41 Effing Minutes

Happy Friday. There are 333 days until the midterm elections. Laughing with Letitia, Pentagon psychos and SCOTUS loves racism.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. When you hear what Trump did to the national parks, you will too.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we did it. We made it to another weekend in Trumpland, where everything sucks. Well, almost everything. You don’t suck. In fact, you’re pretty dang awesome. And sexy. Oh so sexy. If you’ll allow us to be a little mushy today, we’d like to tell y’all just how much we love you.

If you’re new to the AltMedia, you might not know that we started this newsletter almost seven years ago for a few friends of ours. We mostly wanted/needed an outlet to make ourselves laugh during the first Trump administration, but we kept growing and growing. We made each other laugh, we cussed, we comforted each other, we cussed, we organized, we fought, we won, we lost, we cussed. It’s been a wild journey so far, and it has only happened because of your sexy asses. We will never be able to adequately express just how grateful we are.

And that’s why we feel like total fucking dickheads asking you for a favor. You see, the White House has rolled out a webpage that allows the public to submit claims of media bias. Yeah, they must have solved all the real problems already. But we think it would be really groovy if all the Sexy Patriots took a few minutes to light these dumbshits up with examples of real media bias from Trump’s butt-smooching buddies. So please follow this link and enjoy yourself. And don’t forget to tell them to kiss your sexy ass. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. We’re doing a session today at 2:30 ET/11:30 PT.

Note three: So here’s what shithead did to the national parks. Get ready to be really, really fucking angry. More: SFGate

Note four: Well, we can breathe a sorta sigh of relief. It looks like Netflix will buy Warner Brothers (and CNN) and not Trump’s pals who just bought CBS. Ain’t media consolidation fun? It sure is a blast living in a goddamn episode of Succession. More: HuffPost

Note five: We’re really sorry to show you this, but we figure at this point you’re already furious and it’s important we not look away from this evil shit.

Note six: Europe is standing up to Elon Leon. Don’t you wish our country had the guts and morality to do the same? More: HuffPost

Note seven: You might have read that the Republican Party has a nazi youth problem. Well Vice President Couchfuck says there’s no problem at all. He really wants that Nick Fuentes endorsement. More: NBC News

Note eight: There was supposed to be a jobs report today. Guess we’re just not doing that anymore. Can you imagine if Biden or Obama had… oh fuck it.

Note nine: Oh and JizzOn DaCouch (JD) Vance is just as unfunny as you thought he was. Can you imagine having to pretend to laugh at this asshole’s joke More: Mediaite

Note 10: We’ve seen this drunk idiot say this quite a few times. And our response is that she and her president can kiss our hot asses.

Note 11: We’re not gonna share any video from it, but did y’all see asshead make a mockery of the Christmas Tree lighting last night? Dude could fuck up a sneeze. More: Mediaite

Note 12: Today is the draw for the World Cup, an event we were very much looking forward to until Trump decided to get his stank all over it. More: NBC News

Note 13: We go back and forth on Gavin Newsom and we sure as shit don’t love his new play about how Democrats need to be “normal,” but man this is some top-notch trolling…

Note 14: Well here’s something that’s not a surprise at all. The D.C. pipe bomb guy believed Trump’s election conspiracy bullshit. So just another Jan. 6 asshole. More: NBC News

Note 15: Erika Kirk is making media rounds. And she has some really, really stupid thoughts about women in New York City. In fact, why the fuck are we even sharing this? Our bad. More: HuffPost

Note 16: America has a new formal security strategy. And it is Putin’s dream. Goodbye, European allies. It was fun while it lasted. More: Associated Press

Note 17: This is from the New York Times so it’s paywalled, but we did want to make sure to share this op-ed from Rep. Ilhan Omar, who is being forced to defend an entire people from the president’s racism. Thank you, Congresswoman.

Note 18: This is pretty hilarious. Mike Little Johnson is begging House Republicans to complain about him in private instead of going to the press. LOLOLOL!!! Remember when Speaker Pelosi did this? Yeah, we don’t either. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to congratulate Johnsonin Davenport (JD) Vance on his strong marriage. Why would we wish such a thing to such an asshole? Because Adam is the reason he has to go around saying this shit and we can’t stop laughing about it. Yeah, Adam spotted Usha without a wedding ring and everyone else spotted JD being a fucking loser and the two of them have had to do a media tour to push back. So congrats or something. LOLOL!!! Trolling fascists is fun. More: NBC News

Note 20: And on that immature but very, very funny note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an amazing weekend. Please join us for some therapy today and please remember to sign your emails to the White House as “Deez Nuts.” Love y’all!

Too damn funny
Ok now this is hilarious. The Trump administration keeps trying to go after Letitia James, and they keep failing. Yesterday a grand jury just flat out refused to indict her again after the last indictment was thrown out. We always heard that a grand jury would indict a ham sandwich, and so yeah, it makes sense that Trump and his idiots would lose to a ham sandwich. We continue to be enormously grateful that all these cruel, bigoted people are dumber than dog shit. More: The Guardian

41 Minutes
Yesterday members of Congress were briefed on Pete Hegseth’s murder of Venezuelan fishermen and it looks even worse than we thought. Apparently the admiral in charge sat there and watched two men struggling to cling to boat wreckage for 41 fucking minutes before ordering another strike to kill them. Republicans are desperately trying to defend this indefensible shit, but Hegseth is a psycho who just can’t help himself. So he killed some more people yesterday and then trolled on twitter about it. We’re being led by people who abused animals as kids. More: HuffPost, CNN

FSCOTUS
Our broken and corrupt Supreme Court continues to be broken and corrupt and oh so racist. Yesterday the court ordered that Texas can use its racist rigged congressional maps next year. To arrive at this conclusion, Sam Alito basically just lied. Elena Kagan pushed back big time, but it is and has been obvious that this is a court majority made up of Republican political operatives and that’s who they serve. It’s gonna get really fucked up when this same court says California can’t use it’s new maps. Or when they finish off the Voting Rights Act altogether. If your 2028 presidential candidate isn’t talking about expanding the court, then your candidate ain’t worth supporting. More: NPR

Today’s clips
As Republicans spent most of the year on legislation to drastically cut taxes for the wealthy and slash Medicaid, then took a weekslong break from Washington while the government was shut down, House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) continually insisted they would be able to fix a looming spike in health care costs in December. More: HuffPost

California Governor Gavin Newsom (D) hit back at Halle Berry after the Academy Award-winning actress surprised an audience with scathing comments about the governor. More: Mediaite

The CDC’s vaccine advisory panel is expected to decide Friday whether all newborns should routinely get hepatitis B vaccines. More: NBC News

Some House Republicans are expressing disappointment with Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.), who missed every vote this week after announcing in November that she would leave Congress in January. More: The Hill

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy has a pipe dream. An exhaust pipe dream, to be specific. More: HuffPost