Dumb Quixote

It’s Tuesday. There are 224 days until the midterm elections. SCOTUS gets ready to screw us, the coup guy votes by mail and an idiot defeats some windmills.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it didn’t vote to confirm Markwayne.

Note: Oh Sexy Patriots, we’ve got a good one today. And no, he didn’t die. We didn’t want you to get your hopes up too high. But we do have some really exciting shit going on here today. We were gonna talk about Trump sending his thugs to airports or the illegal war he started or the shitty economy. But then we saw this, and we figured if the fucking president can’t focus on important shit then why should we?

Sigh. If he took off his pants and only wore his presidential diaper in public, it would somehow be less embarrassing than what he’s doing now. But that’s not why we’re excited today. No, we’re excited because we scored one of our biggest fake interviews yet. Sexy Patriots, please give a warm AltMedia welcome to Elvis Presley…

Us: Elvis! How the hell are you?!

Elvis: Hey man! Love the newsletter, boys. Scratches me where I itch. I need a hunka hunka burnin’ cussing newsletter.

Us: Thanks, Elvis. So you’ve been dead for almost 50 years now. Do you think you could beat Trump in a fight?

Elvis: Yeah, man. No problem. I died on a fucking toilet in the seventies and I still look better than him. And he’s never actually been in a fight because he’s a wuss. And what the fuck is he doing in my house when he should be at work? We’re never gonna get that damn smell out.

Us: Yeah, we think you’d win too. That said, we heard you were a real creeper with girls too.

Elvis: Sorry, fellas. I gotta go. I’m appearing as a maple syrup outline on a waffle in Tallahassee.

Hmmmmm. Something about that felt weird. But he was right about Trump being a wuss. Why is he talking about fighting? He couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag that was traveling on Epstein’s jet. Thank you. Thank you very much. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s looking like Democrats are getting closer to a deal to end the shutdown, and we really have to give them credit for holding the line. No money for ICE! More: HuffPost

Note three: Just a reminder that the U.S. killed a bunch of little girls and the White House press just stopped asking about it. Thank goodness for those brave watchdogs. More: NBC News

Note four: Hey we just want to tell Sen. Martin Heinrich to fuck off and eat shit and kiss our hot asses. He voted to confirm Markwayne yesterday because they’re “friends.” We’re so glad Martin has a friend because that’s what’s really important here. Fucking asshole. More: Senate.gov

Note five: Here’s the violent creep Heinrich is friends with. Any real Democrats in New Mexcio feeling like a primary challenge? And also WHAT THE EFFING FUCK IS THIS?!

Note six: There was a refinery explosion in Texas. So yeah, we’re all gonna be walking to work soon. More: HuffPost

Note seven: ICE did a fantastic job of standing around crowded airports and scratching their nazi asses yesterday. It’s almost like this was a stupid plan that didn’t help anything or anyone at all. More: CNN

Note eight: The Pentagon lost to the New York Times so Pete Hegseth is taking his ball and going home. What a fucking baby. More: NBC News

Note nine: Hey it’s Election Day somewhere! If people are voting near you, join them and vote for good people instead of assholes. We’re looking in your direction, Florida. More: CNN, Bolts Mag

Note 10: Does this dirty Stormy-sexing motherfucker think he’s a model husband?

Note 11: We had missed this hilarious story from last week. Someone leaked to the Atlantic that Bill Maher’s bitch ass was gonna win the Mark Twain Prize and then minutes later the White House said hell no. Keep licking orange taint, Bill! More: The Atlantic

Note 12: Charlie Kirk’s mentor was killed in a pickleball accident. We’re not making a joke here. Frankly we wouldn’t even know how. More: Complex

Note 13: Remember when we told you that Nude Africa Black Nazi guy in North Carolina had some big news coming? Well it turns out he’s a porn addict who wanted to protect Trump. Cool. We figured it would be something normal and not at all gross. More: The Guardian

Note 14: Hey so thanks to everyone who sent thoughts about Lola. We think it’s a great song, and we appreciate that y’all do too. It stays in the mix!

Note 15: Only in America!

Note 16: Well at least something good happened yesterday. The Justice System ain’t done with Bill Cosby. More: NBC News

Note 17: Our March Madness brackets are in the shitter, so bring on Opening Day! More: NBC Sports

Note 18: America is burning up right now. And not just with rage and humiliation. Y’all stay cool out there. More: Associated Press

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re thinking of ways to beat the heat and the fascism blues. We figured this cute video might help with both…

Note 20: And on that adorable note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and not touring fucking Graceland after starting a stupid goddamn war. When we say No Kings, we include Elvis. Love y’all!

Not good
The Supreme Court made two things clear yesterday — 1. They’re probably going to fuck Americans when it comes to counting ballots that arrive after Election Day. And 2. Sam Alito is basically the goddamn QAnon Shaman in fucking robes. Yeah, we’re gonna be dealing with unprecedented hijinx and bullshit to keep us from voting this year. Guess what. It ain’t gonna work. They ain’t gonna stop us. So fuck Sam Alito. More: Associated Press, HuffPost

Lock him up!
Our idiot president says that voting by mail should be called fraud by mail. That might explain why he loves it so much. Yeah, the fucking asshole who is trying to stop the rest of us from voting by mail did just that yesterday. Trump voted by mail in the special election down in Mar-a-Lago. Our understanding is this makes him crooked and he should go to jail. But also he’s always at Mar-a-Lago. He couldn’t just waddle over there and vote in person? More: NBC News

Dumb Quixote
The dumbest president in the history of presidents notched a victory in his stupid war against windmills, and we get the honor of paying for it. Yeah, at a time when Americans (and the planet) are desperate for more affordable and renewable energy sources, Trump is using tax dollars to pay a French company $1 billion to not build windmills off the East Coast and instead invest in fossil fuels. So it’s like Solyndra, but it’s an actual scandal and just really, really fucking stupid. The president of the United States is an unstoppable moron machine, and the press should really start acting like it. More: Associated Press

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON (AP) — Americans’ outlook on the job market has turned increasingly pessimistic, a surprisingly negative shift given the low unemployment rate but one that likely reflects an ongoing hiring drought. More: Associated Press

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) — Oklahoma’s governor on Tuesday appointed energy executive Alan Armstrong to serve in the U.S. Senate through the end of the year and finish the term of Republican Markwayne Mullin, the new homeland security secretary. More: Associated Press

SEOUL, South Korea — North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has pledged to irreversibly cement his country’s status as a nuclear power while maintaining a hard-line stance toward South Korea, which he called the “most hostile” state, state media said Tuesday. More: NBC News

Traders on Monday placed bets worth about $580 million in the oil market approximately 15 minutes before President Donald Trump’s Truth Social post about Iran talks that sent crude prices tumbling, according to a report by the Financial Times. More: Investing.com

President Donald Trump had his famous catchphrase flipped back at him by an Iranian military official who rejected claims the nation was in talks to end the war started by the U.S. and Israel. More: HuffPost

As the war in Iran presses on, U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio is due to appear in the federal courthouse in Miami, Florida, on Tuesday to testify in the criminal trial of his onetime roommate former Rep. David Rivera (R), who is accused of secretly lobbying for Venezuela’s government during the first Trump administration. More: HuffPost