Eff the Groundhog

It’s Monday. There are 274 days until the midterm elections. Liam goes home, an earthquake in Texas and Epstein Island is in the White House.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t screw up the Kennedy Center like a total asshole.

Note: Sexy Patriots! What a weekend! It’s crazy how much dumb and awful shit has happened since we last saw you. And we spent most of the time watching Catherine O’Hara movies and crying. And when we weren’t doing that we were celebrating what happened in Texas. And when we weren’t doing that we were reading the Epstein files and dry-heaving. And when we weren’t doing that we were playing America’s favorite new game — DID THE PRESIDENT SHIT HIMSELF?

Yeah, we wish we were kidding. We realize there are some really important news stories to deal with, but we wouldn’t be doing our jobs if we didn’t tell you about PoopiePants-Gate…

Oh dear. Thank god you can’t smell these newsletters, right? POTUS definitely pooped himself, and it’s really obvious he did the cowboy walk right after this scene and then they had to throw away the goddamn chair. Unfortunately, he didn’t stop there. Yeah, he’s been shitting in America’s pants, and we’re sick of it. Vote Democrat, America. It’s time to change our diapers. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re going to close down the newsletter for two years because we ran off everyone who used to like it by being total fuckheads. Just kidding. That’s the Kennedy Center. The newsletter ain’t going anywhere. More: NBC News

Note three: That Catherine O’Hara news really did wreck us. We watched almost every Christopher Guest movie this weekend. More: USA Today

Note four: Can you believe how fast January flew by? Well November will be here before you know it. This is the year we kick some ass. And don’t forget we have some serious elections this month too. More: Bolts Mag

Note five: This motherfucker… Nobody wants to hear it, Phil!

Note six: Trumpism is when a deadly, once-eradicated disease is starting to spread through an American concentration camp. Are we fucking great again or what? More: NBC News

Note seven: ProPublica has some guts, y’all. They were the only ones willing to name the CBP assholes who murdered Alex Pretti. More: ProPublica

Note eight: ICE spent the weekend tear-gassing children in Portland. Shut this fucking shit down. More: OPB

Note nine: Actually, it already is kinda shut down. Senate Democrats voted to fund the government, including DHS, for two weeks so they can negotiate on ICE. Or so they can let Republicans stall. But this stuff still has to pass the House and that ain’t going to be easy. So we are currently in a partial shutdown and might stay that way for a bit. It’s almost like these corrupt shitheads can’t govern. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Thank you to the artists who spoke out at last night’s Grammys about ICE abuses. We really appreciate how much they pissed off our idiot president.

Note 11: We are enormously grateful to Philly DA Larry Krasner for fighting Trump’s goons like hell, and we do not understand why Gov. Josh Shapiro is going on Fox News to trash him. Between this and the digs at Kamala, Josh seems to be doing some Fetterman bullshit. More: FoxNews

Note 12: You’re about to have a much better day than Mike Little Johnson. Because he has to swear in Texas Democrat Christian Menefee and his Republican majority goes down to one. And that includes Thomas Massie. LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!! More: NBC News

Note 13: RIP Florida. You had a good run.

Note 14: There is some seriously fucked up and secretive shit going on around Tulsi. We’re guessing it’s because she’s a Russian spy. More: HuffPost

Note 15: The New York Times reported this weekend that Trump’s FBI left dozens of nude photos in the most recent Epstein file drop. And the Wall Street Journal is reporting that 43 names of victims weren’t redacted. How did this happen when Todd Blanche keeps saying the FBI worked its ass off to protect the victims? Well it makes sense when you realize who Blanche and Trump think the real victims were. More: New York Times, Wall Street Journal

Note 16: You know how there are always stories about Trump’s shocking corruption that would have ended any other presidency? Well, here’s today’s… More: CNBC

Note 17: Resistance is sexy, and Nick Fuentes is a virgin.

Note 18: We’re sending love and hope to Savannah Guthrie. We hate stories like this. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we were just gonna play the trailer for The Devil Wears Prada 2. But instead here is Peter Dinklage reading a poem that Amanda Gorman wrote for fellow poet Renee Good. You should probably grab some tissues…

Note 20: And on that beautiful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there. If not, just be happy you didn’t crap yourself in the Oval Office. Love y’all!

Phew
It’s a small but important victory. Liam Conejo Ramos, the five-year-old ICE kidnapped and took to Texas, is back in Minnesota with his father after a judge forced their release this weekend. We are enormously grateful to the Democratic members of Congress who fought for Liam’s release. Still, we can’t help but think of the children who are still locked up, still afraid, still waiting for someone to take them home. The fight goes on. More: ABC News

Holy fucking shit!
The more Trump openly talks about cheating in the midterms, the more scared he is. And after this weekend, he has some pretty big goddamn reasons to be scared. In Texas’s ruby red Tarrant County, Democrat Taylor Rehmet won a special election for the state senate. So what’s the big deal? This area went for Trump by 17 points. And despite his pleas of ignorance, he went all in on this race, posting about it several times on Truth Social. Republicans outspent Rehmet 10-to-one. What’s crazy is that it’s really obvious how many Republicans voted for the Democrat. Y’all, this is the largest GOP county in the whole dang country. Who’s ready to take our country back this year? More: Texas Tribune, Texas Tribune II

Lock them up

On Friday, DOJ dropped more than 3 million new Epstein docs, and they are fucking horrifying. The allegations against Trump, which were posted and then deleted, are disgusting and should result in him being impeached today. But there are a shitload of people in these docs, including Elon (who was really thirsty to hang out on pedo island), Nutlick (who lied about going to the island) and many, many other gross sonsofbitches who deserve to have this evil shit follow them around for the rest of their lives. Trump has not faced any real questions about the latest drop or allegations against him, and the New York Times put it on Page 17. This is the most horrifying and shocking scandal of all time and the corporate media don’t really seem to give a shit. Wonder why. More: The Hill, PBS, PBS II

Today’s clips
The Republican National Committee has vastly outpaced Democrats in the crush for cash ahead of the midterm elections, holding a nearly $100 million advantage at the close of 2025, according to year-end filings to the Federal Election Commission. More: Associated Press

Forecasters warned that dangerous extra-cold conditions will persist into Monday morning for a huge swath of the U.S. from the Gulf Coast into New England that was cleaning up after a weekend bomb cyclone brought heavy snow and flight cancellations to North Carolina and flurries and falling iguanas in Florida. More: NBC News

President Donald Trump’s jokes at an elite closed-door Washington, D.C., event bombed so badly that “the room fell silent repeatedly,” The Washington Post reported Sunday. More: Mediaite

Pope Leo said on Sunday he was deeply concerned about rising tensions between the United States and Cuba, and he called for “sincere and effective dialogue” to prevent violence and further suffering for the Cuban people. More: HuffPost

Donald Trump drew mockery and criticism in equal measure on social media following a new report on the sheer scale of his proposed arch for Washington, D.C. More: HuffPost

President Donald Trump endorsed John Sununu in the New Hampshire Senate race Sunday, backing him over other Republican opponents, including Scott Brown, as the GOP seeks to flip the seat held by Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, a retiring Democrat. More: NBC News