Elon’s issues

It’s Monday. There are 519 days until the midterm elections. Horror in Boulder, Ukraine kicks some serious Russian ass and Elon is a damn disaster.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s way fucking smarter than using violence like an evil dumbshit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’ve missed you! Thanks so much for letting us take a day off last week. It’s honestly fucking crazy how much insanity happens when you look away for one day. It was damn hard to choose a subject for today’s opening note. We were leaning toward an interview with Elon’s baby who gave him a black eye (yeah right), but then we saw a sitting senator tell us we’re all going to die…

Well fuck you too, Joni. Believe it or not, she actually made things even worse after that, recording two non-apology videos FROM A GODDAMN CEMETERY. We’re not political geniuses, but we do think it’s a bad idea for a candidate to promise certain death for her constituents. But she didn’t stop there. She actually recorded a third video from a dark location decorated with the skulls of her enemies and DoorDash drivers. Here now is an exclusive and not real transcript from that video…

Ernst: I see you. I’m coming to kill you all. None of you are safe. You cannot hide from me. I will drink your blood out of my World’s Best Senator mug. I just put your grandmother in a woodchipper for funsies. I made furniture from the skin of your neighbors, and I picked my teeth with the bones of the local 4H club. Fuck your Medicaid. It is the enemy of my murder addiction. You cannot hope to satisfy my bloodlust. I am insatiable, and I must kill. Vote Ernst!

Yikes. Joni Ernst seems to be a bit of a psycho. Of course this isn’t a real transcript. Or at least it wasn’t when we wrote it. Who knows what she’s planning next? Or where? Y’all have a blessed day. More: HuffPost

Note two: Sam is still traveling so our publishing schedule this week is a goddamn mess. But we will bust our hot asses to get some profanity-laced news in your inbox, and we promise everything will be back to abnormal next week.

Note three: Just a reminder that June is Pride Month and we’ll be celebrating like fucking lunatics. If you missed our Pride Declaration, you can check it out here. Be safe out there, Sexy Patriots.

Note four: Some shitty news out of Poland, where the country bucked the anti-authorian trend we’d been seeing since Trump’s reelection and elected a right-wing asshead. Goddamnit, Poland, what the hell? More: BBC

Note five: Over the weekend, Joe Biden posted some really fucked up shit about Trump being a clone of someone who actually died a few years ago. Oh wait. We have that backwards. So which one of these guys are the beltway press telling us is cognitively declined?

Note six: Speaking of Joke Tapper’s disgraceful attacks on Biden, it looks like America ain’t interested. His book sales are shit and his show is struggling. Great work, Jake! More: ShowBiz411

Note seven: Trump is so pissed about his new TACO nickname (lol) that he raised tariffs on steel and aluminum to 50 percent. Isn’t it cool having a president who is totally insane and insecure about his manhood? More: CNBC

Note eight: Want to feel super proud to be an American? We’re now zip-tying children. So yeah, we’re fucking monsters. More: MSN

Note nine: This Tim Walz zinger aimed at Susan Collins had us howling. Don’t you wish more Democrats talked like this?

Note 10: Is it bad that ICE is terrorizing communities and congressional offices? Because it seems pretty fucking bad to us. More: The Hill

Note 11: Trump is now talking about pardoning Diddy. He sure does love guys who abuse women. Let’s hope 50 Cent can stop this. Yeah, that’s how fucked we are. More: The Independent

Note 12: We’ve got some bad news. The FDA now stands for Fucking Dumb Ass…

Note 13: Gretchen Whitmer says that Trump told her he wouldn’t pardon the guys who plotted to kidnap her. Hard to believe he lied. More: CNN

Note 14: Joe Biden says he’s going to beat his cancer. Hell yeah! We’re rooting for you, Brandon! More: The Guardian

Note 15: And here’s a demon asshole’s take on Biden’s cancer. Every day we hate this motherfucker more than we thought was possible.

Note 16: You’re not gonna believe this but tiny freak Kash Patel has absolutely wrecked the FBI by giving polygraphs to agents and firing people who care about minorities. It’s odd to say but it does seem like the bureau is getting back to its roots. More: Raw Story

Note 17: A Jan. 6er is refusing to accept her pardon from Trump because she says she was guilty and wrong. Um, she’s right. Now we just need all the other treasonous criminal assholes to grow a conscience. More: CBS News

Note 18: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the New England Patriots. Yeah, we can’t believe it either. But they are celebrating Pride Month, and it’s driving the bigots nuts. Go Pats? More: HuffPost

Note 19: And on that unlikely note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend, and we are sure grateful to you for giving us a day off. Now let’s cuss out some fascist shitheads, shall we? Love y’all!

Hate and horror
Evil had a good weekend in Colorado. In Boulder, a murderous piece of shit used a makeshift flamethrower and molotov cocktails to attack older Jewish people who were standing in solidarity with Israeli hostages. There are six victims ranging in ages 67 to 88 years old, which means they have lived to see antisemitic horror return too many times. According to Colorado reporter Kyle Clark, one of the victims has injuries that could be considered critical. The scum who did this is in custody and going to die in prison. This is so fucking awful, and we just know Trump will make it worse. More: CNN

Slava, motherfuckers!
Trump might bow down to Putin, but Zelensky ain’t. Over the weekend, Ukraine launched a massive drone attack on Russia’s military planes IN RUSSIA. Zelensky said the operation was planned for a year and a half and involved 117 drones. According to CNN, the strike cost Russia $7 billion in damage and took out 34 percent of Russia’s “strategic cruise missiles.” We continue to be mortified that our president is Putin’s bitch and eager to surrender, but we are damn impressed by the fearlessness and resolve of Zelensky and the Ukrainian people. Russia warship, go fuck yourself. More: CNN

Oh Elon
Want to talk scandals? Ok here’s one. The New York Times dropped a bombshell Friday, reporting that Elon Leon Musk has been heavily loaded on drugs like Ketamine throughout the campaign. Then this motherfucker shows up in the Oval Office Friday with a black eye, blaming it on his five-year-old (we call bullshit). Elon Leon struggled to make a convincing denial of his drug use, mostly because he’s talked about it before. But if Democrats can’t make hay out of Trump letting a drugged out South African billionaire fuck over U.S. military veterans, then we should all just fucking quit. More: The Guardian, ShowBiz411

Today’s clips
A California state parole board recommended parole for Patricia Krenwinkel, a follower of the cult leader Charles Manson, on Friday for the second time. More: NBC News

Donald Trump’s birthday military parade could cause as much as $16 million worth of damage to the streets of Washington, D.C., officials estimate. More: The Independent

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) drew fierce blowback on Sunday over his social media post about 22-year-old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg. More: HuffPost

Former President Bill Clinton said former President Joe Biden was “on top” of things when he was asked about Biden’s alleged cognitive decline during an interview on “CBS Sunday Morning.” More: HuffPost

The latest from Adam