker of the House, we found out about it from the New York Times. We have taken tons of shit for backing Jeffries, and we still would like to see him be the first Black Speaker of the House. But this is fucked up and we need some real answers. Like why the hell does Kushner get more respect from our leader than Zohran Mamdani did? Does Hakeem just not care how this looks to people he keeps asking for money and votes from? We want to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but we also don’t want to look like idiots. We’ve seen a lot of folks saying this is a win because it shows that Trump knows he’s going to lose the House and he’s trying to make friends. Yeah, right. It sure as shit doesn’t look like a win to us. If Hakeem wants to be as popular as Chuck Schumer is, then this is a good way to do it.

More: The Guardian

War… Again

Well, the president sure as hell didn’t get any smarter over the weekend. In fact, he seems to have gone the other way. On Friday, Canada walked away from negotiations over a new trade deal and declared they will issue retaliatory tariffs against the United States. Trump’s people made unreasonable demands to the point that Canada had no choice but to walk. And this morning, Trump is promising even more devastating tariffs against the people who helped us after 9/11. We’re sure Susan Collins and Mike Rogers are sure happy to see this. We’re so sorry to our Canadian friends. But we’re also sorry to ourselves because we have to live with this fucking idiot.

More: CNBC

Today’s clips

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy on Sunday used booze to go to bat for the Freedom 250 Grand Prix, a Trump-approved IndyCar street race in Washington, D.C., that’s caused travel headaches and concerns around the nation’s capital. More: HuffPost

Dr. Mehmet Oz, administrator of the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services, on Sunday hesitantly corrected Donald Trump, who falsely claimed the measles, mumps and rubella vaccine was “lethal.” More: HuffPost

The Donald Trump aide Natalie Harp flooded a since-disabled social media account with pro-Trump posts on the day that the president’s supporters attacked the US Capitol in early 2021, years before she went to work for him and developed an extraordinary close relationship with him, a new report has revealed. More: The Guardian

Shelley Fabares, an actor who was a fixture on television for decades from her days as a young teenager on “The Donna Reed Show,” through “One Day at a Time” and “Coach,” has died. She was 82. More: NBC News

An out-of-control wildfire that jumped over fire trucks and made it difficult for crews to reach hot spots destroyed homes in northwest Reno, Nevada, on Sunday. Shifting winds challenged firefighters trying to bring it under control, and authorities urged some 90,000 people to evacuate. More: NBC News

HONOLULU — Tropical Storm Moke was swirling past Hawaii on Sunday, close enough to dump heavy rain on Big Island communities in the aftermath of Hurricane Lala. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — The bond market is one of the few forces in the world strong enough to get politicians to snap to attention. It also helps dictate how much ordinary people have to pay on their mortgages and car loans, as well as how much they earn from their savings accounts and 401(k) plans. More: AP