Today sucks

Today’s Big Stuff. January 6, 2025.

It’s Monday. There are 666 days until the midterm elections (we’re not making that up). The Washington Post has fallen, Elon Leon wants world domination and today really sucks.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s been saving that shit up for like a week.

Note: SEXY PATRIOTS!!!! Holy freaking crap we missed your hot asses so much! We’re so damn excited to catch up with you and cuss out some assholes, but first we have a message for the non-sexy non-patriots out there who voted for a certain orange fuckhead even though four years ago he attacked our goddamn Capitol. So here goes…

Hey so what’s your fucking problem? Are you a goddamn idiot? Do you just hate America that much? An idiot gameshow host attacked your capital. He sent a gang of scum to beat cops with the American flag and defile the building that the people on Flight 93 died protecting. And you’re fine with that? It’s supposed to be your house, dumbass. They smeared shit on the walls. Do you let people smear shit on the walls of your house? You do, don’t you? You just live in a gross house with walls made of poop and that’s why you’re so goddamn dumb and disgusting that you voted for the lowdown motherfucker who attacked America. Well fuck you, fuck Trump and fuck your poop house.

Ok we needed to get that off our chests. Now let’s all spend the day not attacking the U.S. Capitol and beating cops with the flag because we’re not scumbag traitor assholes. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Before we get on with the news, we want to tell you about something very special that happened while we were away. On New Year’s Day, Today’s Big Stuff passed 150,000 subscribers. Yeah, we’re pretty fucking shocked too. TBS started during the first run of Trump stupidity. It started for a few friends just to help us cope and laugh and resist and it just kept growing. Everything sucks right now, but at least we have each other and we are so goddamn grateful for that. And for you. Thank you, SPs.

Note three: It feels like we could have just posted this as a metaphor for everything we missed over the last week…

Note four: We were also away when a piece of shit attacked New Orleans, one of our favorite cities in the world. It’s tragic, and it will get even more so when Trump uses it to do some evil shit. More: The Guardian

Note five: John Roberts wrote a whiny end-of-year piece about how unfair it is that people are mean to our corrupt and broken Supreme Court and accuse it of being politicized. We hope Roberts will pretend like we’re Trump and kiss our asses. More: The New Republic

Note six: It’s hard to believe it’s been four years since a drunken Lindsey Graham cried and peed himself.

Note seven: A winter storm is rocking parts of the country, so please be safe and warm out there. Unless you voted for Trump. Then you can freeze your goddamn nipples off for all we care. More: NBC News

Note eight: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section but we want to make sure you saw the editorial cartoon that the Washington Post killed…

Note nine: And the shithead owner of the LA Times literally brought Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow) and Cheryl Hines (the woman RFK Jr. cheats on) to the newsroom. So that newspaper is fucking dead. More: The Independent

Note 10: So there’s some shit happening up north where Canadian PM Justin Trudeau is stepping down. We don’t really blame him. We don’t want to deal with Trump either. More: The Guardian

Note 11: How pathetic and gross is Jeff Bezos? He hired a disgraced MeToo director to make an Amazon movie about Melania. We’re very excited to not watch the shit out of it. More: CNBC

Note 12: RFK Jr. wants to bring back deadly diseases, groped his babysitter, had an affair with a reporter, got some kids killed in Samoa, said heroin made him a better student and he has a dead fucking worm in his brian. So someone please explain to us why Bernie Sanders and John Fetterman are kissing his ass.

Note 13: It’s pretty wild to think that according to Trump, Vice President Harris could just deny certification today. Of course that’s not a real thing so she’s going to actually follow the law and not be a fucking asshole about it. More: BBC

Note 14: If you live in Virginia, there are some special elections this week that we really need you to vote in. More: CNN

Note 15: We were so excited to see Demi Moore win a Golden Globe last night. And this joke from Nikki Glaser dropped us…

Note 16: Hey just a reminder that Trump is still a felon and will still be sentenced. While he won’t be going to prison forever like he should, this is still something we enjoy. Also, Henry Kissinger is still dead. More: ABC News

Note 17: Y’all have no idea how much it pained us to not be publishing when Hakeem Jeffries promised to “fart hard” for America. That is exactly the kind of juvenile humor we live for, and you can bet we will be farting hard for America too. More: Yahoo

Note 18: Try not to read this as any kind of metaphor for our political party…

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to take a second to note the journey of President Jimmy Carter. Why does it feel like his funeral procession is for America too? More: WVTM13

Note 20: And on that not-so-happy note, let’s go do some news! We’re so fucking happy to be back with you even if today sucks butt. Y’all really got us all emotional over the break when we learned about the 150k mark. There is strength — and comfort — in numbers. So thank you for making us stronger while also comforting us with the knowledge that we are not alone. Love y’all so much!

Democracy dies
The Washington Post is circling the drain. With billionaire owner Jeff Bezos doing everything he can to kiss orange ass, the newspaper that broke Watergate and brought down a president is dying. Cartoonist Ann Telnaes left the paper after having one of her cartoons spiked, most of the paper’s political reporters are leaving for other publications and Bezos greenlit that stupid fucking Melania movie. So yeah, TBS is the media now. We’re not happy about it either. But what a goddamn shame. Billionaires are destroying everything. More: CNN

Um…
|Here in the U.S., we know what a deranged, corrupt and power-hungry piece of shit Elon Leon Musk is. And now the rest of the world is finding out too. Not satisfied with his purchase of the U.S. government and a president, Elon Leon is now pushing extreme right-wing politicians in other countries too. This is really freaking bad, y’all. We don’t need England or Germany or anyone else getting all nazi-fied. If only the leader of the free world would stand up to this guy instead of kissing his ass. More: Semafor

Fuck fuck fuck
Today sucks. There’s just no way around that. And we really don’t know how to make it not suck. So today we’re going to recommend that you read the words of some of the heroes from that day four years ago and think about their sacrifice. And then turn off the tv and maybe huff some paint thinner. Things suck, SPs. But we don’t have to like it and we sure as shit don’t have to accept it. The fight back starts tomorrow. More: Huff Post

Today’s clips
Against a backdrop of clips documenting Eastman’s efforts, Trump is understood to have told party attendees, “I’m a big fan of John Eastman. Y’know, he was right. He happened to be right. That’s why they changed the law and nobody wants to talk about that.” More: Yahoo

President Joe Biden is decrying what he calls an “unrelenting effort” to downplay a mob of Donald Trump supporters overrunning the U.S. Capitol in an attempt to block certification of the 2020 election — seeking to contrast that day’s chaos with what he promises will be an orderly transition returning Trump to power for a second term. More: Huff Post

Austrian President Alexander Van der Bellen has asked the leader of the country's far-right Freedom Party (FPÖ) to form a new ruling coalition in what could yield the first far-right-led government in Austria since World War Two. More: NBC News