Epstein’s Victory

It’s Wednesday. There are 167 days until the midterm elections. The art of the dirty deal, Trump picks nasty in Texas and the Epstein people win in Kentucky.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So it can tell Jeff Bezos to eat all the shit.

Note: And we’re back! We’re so sorry we had to take the day off yesterday. We’re even sorrier that we have to report such shit news to y’all today. Because things are going from ugly to fugly. The election results are reminding us we are up against an actual cult of dumbshits, and the president’s slush fund for terrorists and pedophiles is reminding us we’re in hell. And then this sloppy sonofabitch went and reminded us yesterday that we don’t hate him enough…

Boo-fucking-hoo. No, JD, we don’t sympathize for pedophiles who attack our Capitol because we’re not fucking idiots or dirtbags. We leave that to the Republican Party. We realize that a shocking number of Americans will buy whatever these assholes are selling, but surely a $1.8 billion slush fund that Trump can give to the scummiest of scumbags is a step too far. Right?

Anyway, the purpose of today’s opening note is to ask you to step up your hatred for JD. We know you already hate him, but we want you to dig deep and hate him more. Pretend you’re his couch. If this sad sack suck-ass wants to support paying off pedophiles, then we need to remind him of it at every turn. It’s bad enough he works for one. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: White House communications director Steven Cheung has a message to Republicans. He told them to “fuck around and find out.” We have a message for Steven Cheung — wear a bag over your head so you stop scaring children. More: Yahoo News

Note three: Couchfuck said a lot of stupid things yesterday. But we’re curious if the guy who became a Catholic 10 minutes ago really wants to be lecturing the Pope. More: HuffPost

Note four: The race to replace Mitch McConnell will be Democrat Charles Booker vs. Republican congressman Andy Barr. Charles is Black, and Andy ran ads saying “it’s not a sin to be white.” So expect this race to be disgusting. And you can also expect Andy to win because after all it is the same electorate that voted for Mitch. More: NBC News

Note five: You can’t imagine the MSM outrage if Obama or Biden had called high gas prices “peanuts.” Jake Tapper would have dressed up like the QAnon Shaman and stormed the White House.

Note six: Well fuck. Despite our winning streak in Georgia, the GOP incumbents on the Supreme Court just won re-election. Not great. More: Bolts Mag

Note seven: It really should be a much, much bigger deal that Trump has been caught insider trading. But JD’s “c’mon man” is very convincing. More: CNBC

Note eight: It’s hard to express how much contempt we have for Senate Democrats who are voting to confirm judges who go along with Trump’s Big Lies. Fuck every last one of these people to hell and back.

Note nine: Putin and Xi are hanging out together. Isn’t it nice how Trump brings the world’s worst people together? More: NBC News

Note 10: Oh so now this is a crime?! What happened to America the land of the free?!

Note 11: We’re not saying that miraculous Knicks comeback last night was because of Mamdani. But we’re not not saying it either. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 12: Now that Bill Cassidy has lost his primary, he suddenly believes in the Constitution and voted to limit Trump’s war powers. Weird how losing helped him find his nuts. More: The Hill

Note 13: In the old movie City Slickers, Daniel Stern’s character tells his wife that “if hate were people, I’d be China.” That’s how we feel about Jeff Bezos. Fuck that pathetic ass-kisser.

Note 14: Some dirtbag cops in Tennessee didn’t like a post a local man made about Charlie Kirk. So they locked him up for a month. And now they’re having to pay him because this is still kind of America. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Remember the Dixie Chicks? Well now they’re just the Chicks. But they’re still awesome as evidenced by Natalie Maines calling Trump a “fugly slut.” Well said. More: HuffPost

Note 16: RIP to Barney Frank. As the first openly gay congressman and a proponent of Wall Street reform, he did a lot of good. He also said a lot of dumb shit on his way out. More: NBC News

Note 17: We’ve been waiting a long time for someone to take on this garbage Reagan quote…

Note 18: We’re seeing more wildfires in California. And we know that there are a lot of assholes out there who see this as an opportunity for more politics. Fuck that. Please be safe, Golden State. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Colorado. Jared Polis has decided he’s a big hero after letting Tina Peters go. So THANK YOU to the protesters who showed up to tell him otherwise.

Note 20: And on that not satisfying enough note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. But we get it if you’re super pissed off because we are too. Like someone buying a futon from JD off Facebook, we feel ripped off and in need of a shower. Love y’all!

A New Heist
We’ve all been rightfully focused on how Trump’s bullshit fake settlement with the IRS will create a slush fund for Trump’s army of scum. But it’s also super fucking egregious that part of the deal says that neither Trump not his dirtbag sons can ever be audited or investigated by the IRS ever again. So he can steal as much as he wants, rip off as many people as he wants and the IRS is barred from asking any questions. LOL. Fine. Fucking do it. This sure makes for a slam dunk campaign line for the 2028 Democratic nominee. More: CNN

He Has a Type
The run-off election in the Texas U.S. Senate Republican primary is next week, and Trump finally made his endorsement yesterday. Despite all the intense butt-kissing Cornyn did, Trump went with Ken Paxton. Probably because they’re both criminal scumbags who like cheating on their wives. It was actually really hilarious yesterday watching people like Susan Collins talk about how disappointed they were by this decision because Cornyn is their friend and Paxton is a degenerate nutjob. The upshot for Democrats is that this is great news for James Talarico. More: The Hill

Missing Massie
Well, now we know that Kentucky Republicans are fine with protecting rich pedophiles. Rep. Thomas Massie, who joined with Ro Khanna to force the release of the Epstein files, lost his primary yesterday after being targeted by Trump and more than $30 million in spending from pro-Israel groups. Massie took some shots at Israel, his opponent and Fox News in his concession speech. He also reminded everyone that he still has seven months left in office to cause trouble. We’re not gonna shed any tears when a right-wing Republican loses, but this one stings because we are grateful for what he did on behalf of the Epstein survivors. Let’s hope he uses the rest of his term to raise some hell and spends a lot of time reminding everyone that he lost because his political party is the Epstein Party. More: Slate More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
ORLANDO, Fla. — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league is cooperating with Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier after being issued a subpoena. More: NBC News

Political operative and longtime Trump ally Michael Caputo filed the first known claim for the Justice Department’s new “anti-weaponization” fund Tuesday, seeking $2.7 million in restitution. More: NBC News

Former Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms has won the Democratic primary in Georgia’s race for governor, NBC News projects. More: NBC News

BUNIA, Congo (AP) — Anxious healthcare workers in eastern Congo said Wednesday they are under protected and undertrained in the face of a rapidly spreading outbreak of a rare type of the Ebola virus in one of the world’s most remote and vulnerable places. More: Associated Press

SAN DIEGO (AP) — Two teenagers who shot and killed three people in an attack on a California mosque were radicalized online where they first met and shared white supremacist views, according to authorities and writings they authored. More: Associated Press