Eff Fetterman

Happy Friday. There are 480 days until the midterm elections. Trump plans a trip to inspect his deadly screw-up, DHS wants to make skateboarding a crime and a word of appreciation for Justice KBJ.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s got a shit attitude about homework too.

Housekeeping note: Thank you to everyone who joined our weekly therapy session yesterday! Love y’all!

Note: Believe it or not, Sexy Patriots, it used to be a challenge to fill 20 notes in this here newsletter. Back when the sleepy guy was running shit, there was plenty of news to cover, but we also had lots of room for stuff like women’s college basketball updates and TV reviews. Not anymore. There’s so much stupid horrible shit happening we barely even remember to make fun of Giuliani anymore (remember when it looked like he was shitting out of his face?! LOLOL!!!). Things are scary out there and getting worse. And that’s why we ain’t got time for this motherfucker…

Oh fuck off, Uncle Fester. Is anybody else sick and tired of watching the Credulous Hulk bark like a trained seal for Trump’s approval? We’ve said it before, but it’s like Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema got together under some power lines and crapped out a mutant centrist asshead. Even Susan Collins is probably concerned about him. Democrats deserve better than sellout shitheads who get elected with our money and sweat and then stick a fucking knife in our backs.

So let’s be clear about a few things — Uncle Festerman can kiss our asses and we long for the next time he faces a primary. Oh and fuck ICE straight to hell. Y’all have a blessed day. Except John Fetterman. Because he sucks. He sucks big time. More: HuffPost

Note two: Also, if you want to know what ICE was doing while Sen. Fuckhead was kissing their asses, watch this. But be warned that it’s a hard watch.

Note three: Whoa! Shit got real in the Republican Texas Senate primary yesterday when Hall of Fame Asshole Ken Paxton’s wife filed for divorce, citing "biblical" reasons that were very obviously affairs. We have no idea if this helps him or hurts the state AG with Republican voters. What a cool party. More: HuffPost

Note four: Steve Bannon is calling for a special prosecutor for the Epstein files. Um he’s right? This feels weird. Let’s move on. More: Yahoo

Note five: Trump is pushing hard to defund NPR and PBS and funding for AIDs medicine, and he’s threatening Republican senators who are threatening to vote against it. So they’ll probably vote for it. Because they have no spines and no souls. More: Politico

Note six: This right here. This is the energy we’re all gonna need. There are heroes among us, and they are standing up.

Note seven: TACO is hitting Canada with a 35 percent tariff. It’s stupid and bad for the economy, but we have to do it because Melania wanted to fuck Trudeau probably. More: Bloomberg

Note eight: If you want to see what an absolute clusterfuck these tariffs really are, read this story about how Vietnam thought they had a deal. You can probably guess what happened next. More: Politico

Note nine: Randy Fine is a bigot, and it’s a damn disgrace that he hasn’t already been censured. More: The Hill

Note 10: We like being in the party that is actually opposed to child predators instead of electing them.

Note 11: Republicans are worried Joni Ernst is gonna retire. We’re worried every fucking day she goes to work. More: Politico

Note 12: This story from NBC points out that the U.S. has had four one-in-1,000-year storms in a week. We should probably start noticing the goddamn pattern before we’re all cooked. More: NBC News

Note 13: Don’t worry, everybody! The head of the EPA is going to spend some time studying some very, very stupid conspiracy theories. JFC does this asshole have a brainworm too? More: HuffPost

Note 14: Remember how Trump kept saying he obliterated the nuke stuff in Iran and everyone else kept saying that was horseshit? Well everyone else was right. More: Associated Press

Note 15: This ain’t exactly breaking news, but the Secretary of Defense is a fucking idiot dipped in moron juice.

Note 16: The new Superman is out today, and we’re excited to see it. But only because we like truth, justice, the American way, kindness, immigrants and cool summer action movies. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Our super racist president is now going after the president of George Mason University. When you see his picture you’ll see why. And a largely white press corps pretends they can’t see what’s happening. More: ProPublica
Pro tip: Adam graduated from GMU!

Note 18: Welp, Liddle Marco is almost done destroying the State Department. Let’s hope his bitch ass is one of the people he is firing. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Gallup and new polling that shows the American people really don’t like what Trump is doing on immigration. We’re gonna try not to dwell on the fact that we all warned this would happen and instead focus on the idea that maybe America’s soul isn’t totally dead.

Note 20: And on that hopeful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend and that you’re able to find some joy in this shithouse era. Unless you’re John Fetterman. We hope his weekend sucks as much as he does. Love y’all!

Note 21: Here’s a bonus happy ending — Paul Simon on Sesame Street singing Me and Julio. More: Sesame Street: Paul Simon Sings Me & Julio - YouTube

Texas-sized asshole
Trump is heading to Texas today to inspect just how badly he fucked up the rescue efforts there after a massive flood killed more than 100 people. Trying like hell to kill the scandal, Trump called pathetic pretend reporter Kristen Welker to tell her that Kristi Noem is doing a great job even though Noem dropped the ball and didn’t have FEMA search and rescue on the ground for 72 hours. Why does he think she did a good job? Because she was one of the first people he saw on TV. We’re not joking. He actually said that. Our hope is that Texans spit in his orange fucking face today, but we saw how the elections went after Uvalde so we’re not holding our breath. We continue to send love to Kerrville. We’re sorry they have to deal with this asshole during their time of grief. More: HuffPost

Skateboarding is not a crime
That was a bumper sticker from our youth when the dickhead adults tried to outlaw our good times. Well those same dickheads are back, and they’re in charge of the Department of Homeland Security. Wired is reporting that DHS is telling local cops to treat skateboarding and live-streaming as “violent tactics” at protests. This is the scary shit. They’re inventing crimes so they have excuses to arrest innocent people who are pushing back against their fascism. We are both way too old to get back on a skateboard, but we’re seriously thinking about breaking a hip for freedom. More: Wired

Thank you, ma’am
While a corrupt and broken Supreme Court has turned its back on America and the constitution, one woman has been sounding the alarm and calling them out at every turn. Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson is not afraid of bullshit talk about norms and collegiality. She is doing her job and telling the American people, through her dissents, that this country is in real trouble. For her efforts, she got a New York Times story about how she’s ruffling feathers. Now the justice is just straight up telling us that she is losing sleep over “the state of our democracy.” We are too, ma’am. Thank you for using your voice. More: Axios

Today’s clips
After a week of severe storms that triggered devastating floods in the South and soaked the East Coast, more rain is on the way with a renewed flood threat for the still-reeling Texas and New Mexico. More: NBC News

Babies receiving critical care in Gaza risk becoming much sicker or even dying in the coming days as the enclave runs out of fuel and hospitals are forced to turn off incubators, doctors warn. More: NBC News

A confrontation erupted Thursday between protesters and federal officials carrying out a raid on a Southern California farm, with authorities throwing canisters that sprayed what looked like smoke into the air to disperse the crowd. More: HuffPost

The White House tried to give President Donald Trump a Superman makeover on Thursday, as the latest incarnation of the hero hit movie theaters. More: HuffPost

Former Republican congressman Joe Walsh argued on Thursday that the Democratic Party “should be big enough” for both himself and New York City Democratic mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani. More: Mediaite

The latest from Adam