Dumper Numbers

It’s Tuesday. There are 77 days until the midterm elections. Mickey Mouse takes on the FCC, the president commits voter fraud and Jon Ossoff touches a nerve.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it would use a shitload of it if Trump ever told it to be quiet.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we must be near election season because everyone is freaking the fuck out. Including us. We know a lot of you are worried about fissures in the Democratic Party and what that means for November. We know even more of you are worried that the Jan. 6 asshole won’t let us actually have free and fair elections. We get it. There’s a lot to worry about. So we figured it was time for us all to take a deep breath and remember something very important…

America fucking hates Donald Trump.

Yowzer. No wonder his diaper is always full. He’s now less popular than the Lettuce Shittin’ Disease that he failed to stop. Seriously. Americans are like yo this salad just made me poop myself so bad that I ruined my pants and one of my shoes but at least it didn’t start a stupid fucking war in Iran that killed a bunch of little girls and drove gas prices up. In fact, a poll we did on our own revealed that 67 percent of Americans just crapped themselves and want Trump to release the Epstein files.

Our point is this — we have the wind at our backs. We are going to do the work, we are going to tell the truth and we are going to win. We are going to beat Trump and his freaks. Again. And then slowly, but surely, we are going to restore some common decency and some common goddamn sense to this country. And if not, we’ll just all shit ourselves to death. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Pete Hegseth traveled to Iowa in his “personal capacity.” WHAT?! This dumb drunk motherfucker is losing soldiers and losing a war and he’s launching his goddamn presidential campaign? Do we even have a fucking press corps anymore? More: Washington Post

Note three: Trump yelled at a CNN reporter yesterday. Then the White House attacked her and her children. And once again the press just took it. Sigh. More: The Independent

Note four: Trump also honored that teenager lifeguard yesterday, admitting that he is a selfish coward in the process. More: The Guardian

Note five: Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz. They have attacked ships every day for like two weeks. Nothing is getting through there. So of course the shit-for-brains moron who calls himself our president is posting shit like this…

Note six: While we’re hating on the press, we’d like to point out again that not one of them has asked about E. Jean Carroll. Maybe we’re old fashioned, but we think it’s newsworthy that the president of the United States had to pay $6 million to the woman he sexually abused and defamed.

Note seven: We think it is really, really funny that Abdul El-Sayed keeps bringing up Trump’s hygiene. Or lack thereof. More: HuffPost

Note eight: It’s an Election Day! If people are voting near you — looking at you, Florida and Alaska — then please join them and vote for good people over assholes. Thank you for your attention to this matter. More: AP

Note nine: Welp, the guy who cuts of raccoon dicks has successfully fucked up vaccination rates. Are we great again or what? More: HuffPost

Note 10: LOL. We’re disloyal Americans because we don’t support Trump’s stupid ballroom. Try to imagine Obama saying this. Then try to imagine the press outcry if he did. Fuck that ballroom.

Note 11: The Lakers are a mess. We’re not saying this is all happening because Jeanie Buss endorsed Spencer Pratt. But we’re not not saying it either. More: NBC News

Note 12: Can you imagine the outcry if a Democratic administration spied on churches? Well, Trump’s DHS did exactly that in Minnesota and you haven’t heard dick about it. More: Talking Points Memo

Note 13: This is a great ad from James Talarico. Also, what the fuck is wrong with Republicans?

Note 14: Wouldn’t it be awesome if a California jury destroyed Meta? More: AP

Note 15: Madonna got the most MTV VMA nominations. Can someone tell us what year it is because we might be concussed… More: AP

Note 16: Maybe it’s petty, but we like when Trump voters get screwed by Trump. After all, we did try to warn them. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Seriously. How is this not a massive fucking scandal?! Our sailors are attempting suicide!

Note 18: It is objectively hilarious that Stephen A. Smith was called out for disrespecting Black women and he went on Hannity to fight back. What a fucking hack. More: News Nation

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, just take a look at who is guest-hosting Kimmel…

Note 20: And on that delicious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a good start and your approval rating is higher than Trump’s. But we know it is because you’re awesome. Love y’all!

Mad Mouse

Well it took longer than it should have, but Mickey Mouse is firing back. Disney is suing the FCC over its authoritarian tactics. Brendan Carr has spent the last two years threatening and shaking down ABC, and apparently they’ve had enough. The FCC has clearly been attacking and abusing ABC’s First Amendment rights because Jimmy Kimmel and the ladies of The View made the president cry and pee himself. It’s about fucking time we saw some of these big corporations fight back instead of just rolling over.

More: NBC News

Lock Him Up!

Donald Trump has said over and over again that voting by mail is fraudulent. So according to him, he committed voter fraud yesterday when he voted by mail in the Florida primaries. We honestly don’t know why this isn’t a bigger deal to the press when this asshole spends like 70 percent of his time attacking this particular method of voting. Maybe they’ve just given up.

More: Politico

LOLOL!!!

Republicans are VERY mad at Jon Ossoff. The day after the Georgia senator merely mentioned that Trump would rather “travel around with Natalie,” the party of Grab ‘Em By the Pussy is furious that Ossoff would suggest that Trump is having an affair with his weird aide who wrote him love letters. It’s pretty hilarious watching people like Newt Gingrich and Scott Jennings try to claim the high road here. That’s why we were so happy to see Ossoff on MSNow last night saying he doesn’t give a fuck about their crocodile tears. This very clearly struck a nerve with Republicans, and we love when that happens.

More: bsky.app

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Trump administration said Monday it is temporarily pausing construction of a contentious border construction project in Texas’ Big Bend National Park while the head of the agency tasked with building the wall visits to do an “on-the-ground evaluation.” More: AP

A judge on Monday ordered the release of a Kentucky woman who was accused of vandalism at the World War II Memorial in Washington last week, court records showed. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The U.S. and Canada are negotiating in an effort to reach a truce on tariffs before a 12:01 a.m. Wednesday deadline set by U.S. President Donald Trump. More: AP

During a field hearing in Maine on Monday, Rep. Chellie Pingree (D-Maine) pressed for answers regarding the fatal shooting of 25-year-old Johan Sebastián Durán Guerrero by an Immigration and Customs Enforcement officer this past July. More: HuffPost

White House communications director Steven Cheung doesn’t appear to have appreciated the recent digs made about President Donald Trump by Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-Ga.). More: HuffPost