Eat Crow

It’s Wednesday. There are 265 days until the midterm elections. Nutlick’s bad day, FAA causes a morning panic and Mike Johnson sucks (at his job).

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it has never messed with El Paso’s airspace.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We have much to discuss and cuss today, including that bullshit jobs report that we totally don’t believe. But before we do, we’d like to take a moment to shower one of our Democratic reps with some praise. And just praise. This ain’t one of Trump’s Russia tapes.

The miserable bucket of festering shitwater who calls himself our president tried to lock up six elected Democrats, all of whom served this country in uniform. But because he and his drunken lawyer lady are so goddamn dumb and incompetent, they couldn’t get the indictments. God bless the grand juries who continue to see through this stupid shit. And while we were sitting here fuming over this fuckery, we saw a Democrat who felt our fury. And he called out “the fuckers.” Swoon!

Hell fucking goddamn yeah! Now y’all know we love our dirty words. And we REALLY love when they are deployed gracefully by the people in politics who are fighting back against Trump and his dumbshit fascism. But it doesn’t always work. A lot of politicians these days think if they cuss then we won’t notice how much they suck. We call it the Schumer. Every time that dude cusses it just feels like watching your parents have sex. Or our parents. Whatever. You know what we mean.

So thank you to Jason Crow for not taking this shit. Stay angry, and keep taking the fight to those sonsofbitches. Y’all have a blessed day. More: NBC News

Note two: Who needs some therapy? Yeah, us too. How about today at 4:30 p.m. ET/1:30 p.m. PT? Cool. We’ll see your sexy ass then.

Note three: The January jobs report is finally out, and we ain’t buying it. They want us to believe the economy added 130,000 jobs last month. Sure, Jan. More: HuffPost, CNBC

Note four: That video of the kidnapper at Savannah Guthrie’s mom’s house is fucking horrifying. So is the revelation that your Ring cameras are recording whether you want them to or not. More: NBC News

Note five: We’re not great at math, but we don’t think this is close.

Note six: Brainworm felcher’s FDA refused to review Moderna’s new flu vaccine. So yeah, the anti-vaxxers are going to get people killed just like we all warned. More: CNBC

Note seven: We haven’t always been the biggest Ro Khanna fans, but man we want to stand up and cheer the way he has fought for the release of the Epstein files. Dude went on the House floor yesterday and started reading the names of the scumbags. Fuck yeah! More: CBS News

Note eight: One of those scumbags, Les Wexner, sure spent a lot of money on Ohio Republicans. Are they going to give it back? Or do they like having pedo money? More: NOTUS

Note nine: We finally know who was behind the Fulton County raid, and it turns out it’s another election-denying dumbfuck. Huge surprise, right? More: HuffPost

Note 10: If you’re the person who yelled “Fuck you, fascist” at Jesse Watters, thank you.

Note 11: We were not familiar with Charley Crockett’s game, but he sure sounds like a real country music star. If you’re a fan, send us some of your favorite songs of his. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Bill Maher is an absolute piece of shit. Just a whiny spoiled bitch who doesn’t understand why everyone hates him. We’re with Kimmel on this one. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 13: Dude thinks he’s popular. But he also thinks he’s smart and attractive. So yeah, he’s fucking crazy.

Note 14: Alex Pretti’s parents spoke to the New York Times, and man it wrecked us. He was a good dude who wanted to help people and the U.S. government murdered him. More: 9News

Note 15: Jamie Raskin said that Trump is in the Epstein files “more than a million times.” MORE THAN A MILLION TIMES!!! More: Axios

Note 16: Trump is meeting with his boss Bibi today to figure out where we’re going to war next. So that’s fun. More: Associated Press

Note 17: House Democrats read the head of ICE for filth yesterday, and we were loving every goddamn second of it.

And this one too…

Note 18: In addition to being a child rapist and Donald Trump’s best friend, Jeffrey Epstein was also a huge racist. This further proves our point that all racists are shit-eating scumbags. More: Mother Jones

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we couldn’t decide. So there are two. The first is of a brave American curler speaking out for his home state of Minnesota at the Olympics. And the second just made us laugh our asses off…

And…

Note 20: And on those brave and hilarious notes, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there amid all the stupid. We also hope Jason Crow cusses at Trump some more today. Because that motherfucker sure has it coming. Love y’all!

Fire Nutlick
Commerce Secretary Howard Nutlick had a very bad day yesterday. When he wasn’t admitting he doesn’t know how to do his job, Nutlick was answering questions about his trip to Epstein Island and how he lied about his relationship with Epstein. He also really freaked us out by admitting he took his children and their nannines, plural, to the island. Dude has lied over and over about this shit and it’s fucking gross he still has a job. Hell, even cowardly Republican senators think so. Nutlick is lucky his boss was Epstein’s best friend. Otherwise he might actually be facing some consequences. More: The Hill, Semafor

FAAFo
It wouldn’t be a complete morning in Trump’s America without a little panic over air travel. This morning the FAA announced out of nowhere that the El Paso airport and its airspace were closing for the next 10 days. After everyone freaked the fuck out, they then announced the closure had ended. We’re already seeing conflicting reports about Mexican cartel drones and miscommunication between agencies. One Republican went on Fox News to warn that this might be the next Pearl Harbor. We’re gonna say it again, but we think it was a mistake to put absolute fucking morons in charge of important shit. More: CNBC

Little Johnson flops
This one is fun. Last night, House Republicans tried like hell to pass a rule that would prevent Democrats from forcing votes on measures that express disapproval of Trump’s bullshit. They held the vote open for a very long time, and it still failed after three Republicans joined all Democrats (well done, Jeffries) to defeat it. That means starting today the House is going to start voting on shit like tariffs on Canada and things are about to get very fucking uncomfortable for endangered House Republicans. Thank you to all Democrats for showing up and making this happen. And thank you to Thomas Massie for continuing to shock the shit out of us by doing the right thing. More: Politico

Today’s clips
An annual meeting of the nation’s governors that has long served as a rare bipartisan gathering is unraveling after President Donald Trump excluded Democratic governors from White House events. More: NPR

Vice President JD Vance chastised athletes who have expressed political views at the Winter Olympics, and urged them to stick to sports. More: HuffPost

America’s Winter Olympics delegation again found itself pulled into the country’s culture wars on Tuesday after President Donald Trump labelled freestyle skier Hunter Hess a “real loser,” prompting teammates to rally around him and defend the freedom of expression they say defines the nation. More: HuffPost

A former deputy to ex-special counsel Jack Smith, J.P. Cooney, announced Wednesday morning that he is launching a congressional bid in Virginia. More: NBC News

Support for President Donald Trump’s immigration agenda is in free fall in early 2026 after federal immigration agents shot and killed two Americans last month, according to the new NBC News Decision Desk Poll powered by SurveyMonkey. More: NBC News

A federal prosecutor who quit amid concerns over how the Trump administration was handling the investigation into Renee Nicole Good’s killing is now representing journalist Don Lemon. More: NBC News

Ukrainian skeleton athlete Vladyslav Heraskevych trained again in his banned helmet Wednesday, one day before the start of his race at the Milan Cortina Games and with the International Olympic Committee urging him to make his point differently. More: Associated Press