Eff His A 2026

Happy Friday. There are 200(!) days until the midterms. Trump lies about the Epstein survivors, Jared Golden can kiss our golden asses and Minnesota melts ICE.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it doesn’t eff with the Pope.

Note: Time sure does fly by, don’t it? Or at least it would if we weren’t all trapped in dumbfuck gameshow host hell. Still, it is remarkable to consider that we are now just 200 days out from the midterm elections. And early voting is even sooner than that! It seems like just yesterday that we took a deep breath (of some shit we found underneath the kitchen sink) after Election Day 2024 and started out the newsletter with a giant number.

But here we are, and Republicans are getting nervous like Melania in a conversation about Epstein. We know that over the last seven years we have asked a lot of y’all. Time and again, we’ve all had to suit up, slide down the fire pole and bust our hot asses to try and save this cute but stupid country. Well, we’re asking again. We need you, Sexy Patriots. We need you to do what you do best and kick some fascist dumbshit ass. Pick a campaign, pick a candidate or pick a state. Get invested. Do the work. Plant the seeds of victory.

And thanks to Rep. Sydney Kamlager-Dove we even have a new slogan for the midterms to keep us all motivated…

LOL! Yes!!! That’s the new slogan — FUCK HIS ASS 2026!!! Let’s do this, Sexy Patriots. Y’all have a blessed day. And fuck his ass. More: HuffPost

Note two: Are we the only ones having a blast watching rich assholes freak the hell out about Mamdani’s tax plans? If Bill Ackman actually cries it will make our whole year. More: FT

Note three: While we were sleeping, the House voted to extend Trump’s ability to spy on us all through April 30. It’s kind of a win though because Trump wanted a much longer extension. Story of his life, right? More: HuffPost

Note four: Big congrats to Analilia Mejia and New Jersey Democrats on winning the special election there yesterday. Let’s keep this train rolling! More: HuffPost

Note five: Here’s Trump shitting all over that fake DoorDash driver from earlier in the week. Just a real man of the people…

Note six: How scared is Trump about the midterms? Well, he picked a non-lunatic to lead the CDC, and that’s a big change in policy. More: NBC News

Note seven: Iran says the Strait of Hormuz is open. So congrats to Trump on partially un-fucking up his fuck-up. More: NBC News

Note eight: It’s really a travesty that it has taken this long to get an MSM story comparing the Ballroom Bitch to Marie Antoinette, but we’ll take it. More: Associated Press

Note nine: Sean Hannity cheated on his wife and tortured Seth Rich’s family until they sued him. So naturally he’s lecturing the Pope on the Bible. More: HuffPost

Note 10: And btw, the Pope ain’t mentioned Trump. He just says stuff like this and everyone knows who he’s talking about…

Note 11: ICE’s acting director is stepping down. Apparently working for Stephen Miller almost killed him. Good. More: Associated Press

Note 12: Trump tried to shit talk Mamdani yesterday. But he’s still giving Mamdani what he asks for. LOL. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Lauren Boebert wants to know why everyone in Congress is “so horny.” We couldn’t see her hands when she said it, but we made some assumptions. More: HuffPost

Note 14: It is stunning how much this dumb motherfucker keeps talking about his goddamn ballroom when Americans can’t afford to fill up their gas tanks. More: HuffPost

Note 15: But don’t worry because his spoiled rotten ass says that gas prices aren’t that high. How the fuck would he know? Has he ever pumped gas?

Note 16: Thank you to Rep. Linda Sanchez for calling out brainworm felcher guy’s weird Kid Rock videos to his face. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Dave Chapelle said he didn’t know Republicans would weaponize his anti-trans bullshit. Guess we were wrong to think Dave was smart. What an asshole. More: Mother Jones

Note 18: The woman who married Stephen Miller says that liberal men are unattractive. She’s obviously never met us. Or her husband. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re leaning on the Artemis crew again for hope and decency. We know we’ve used them a lot here, but we just really needed them.

Note 20: And on that charming note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. We know you’re ready to rumble this year, and so are we. Fuck his ass! Love y’all!

BONUS: Just to put a smile on your face and a little boogie in your bootie, here’s some Marvin Gaye to kick this weekend off right…

‘Victims or whatever’
Thanks to Melania, reporters are asking about Epstein again. Unfortunately, the man who trafficked and possibly raped some of the same children is still a huge piece of shit. Trump lied yesterday and said that the “victims or whatever” don’t want to go under oath. That is a flat out lie. But even if it was true, why is the burden on them? And when are Trump and Melania going under oath to answer questions about their buddy? We are never gonna stop being pissed off about this. More: The Hill

This dude
Yesterday the House came close to stopping Trump’s lawless war boner. Unfortunately for the world, one Democrat joined with Republicans to sink it. Retiring Maine Rep. Jared Golden continues to be a sellout asshole, and we hate him. Democrats have been given a golden (sorry) political opportunity to be the anti-war party. Unfortunately, some assholes just won’t take the win. More: Maine Public

More of this
Oh fuck yeah. This should have been the Happy Ending. In Minnesota, Hennepin County Attorney Mary Moriarty is going after the ICE fucks who broke the law. Yesterday Moriarty filed criminal charges against an ICE agent for pointing his gun at people while he was driving an SUV. The complaint even names the asshole. He hasn’t been arrested, but there is a warrant out for him. This is such an important move, and we are so grateful to Moriarty and her team for taking this on. Accountability is coming. We hope. More: Minnesota Reformer

Today’s clips
Donald Trump spent part of his flight to Las Vegas on Thursday attacking Fox News’ progressive host Jessica Tarlov — and calling for her to be taken off the air. More: HuffPost

ANNANDALE, Va. (AP) — Former Virginia Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax, a rising star in the Democratic Party until sexual assault allegations ruined his political fortunes, killed his estranged wife and then himself weeks before a judge’s deadline to move out of their family home, according to police and court records. More: Associated Press

BUDAPEST, Hungary (AP) — European Union officials are meeting Friday in Budapest with members of Hungarian election winner Péter Magyar’s team about pressing issues including a massive loan for Ukraine as well as unlocking about 17 billion euros ($20 billion) of aid for Hungary withheld during the reign of outgoing Prime Minister Viktor Orbán. More: Associated Press

SEASIDE PARK, N.J. (AP) — A long-lasting weather pattern is poised to blast hot air like a furnace across the eastern United States, with the unusual heat wave threatening to shatter record high temperatures Wednesday in big cities including New York, Philadelphia and Washington, D.C. More: Associated Press

President Donald Trump took his lying to Las Vegas on Thursday, where he continued misrepresenting a new tax law benefiting senior citizens and workers who collect tips or work overtime. More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON — Minneapolis resident Aliya Rahman on Thursday filed a complaint against the Department of Homeland Security over federal immigration enforcement officers’ “brutal tactics and conduct” toward her in January, when they inexplicably dragged her out of her car on her way to a doctor’s appointment. More: HuffPost