Dumb and Dumber

It’s Thursday. There are 75 days until the general election. The Trump-Brain Worm Guy alliances, Walz rocks the house and ready for our MVP.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We’re guessing Republicans who are watching us have this much fun are using a lot more of it.

PRE-NOTE: We know y’all love our fake interviews, and we do too. But today we actually have a real interview with Democratic House leader and all-around badass Rep. Hakeem Jeffries. Please check us out later today for the full interview!

Note: Sexy Patriots! Are we having fun?! You’re damn right we are! This week has been a freaking blast and we know y’all are enjoying being a Democrat or just being on the right side of history like we are. That’s why the Secret Service had to go to work yesterday building a new way to protect Trump. Want to see an asshole in a box? You can see him here looking crazy as all hell and surrounded by glass just like his buddy Hannibal Lecter…

Well that’s a good look. We’re not laughing at him. We’re laughing around him. But yeah, it was actually designed to protect Trump from all the joy we’re taking in mocking and defeating him. We hear some agents added in smell-proofing to keep the farts on the inside, creating the first Trump Dutch Oven. Seriously, can you imagine the odor in that thing? Yikes. They must use anti-fogger on the glass to keep it from turning orange too. Now let’s either figure out a way to make that shit sound-proof or get him a bigger one in one of our federal penitentiaries.

Enjoy your glass box of emotions, Orangey. The rest of us are partying over here. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Our party has Stevie Wonder and they have Kid Rock. How is this a competition? More: Rolling Stone

Note three: This is now a Gus Walz appreciation newsletter and we will tolerate no criticism of that awesome young man. He must have an awesome dad. More: AP News

Note four: There were SO many great speakers in Chicago last night. Aquilino Gonell, Dana Nessel, Geoff Duncan, Amanda Gorman, Kenan Thompson, Olivia Julianna, Olivia Troye! And this isn’t even a comprehensive list!

Note five: And in case anyone was wondering, President Bill Clinton still has a helluva fastball. That thing he said about Democrats creating 50 million jobs and Republicans creating 1 million jobs is true! More: CNN

Note six: There is nothing left of Jiggly Donkeynipples (JD) Vance. Oprah vaporized him.

Note seven: If we’ve learned anything this week, it’s that there are a lot of really good people in the Democratic Party. But honestly, Andy Kim might be the best person in the world. We freaking love that guy.

Note eight: Speaker Pelosi was just wonderful last night. But that’s been true for a very long time. More: AP News

Note nine: We thought Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro was great right now. But some Florida dickhead who has dinner with Holocaust deniers thought “the highly overrated Jewish Governor” of Pennsylvania disagreed. Oh well. More: Yahoo

Note 10: Trump keeps saying he’s planning to cheat to win this election. We should probably listen to him.

Note 11: A new University of Houston poll has Trump up five and Ted Cruz up two in Texas. Something big is happening, y’all. More: Houston Chronicle

Note 12: This is some truly fucked up shit, and we hope the Harris campaign talks about it. Trump commuted the sentence of a drug-dealing loan shark who was just arrested for assaulting his wife and his 75-year-old father-in-law. More: CNBC

Note 13: Speaking of truly fucked up shit, the state of Texas is going after Crystal Mason again. If she was white and lived in the Villages, she wouldn’t have spent a single night in jail. More: The Guardian

Note 14: Tonight’s program at the DNC will include victims of gun violence. Because our MVP cares about keeping Americans safe. More: NBC

Note 15: We have no political advice for Jerkoff Dominoes (JD) Vance. Just keep being your super weird and off-putting self, champ!

Note 16: Mayor Pete absolutely cracked us up last night when he said “at least Mike Pence was polite.” More: HuffPost

Note 17: The former lawyer for the Oath Keepers had a bad day yesterday. And that means it was a good day for America. Don’t do treason, kids. More: CNN

Note 18: Trump just got done soaking his fans with his bullshit social media company and now he wants to take what they have left with a crypto scam. We want to feel sorry for them, but they keep giving that asshole their money. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you a 12-year-old absolutely destroying the MyPillow dipshit. Git his dumb ass, Knowa.

Note 20: And on that hilarious yet disturbing note, let’s go do some news! What are you doing for the big speech tonight? Let us know in the comments. Adam is in Chicago and Sam has been on the couch with strep, but we’re all partying tonight! Love y’all!

Dumb and Dumber

Imagine the two worst people you know getting together and becoming friends. Well you don’t have to imagine it anymore because RFK Jr. is planning to drop out of the race and endorse Trump tomorrow. We think this is awesome. We want everyone to know how weird and destructive Trump is and this really adds to our case. He wants to make the Brain Worm dumfuck the secretary of Health and Human Services?! Ok let’s talk about that with voters. Trump is a desperate, desperate man, and we predict this dumb gross stunt will backfire.

More: ABC News

It’s about damn Tim

We’re still pumped up. Sam ran through a wall last night, and Adam is wearing black under his eyes. Coach Tim Walz was exactly the right pick for this ticket, and that man brought the damn house down last night. He was perfect. His attacks on Trump/Vance hit exactly the right notes. His promotion of MVP was spot-on and passionate. And his tales of life as a Real American who actually loves and cares about other Real Americans was like something out of a fucking Hollywood movie. They say that Democrats fall in love and Republicans fall in line. Well maybe Republicans would fall in love if they had candidates like Tim Walz and Kamala Harris. Or at least maybe they wouldn’t be such assholes. Great job, Coach!

More: Time

MVP

Tonight’s the big one. Tonight our champion, our candidate, our nominee will take the stage and talk to the American people. Speeches really don’t get any bigger than this one, and we know that Vice President Kamala Harris is about to crush it. What we’ve seen from the Vice President and her team over the last month has been nothing less than a political miracle. She consolidated the support of the entire Democratic Party in about four hours on a Sunday afternoon. She raised half a billion dollars in a month. She picked an unknown superstar as a running mate. And she has scared the living shit out of Trump every second since she entered the race. So we can’t wait to see what MVP does tonight. We know y’all will be tuning in.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Donald Trump Jr., the former president's eldest son; Tucker Carlson, the influential right-wing commentator, who spoke at Trump's convention; and Omeed Malik, a business executive and donor who has contributed to both Trump’s and Kennedy’s campaigns this election cycle, have been working behind the scenes to persuade Kennedy to end his independent bid for the White House and endorse Trump, according to two sources familiar with the efforts. More: NBC

In coming days, the high court is expected to tackle short-fuse challenges to President Joe Biden’s latest effort to reduce student debt and to cut planet-warming pollution by limiting power plant emissions. And the court must decide whether Arizona, a presidential battleground, may require thousands of people to prove their US citizenship before voting this year. Also pending is a fight over Biden’s requirement that family planning clinics that receive federal public health funding provide referrals for abortions for patients who request it. More: CNN

The parents of a 23-year-old American taken hostage by Hamas during the Oct. 7 attack on Israel gave a moving speech Wednesday at the Democratic National Convention, pleading for the release of the dozens of people who continue to be held captive in Gaza. More: AP