Even Brainworm Guy Gets It

Today’s Big Stuff. September 12, 2024.

It’s Thursday. There are 54 days until the general election. Jan. 6 security is getting beefed up thanks to orangey, America tuned in for the ass-whoopin’ and a really nasty scum fight. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It has the concepts of a plan to stop.

Note: Sexy Patriots, over the years we have written some pretty crazy shit. Mostly because we’ve seen some pretty crazy shit. But we don’t know that we’ve ever written about anything as crazy as what we’re about to show you. And no, we’re not counting that day we had the flu and wrote 750 words about how Mike Pence’s real name was Mouth Penis. We think even this is crazier than that…

Wow. You just saw RFK Jr., a sexual assaulter anti-vaxxer dog-eater bear-corpse-defiler with a goddamn dead worm in his brain, actually get something right. We can’t believe it either. But it’s like the old saying — even a total piece of shit is right every once in a while. There were no serious polls that said Trump won. Because he didn’t. He got his ass whooped, and we all saw it. It’s why the freaks and the creeps spent yesterday cussing out Taylor Swift and crying about how their big tough guy got his ass handed to him by ABC News. And now the fucking brain worm guy is saying he lost. That’s gotta hurt.

So yeah, it’s pretty insane that RFK Jr. is right about this. But it also raises an interesting point — if even that shit-for-brains lunatic could see that Trump lost, then what’s the rest of the right’s excuse? Y’all have a blessed day. Except Brainworm Bobby. He can still kiss our asses.

Note two: The lunatic right flat out melted down over Tay Tay endorsing VP Harris. They also reminded us again what creepy weirdos they are. More: The New Republic

Note three: Meanwhile, Taylor just kept on winning. Suck it, Jiffypop Douchebag (JD) Vance. More: E Online

Note four: Joe Biden is going to be celebrating the 30th anniversary of the passage of the Violence Against Women Act. Meanwhile, Trump will just be celebrating violence against women. More: CNN

Note five: It’s so gross watching this sonofabitch defile our flag, but we are glad he didn’t hump it or beat a cop with it.

Note six: Kamala Harris is getting her own Ben and Jerry’s flavor — Coconut Jubilee. Sounds like a problem — for our waistline. More: USA Today

Note seven: Oh look, one of Brainworm Bobby’s consultants was part of the attack on the Capitol. What’s the opposite of surprising? More: The Intercept

Note eight: Wow. Another shocking endorsement for VP Harris. This time it’s former Bush Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. It’s nice that the more of these we see, the more we’re all reminded of what a cowardly asshat Dubya is. More: CBS News

Note nine: Trump managed to defile 9/11 yesterday. When he wasn’t winking and doing thumbs up, he was bringing a 9/11 conspiracy theorist with him to Ground Zero. Try to imagine the outrage from the press if a Democrat pulled this shit. More: NBC News

Note 10: It is simply amazing what absolute bullshit women candidates have to deal with. Overprepared? How about go over-fuck yourself instead.

Note 11: For some reason, Postmaster Louis DeJoy still has a job. And he is still very bad at it, and possibly messing with the election. So it’s awesome we all get to worry about that again. More: The Guardian

Note 12: Even House Republicans were telling Fox news what a “bloodletting” the debate was. LOL. Can you imagine how much ketchup Trump has thrown at the walls since Tuesday night? More: Fox News

Note 13: You know who liked Taylor Swift’s endorsement post? Caitlin Clark. You know who knows a shitload about winning? Caitlin Clark. More: CNN

Note 14: Speaker MAGA Mike Johnson got embarrassed by his own embarrassing party again yesterday, and we all moved one day closer to a government shutdown. Once again, we are absolutely daring Mikey to do what Trump wants and shut down the government. Please remind everyone what chaotic morons you are. Please. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Holy hell this answer from Nancy Pelosi about Trump’s decline made us pee ourselves laughing. Trump as a deflating balloon. And we hear he supplies his own fart noises.

Note 16: Btw, Taylor Swift’s endorsement drove well over 300,000 people to vote.gov. No wonder Republicans are freaking out. More. CBS News

Note 17: Putin was very upset he was discussed so much on the debate stage Tuesday night. Maybe he should go the fuck away and stop messing with our elections and attacking his neighbors and we wouldn’t need to talk about him. Sounds dreamy, don’t it? More: CBS News

Note 18: A new Marquette poll dropped yesterday showing MVP taking a lead in the Badger State. Ignore that shit, and let’s work. More: Marquette

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you Bon Jovi saving a life. He’s seen a million faces, and he’s rocked them all. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week. We also hope RFK Jr. doesn’t keep telling the truth and making sense. It really freaks us out. Love y’all!

Thanks, Trump
For the first time ever, the Jan. 6 certification of a presidential election has been designated a special national security event which means D.C. will basically be locked down. Do y’all know why we have to do this? Of course you do. But for the Trump folks, let’s remind them. We have to add extra security because when Trump got his orange ass kicked in the last election, he sent a small army of dirtbag morons to attack our Capitol. So yeah, we have to do this shit because of Trump. More: NBC News

Hell yeah!!!
So after we watched Kamala Harris mop the floor with orange dingus, we immediately hoped that the rest of the country was tuning in to see it too. And it turns out they were. About 67 million people watched Trump get his sorry ass whooped, which is about 16 million more people than the audience that watched Trump and Biden debate. Harris’s campaign was feeling so good yesterday that they put out the video of the entire debate on their social media feed and called it their “new ad.” LOL. Nice. More: Axios

Gross vs. Gross
So two of the absolute worst people on the planet are fighting, and they’re both so awful we can’t even enjoy it. Marjorie Taylor Greene is attacking Laura Loomer for being a racist. Loomer said MTG is a racist too, and then said a bunch of other really fucked up stuff. Apparently, both of these lunatic scumbags are jockeying to be the closest to Trump, and it has spilled out into public. We’re not gonna go into detail about their social media posts, but it’s pretty messed up even for some really messed up people. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips
If one of Donald Trump’s goals during Tuesday’s debate was to show that Kamala Harris would be a weak world leader, he failed. More: Politico

More women chose to have their tubes tied after Roe v. Wade was overturned in 2022, a new study shows, and the biggest increases were in states that ban abortion. More: Associated Press

Riding a fresh wave of momentum after her debate performance, Vice President Kamala Harris is ramping up her campaign Thursday by holding two rallies in North Carolina as she tries to wrestle back the key battleground state and close off one of former President Donald Trump’s main paths to victory. More. NBC News

A grueling manhunt for the suspect wanted in a highway shooting spree stretched into its fifth day as authorities said they believe he retreated deep into a forested swath of southeastern Kentucky with no indication he has fled elsewhere. More: Yahoo News