Extraordinarily Brilliant

It’s Thursday. There are 194 days until the midterm elections. Krazy Kash goes after the NYT, Republicans try some BS in Virginia and a wartime shakeup in the Navy.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can always say FUCK ICE.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the shitshow must go on. The president of the United States has us stuck in a stupid war that he started to change the subject from his child rape scandal. Everything is expensive as hell, but Trump and his family are stuffing their fucking pockets. And we still don’t have any answers or accountability for all those school girls Trump murdered. So naturally, the online debate has been about Tucker Carlson.

To forgive or not to forgive? Hmmmm. We’re just not there yet. We’re still very much at the place where we wouldn’t piss on this asshole if he was on fire. And frankly we’ve dreamt of that very scenario many, many times. But we don’t want to be total dicks, or Tuckers, about this so we came up with a short list of tasks Tucker must complete before we will even consider forgiving him…

1. He has to eat a bowl of Trump’s shit on his show. He’s been doing it metaphorically for years so this shouldn’t be a big deal.

2. He has to hit himself in the face with a shovel as hard as we can. This isn’t for revenge. We just think it might knock that stupid look off his stupid face.

3. He has to leap head-first into a live volcano. If he survives, we will consider his apology.

4. He has to come up with a magical device that will make us forget what a racist sell-out treasonous bitch he is and always has been.

After Tucker completes this list, we will pretend to consider his apology. Then we will promptly tell him to fuck off, eat shit and kiss our asses. Because you’d have to be the dumbest sonofabitch on the planet to think this piece of shit is truly sorry. So fuck him and his family. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Did you miss yesterday’s therapy session? It was a good one. We mostly talked about music. Sometimes it’s good to take a break from politics. You can view the comments from the live here!

Note three: Trump has reclassified weed as not as dangerous as heroin. He is so desperate. Watch this mofo ruin reefer for us. More: The Guardian

Note four: While you were sleeping, Senate Republicans started the process of ramming through billions more dollars for ICE. These fuckers never learn. More: HuffPost

Note five: We must all avenge Hunter Biden.

Note six: You know that war that wasn’t a war that was about over and just beginning? Well yeah, it’s still a fucking mess. And the dumbass who started it referred to himself as “extraordinarily brilliant” yesterday. Sigh. More: NBC News

Note seven: Trump wants to use our money to bail out Spirit Airlines. Even his kiss-asses think that’s a terrible idea. More: HuffPost

Note eight: There was a big debate in California last night. Y’all know we stay out of primaries, but we are endorsing the idea that one or more of the Democrats need to drop out and Steve Hilton is a pud. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Trump is trying to rig the World Cup. He wants to swap in Italy, who is suffering from the humiliation of missing the tournament for the the third time in a row, for Iran, who actually made the tournament. Even Italy thinks this is gross and stupid. More: NBC News

Note 10: Folks have been asking us if it’s ok to laugh at the Iran videos that destroy Trump. The answer is yes. It’s not ok to root for Iran, but it is ok to root for the further global humiliation of the dumb motherfucker who started this war…

Note 11: A judge dismissed Laura Loomer’s suit against Bill Maher. Bummer. We were hoping there was some way they could both lose. More: NBC News

Note 12: We are heartbroken to see this story about wildfires hitting Florida and Georgia. But we can’t help but wonder if they swept their forests. More: Associated Press

Note 13: We’ve been talking all week about the rise of Not Fucking Around Democrats. This is the perfect example. More of this please!

Note 14: The Justice Department is giving more of your money to Trump scum who sold us out to Russia. It’s insane this isn’t a bigger story. More: Associated Press

Note 15: The brainworm raccoon dick guy is covering up a study about how vaccines keep people from being hospitalized for covid. It doesn’t fit his weird fucked up crazypants narrative. More: Associated Press

Note 16: Btw, if you really want your brain to hurt, watch that freak talk about Trump’s special math. We know you know this, but goddamn these guys are idiots. More: HuffPost

Note 17: If you’re looking for the correct talking point with which to push back on Republican whining over Virginia, AOC has you covered…

Note 18: Creepy Trump scum Russell Brand told Megyn Kelly that he raped a 16-year-old. So when does this fucker start dying in prison? More: The Guardian

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re taking you to Colorado where an ICE agent has been charged with assault for roughing up a peaceful protester. We saw this in Minnesota last week too. Hell yeah. Lock them all up. More: HuffPost

Note 20: BONUS HAPPY ENDING: Here’s Goofy learning to surf. Cracks us up and hits way too close to home for Sam…

Note 21: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. Unless you’re Tucker Carlson, in which case we hope one of those poison Amazonian fish swims up your pee hole. Love y’all!

Enjoy dinner!
Just before the White House Correspondents Association dinner this weekend, the New York Times revealed that Kash Patel and the FBI went after one of their reporters because she dared to tell people that Kash and his girlfriend are using the agency as their own personal plaything. This is obviously beyond the pale, and it should be the end for Kash. But it won’t be, and the press will still spend the weekend drinking and laughing with the people who want to lock them up. How can they respect us if they don’t respect themselves? And how much of our fucking money is going to make Kash’s no talent girlfriend feel like a fucking princess? More: Associated Press

LOL
Oh Republicans are big mad. We beat them at their own shitty game in Virginia, and they are fucking losing it. So they had a corrupt Republican judge prevent certification of the vote yesterday. Don’t worry. This judge is a joke, and the state AG is going to appeal this. It will have to survive some legal challenges, but the voters spoke and that’s what’s pissing off Republicans. More: CNN

Good timing!
The Secretary of the Navy was fired yesterday. But it’s fine because it’s not like the United States is holding a massive naval blockade at the moment. Oh wait. Yeah, John Phelan is out after he apparently got too chummy with Trump and made Pete Hegseth jealous. Who knows what the fuck really happened but that’s what they’re going with. We sure hope this asshole still faces accountability for the war crimes he committed, but also wouldn’t it be nice if we had functional military leadership right about now? More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON – David Jackson, a longtime reporter who chronicled the White House and political campaigns for USA TODAY and The Dallas Morning News, has died. More: USA Today

Nine months after President Donald Trump and Republicans launched an unprecedented effort to redraw the lines of congressional districts mid-decade and tilt them in their favor, Democrats appear more likely to benefit from the effort. More: HuffPost

It seems so illogical. How can the U.S. stock market be setting records when gasoline prices are still expensive, U.S. households are feeling less confident about the economy and the war with Iran is still going? More: NBC News

Britain’s Prince Harry made an unannounced visit to the Ukrainiancapital Kyiv on Thursday in a show of support for the country in its fifth year of war with Russia. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — The Gates Foundation is reviewing its ties to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the organization confirmed Wednesday, as chairman Bill Gates faces mounting scrutiny over his appearances in Justice Department documents related to its investigation of the disgraced financier. More: Associated Press

NEW YORK (AP) — Warner Bros. Discovery shareholders are set to vote Thursday on the company’s proposed $81 billion sale to Skydance-owned Paramount, in a mega merger that could vastly reshape Hollywood and the wider media landscape. More: Associated Press