Draft Deuce Bigalow!

It’s Monday. There are 218 days until the midterm elections. Little Johnson’s big TSA lines, the Pope ain’t staying quiet and Trump threatens more war crimes while the NYT carries his water.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it ain’t a Duke fan.

Note: Sexy Patriots! What a fucking weekend! Well, it was for some of us. Adam was out protesting with Ally and the kids while Sam was in bed sick as a dog and missing out on all the fun. But the one thing both of us realized for the billionth time this weekend is how goddamn proud we are to be in this fight with all of you.

Yeah, everything sucks sweaty hog rectum at the moment, and the end of the world may be nigh. But if we’re going out, we’re damn fucking proud to be going out fighting like hell with you Sexy Patriots. And we don’t take kindly to anyone — from either party — who thinks they can score points with the beltway d-bags by trashing us. So consider this a warning to anyone who wants to run in 2028 — Don’t shit on our party and then try to lead it.

We’re done with that weak crap. We’re damn proud of the way we’ve resisted. We’re damn proud of what we stand for. We’re damn proud of what we stand against. If you want to win over Bill Maher or the assholes at Politico or Turd Way, cool. Go for it. But don’t come asking us for money or votes after you do. The Democratic base has been the only fucking thing keeping this deranged country from slipping into the abyss, and all we get for our efforts is endlessly shat on by people who treat us all like some kind of annoyance. We’re not children who need Rahm fucking Emanuel or Elissa Slotkin to get us in line.

This party is desperate for some goddamn leadership that doesn’t start by taking a big dump on itself. We don’t need leaders who insult us like Trump does. There were 9 million beautiful patriots out in the streets this weekend because they love this country. They deserve leaders who love them back. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Y’all really did look beautiful this weekend. We’re so proud of you. And we’re going to win. More: USA Today

Note three: Hey, um, so why the effing fuck does Lindsey Graham’s creepy ass vacation at Disney World? More: TMZ

Note four: Rob Schneider, better known as the “making copies guy” from SNL, wants to bring back the military draft. Of course he didn’t serve because he was too busy living off of Adam Sandler’s talent. Fuck off, Deuce Bigalow. More: HuffPost

Note five: And here are some more sorta, kinda celebrities who can now go fuck themselves and then eat shit — Chilli from TLC, Josh Duhamel, and Nick Cannon

Note six: Our side has Springsteen. Their side has Kid Rock. In a lot of ways, we’ve already won.

Note seven: Spain has closed its airspace to U.S. planes. Good for Spain. Guess Liddle Marco’s trip to the G7 last week didn’t go so great. More: AP News

Note eight: We are uncool so we weren’t familiar with the comedian who goes by Druski. We are now. And holy shit that is some edgy comedy. More: HuffPost

Note nine: How bad are things for Republicans? The number of them retiring rather than run again is now at a record. It’s a shame they don’t want to leave with any dignity. More: ABC

Note 10: Charles Barkley is basically a Republican and even he is saying this. On CBS, no less.

Note 11: Kash Patel is digging up old files to drop on Eric Swalwell. It sure seems like Kash is about to make Swalwell the next governor of California. More: The Hill

Note 12: We wish that both Duke and UCONN could have somehow lost yesterday, but since one team had to win, we’re grateful for some wild and wonderful March Madness. More: Yahoo Sports

Note 13: It is fucking wild how much this idiot talks about his goddamn ballroom. Is there seriuosly not one White House reporter with the guts to ask him why his priorities are so fucked? More: Mediaite

Note 14: We weren’t gonna link to this for a couple of reasons. But the writing and the premise are so bad, we figured y’all might enjoy the laughs. And FWIW, we think the biggest difference between Politico and Democratic primary voters is that Democratic primary voters will care a great deal about Laquan McDonald. More: Politico

Note 15: This is from Friday. So this is what this asshole is doing while our troops are ducking from drones. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE?!

Note 16: And yes, our troops are getting hit while fuckhead plays golf and talks sex and ballrooms. More: PBS

Note 17: This week the Supreme Court is going to hear from some white supremacists about why the 14th Amendment doesn’t actually count. This never should have reached the highest court. What a fucking disgrace. More: HuffPost

Note 18: RIP to actor James Tolkan. That man really proved there are no small roles. And we will forever be telling people that their egos are writing checks their butts can’t cash. More: AP News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, you know where we’re taking you. You looked good this weekend, America. Let’s keep it going.

Note 20: And on that inspiring note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are ready to keep the good resistance vibes flowing because the asshole-in-chief ain’t slowing down. Thanks for showing up this weekend, SPs. We needed it. Love y’all!

Little Johnson’s Big Mess

So last week when we left y’all, it seemed that the shutdown was about to end. The Senate made a deal that passed with unanimous consent, and then they left town. Unfortunately, the House is fucking broken. Right-wingers rejected what the Senate passed, passed some bullshit of their own and then also left town for vacation. So yeah, TSA lines are still an absolute clusterfuck and Republicans are nowhere near a deal to get this shit figured out.

More: The Hill

Leo Roars

March is going out like a lion as Pope Leo calls out Trump’s bloodlust in Iran. Yeah, the Pope is not having this shit. On Palm Sunday, the Pope said that God doesn’t hear the prayers of warmongers. And we know that’s true because we talked to her just the other day. We have to give props to this Pope for continuing to lead on this stuff and not shying away. It’s nice that at least one person talking about peace actually means it.

More: The Independent

War-criminal-in-chief

It was honestly beautiful timing. The New York Times had just put out a post about how Trump wants to end the war through diplomacy. And then 26 minutes later, Trump put out a Truth Social post threatening war crimes against Iran if a deal isn’t made soon. This is the same New York Times that buried the No Kings protests once again, so we’re not really surprised by this anymore. But the fact remains that there are 50,000 U.S. military personnel in the Middle East and nobody — including the president — seem to have any fucking idea what comes next or why.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

President Donald Trump said Sunday that he would like to “take the oil in Iran” and is considering seizing the export hub of Kharg Island, which is responsible for more than 90% of Iran’s oil exports. More: NBC

The ongoing funding lapse at the Department of Homeland Security crossed into new territory Sunday when it became the longest partial government shutdown in U.S. history. More: NBC

A man died earlier this month while being held by Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the Department of Homeland Security announced Monday. More: HuffPost

TEL AVIV, Israel (AP) — Israeli police prevented Catholic leaders from entering the Church of the Holy Sepulchre to celebrate a private Mass on the Christian holiday of Palm Sunday for the first time in centuries, setting off a wave of criticism from the United States and others. More: AP News

Rep. Anna Paulina Luna (R-Fla.) hosted a delegation of sanctioned Russian officials in Washington, D.C., Thursday, drawing mixed reactions from GOP colleagues and condemnation from Ukraine advocacy groups and the Russian opposition in exile. More: The Hill

AMHERST, Mass. (WWLP) – An Amherst man who was previously pardoned by President Trump for his role in the Jan. 6 Capitol riot was sentenced to prison for possession of child pornography. More: WWLP