Felon

Happy Friday. There are 662 days until the midterm elections. The planet is burning, Senate Democrats go wobbly and whiny Trump is sentenced.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it at least its hot ass was never convicted on 34 felony counts.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! And welcome to a very special TBS. We know things have been dark and negative lately, and we’re all looking for hope and encouragement wherever we can find it. Well here at TBS we just want to remind you of one very important fact to always keep in your cap for when you need it — every miserable asshole will eventually die…

Welp. Bye. And thank you for the reminder that even the most repugnant pig-fucking bigot will eventually kick the can and end up covered in dirt. Or as we call it — the Kissinger Principle. Now we are not violent people, and we are in no way suggesting that anyone should hasten this process for the world’s assholes. But we can take comfort in knowing their day will come just as it comes for the rest of us. And for some people, we can hope that day involves a slow trip through a woodchipper while being diarrhea shat on by laughing hyenas.

We can also rejoice in the knowledge that someone like Bryant will have a final resting place, and that final resting place will be the perfect place to relieve your body of its toxins. Hell, the Trump grave will someday make Graceland look like a common porta-potty. So thanks for the boost, Anita. Enjoy hell. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Also, the Pizzagate shooter asshole died too. But we all know that idiot was never going to get a happy ending. More: AP News

Note three: Trump is about to do what he does best — inherit the fruits of someone else’s hard work. Today we got the final jobs report of the Biden administration, and it’s a banger. The U.S. economy added 256,000 jobs last month, bringing the unemployment rate down to 4.1 percent. Get ready for fuckhead to take credit for all of this. More: CNBC

Note four: Hey, we just want to take a second to thank all the brave firefighters, many of whom are incarcerated, for saving Los Angeles. Sam has been living through this nightmare all week and can’t say enough good things about the folks who are putting everything on the line to save a great American city. Thank you!!!

Note five: And thank you to President Biden who announced yesterday that the federal government is going to cover 100 percent of the costs for the initial recovery. The fires are estimated to be the most expensive natural disaster to ever hit this country, with an early price tag of $50 billion in damage. More: The Hill

Note six: We don’t mean to keep pissing on this bigot’s grave, but some things are just funny…

Note seven: Elon Leon Musk is going all-in on his nazi shit, hosting a twitter spaces with the leader of Germany’s far-right party where he and the leaders decided that Hitler was actually a communist. We can’t tell if they’re gaslighting us or just dumber than dog shit. More: BBC

Note eight: The corrupt and broken Supreme Court is back in action today after almost letting Trump completely off the hook yesterday. Today they’re hearing the appeal from TikTok to keep from being banned. More: USA Today

Note nine: Also, we’ll get to this in the news section but seriously four justices were willing to officially make Trump above the law yesterday. It really makes you shudder to think that America is counting on the restraint of John Roberts and Amy Coney Barrett. More: CNN

Note 10: Zuckerberg landed back in Palm Beach this morning for some more butt smooching. And before he did, he made his company really and truly cruel and bigoted. More: The Intercept

Note 11: There is some truly evil shit coming…

Note 12: There sure were some weird scenes from President Carter’s funeral yesterday. The eulogies were beautiful, Obama laughed with Trump for some goddamn reason and Karen Pence is apparently the only real gangster in the crowd. More: Buzzfeed, NBC

Note 13: Orange Dingus is now openly threatening our ally Denmark to give up Greenland. Notice how he didn’t talk about any of this crazy shit during the campaign? More: BBC

Note 14: Fresh off a starring role in Trump’s campaign ads, Charlamagne tha God is now back to kissing orange ass. It’s amazing how wrong this horse’s ass is. More: The Hill

Note 15: This is a little too on the nose…

Note 16: We were gonna make this the Happy Ending, but you have to check out Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood singing “Imagine” at President Carter’s funeral. More: Rolling Stone

Note 17: Trump told Ashli Babbitt’s mom to tell the Jan. 6 scum “I love them, to keep their chins up.” Babbitt could not be reached for comment. More: NBC

Note 18: Thank you once again to Jessica Tarlov, who stood up for Los Angeles first responders who were battling fires and bigotry from Fox News scum. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re getting personal. It was 15 years ago today that Sam took his last drink. We realize that comes as a surprise to those who thought this newsletter was written by a drunken lunatic. But seriously, if you want to make a change, our Uncle Sam is living proof anyone can do it. Especially when he has so many Sexy Patriot friends like y’all. Also, Mel Gibson’s house burned down so that seems like a Happy Ending too.

Note 20: And on that self-indulgent note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely day. And if not, surely that Anita Bryant news helped. Love y’all!

Yikes

So we just finished living through the hottest year ever on Earth. Yeah, America ain’t the only part of this rock that’s totally fucked. The average global temperature crossed the terrifying threshold of 1.5 degrees Celsius above pre-industrial standards. That means the bad fires and tornadoes and hurricanes and flooding that we’ve seen are all going to get worse until this planet kills us like the virus we’ve become. And really, can you blame her?

More: AP News

Um what the fuck

Senate Democrats sure aren’t acting like an opposition party. After House Democrats helped the Trump Party pass a bullshit immigration bill that would basically criminalize accusations against immigrants, all but nine Senate Democrats went along with it. Why the fuck are we giving more power to a fascist president? Where the hell is the opposition? Well it ain’t in John Fetterman’s heart, that’s for sure. Fettermanchin announced yesterday that he’s going down to Mar-a-Lago to kiss some orange ass. So yeah, we’ve been sold out once again. Anyone else getting sick of it?

More: AP News, CBS

Felon

Welp, it’s over and he pretty much got away with everything. But thanks to Judge Juan Merchan and DA Alvin Bragg, Donald Trump will be the first American president who is also a convicted felon. Trump appeared by video for his sentencing this morning after the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly allowed it to go forward. Trump did his usually bitching and moaning about witch hunts and how Fox News says he’s totally innocent and then Merchan said he’s not allowed to issue a real sentence so case closed. But Trump is still a felon, and right now that’s all we got.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

A New York appeals court ruled Thursday that Fox Corporation must face Smartmatic’s mammoth defamation lawsuit over the airing of 2020 election lies on Fox News, dealing a blow to the Rupert Murdoch-controlled media giant. More: CNN

Michelle Obama did not attend former President Jimmy Carter’s funeral on Thursday due to a scheduling conflict, aides to the former first lady told CNN. More: HuffPost

A federal appeals court has cleared the way for the public release of special counsel Jack Smith’s report on the 2020 election interference case against Donald Trump over the objections of the president-elect. More: HuffPost

A federal judge will hear arguments Friday in Rudy Giuliani's second contempt of court hearing this week in the defamation case against him involving former Georgia election workers Ruby Freeman and Wandrea “Shaye” Moss. More: NBC