Dr. Phil did what??

It’s Monday. There are 645 days until the midterm elections. Trump folds to Colombia, even Republicans admit he’s breaking the law and a new war on the military from some real scumbags.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least you don’t have to worry about it starting shit with Colombia.

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you today? Don’t answer that. We already know. Yeah, somewhere this weekend between Elon Leon going full nazi and Trump calling for ethnic cleansing in Gaza, we really started to miss Joe Biden’s quiet beach weekends when we didn’t have to worry about America becoming pure fucking evil. But evil we are becoming, and we are doing it as only Americans could…

Oh what the effing fuck? How gross is this damn country?! It’s like we hit rock bottom of scuminess and then someone remembered to add a reality TV component. Were the Kardashians not available? Is Dr. Oz too busy sucking somewhere else? At what point do we disown Oprah for introducing us to these assholes? And how is it possible that we fucking miss Omarosa already?

If you’re of a certain age, you might remember when a KKK asshole hit Geraldo with a chair on his show. It was hilarious. Geraldo even had to wear a bandage on his nose for a while. So yeah, let’s get these poor immigrants some chairs. And then let’s make sure Dr. Phil knows what an inhuman piece of shit he really is. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Alleged rapist and fall-down drunk Pete Hegseth is the new Secretary of Defense. So get ready for the U.S. military to do some really awful shit. More: MSNBC

Note three: If you were surprised to see Mitch McConnell vote against Hegseth, don’t be. After years of public humiliation, Mitch clearly thinks he can save his legacy by being a new Susan Collins. If that seems really pathetic, that’s only because it is. More: The Hill

Note four: If you want your heart broken this morning, then read this story about how Senate Democrats are weak and afraid and unsure of how to fight back against American Hitler. Try not to throw your phone or computer across the room after you read it. More: Semafor

Note five: Ok now you can throw your phone or computer across the room. And John Fettermanchin can suck pig nuts… (Update: Fettermanchin signed on late this morning. He still sucks.)

Note six: So we’re all rooting for Philly in the Super Bowl, right? We love us some Taylor Swift, but them Chiefs are just too damn Trumpy. And besides, we really just want to see Kendrick finish off Drake. More: NPR

Note seven: We mentioned this in the opening note, but yeah Elon Leon did go full nazi this weekend. Just days after his double sieg heil salute, Leon addressed the German far right and told them to stop feeling guilty about their past. If it walks like a nazi and salutes like a nazi and kisses nazi ass, then it might be a goddamn nazi. More: NBC

Note eight: Jiggly Dudeboobs (JD) Vance went on Face the Nation yesterday and said he’s now fine with people who assaulted cops being pardoned. Probably something to remember if he ever pulls his little weiner out of the couch and runs for president. More: The Guardian

Note nine: That thing we mentioned about Trump and ethnic cleansing is real. Sucks that so many people convinced themselves Kamala Harris would somehow be worse on this issue. More: NBC

Note 10: The Democratic Party is gonna need more bartenders…

Note 11: It looks like China might have broken Silicon Valley this morning. We would normally never root for China, but the tech bros make it kinda easy. More: HuffPost

Note 12: The whole time Karine Jean-Pierre was battling with shithead White House reporters, she was also taking care of her mom with cancer. Notice how you don’t read stories of humanity and sacrifice from Trump staff? It’s because they’re all scum. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Republicans are still very much in the process of stealing a state Supreme Court seat in North Carolina. More: NPR

Note 14: Bill Gates is talking shit about Elon Leon and we’re here for it. Now maybe Bill can start funding some liberal shit or at least buy a newspaper or two. More: Insider

Note 15: Speaking of weird nazi dipshits, it looks like Americans don’t like our new prime minister all that much…

Note 16: The brain worm asshole has his confirmation hearing this week. Senate Democrats should probably vote against the guy who got a bunch of kids in Samoa killed. More: New Republic

Note 17: There are rumors that Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse is going to vote for Kennedy because they’re friends. If he does, we will be done thinking of him as a Democrat or giving a shit what he has to say about anything. In fact, why the fuck are so many Democrats voting for these assholes? Seven of them voted for Kristi Noem and she murdered a puppy! More: TPM, The Hill

Note 18: Fresh out of prison, Oathkeeper and traitor Stewart Rhodes was invited on stage at a Trump event. Seems like a pretty big fucking deal to us, but we’re not the New York Times. More: USA Today

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we have to show some big love to TBS Director of Creativity and Awesome Shit Kyle Shivers (on Bluesky here), who has created a website to track how much orange assface plays golf. We’re guessing this thing is gonna get a workout! Enjoy! More: TrumpGolfTrack.com

Note 20: And on that weak note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all tuned out the crazy and were able to relax a little bit this weekend. We also hope that Dr. Phil spends the day with painful and crippling diarrhea. Love y’all!

He blinked!

So it was a typical Sunday in Trumpland — Colombia refused to accept a planeload of shackled immigrants Trump sent them, then Trump threatened Colombia, then Colombia threatened Trump, then Colombia agreed to take the immigrants if they were treated with dignity and unshackled and then Trump surrendered and then Trump claimed victory. And all this happened while we were all figuring out exactly how much more expensive coffee was about to get. Trump seems to want war with everyone, and we can’t think of a better way for his stupid ass to become a lame duck. So keep threatening Denmark, asshole!

More: Axios

Another broken law

On Friday night, Trump fired at least a dozen inspectors general across federal agencies, making clear he wants his corruption and politicization of the federal government to go unchecked. Even Lindsey Graham acknowledged yesterday that Trump has broken the law with this move, but of course Lindsey made excuses for it. It’s honestly kind of impressive how many laws Trump broke in his first week. If only we had some separate and co-equal branches of government. Oh well.

More: The Hill

Suckers and losers

We know Trump hates the military, and we know Trump hates minorities and trans people. Today he gets to combine those hatreds as he unveils new policies for the military that would ban all DEI practices and ban all trans soldiers. But he is reinstating every asshole who refused a direct order to get vaccinated from COVID-19. So yeah, get ready for lots more stupidity and lots more cruelty. Because those are the only two things he’s good at.

More: The Guardian

Today’s clips

Rain fell on parts of Southern California on Sunday and the scattered showers were expected to continue overnight, boosting the risk of toxic ash runoff in areas scorched by Los Angeles-area wildfires. More: HuffPost

Federal prosecutors on Friday dropped the case against a Texas doctor who called himself a whistleblower on transgender care for minors and was accused of illegally obtaining private information on patients who weren’t under his care. More: NBC

Vivek Ramaswamy has landed Vice President JD Vance’s top political advisers to guide his soon-to-launch bid for governor in Ohio, a source involved in the planning told NBC News. More: NBC

“It doesn’t do any good for your heart, for your mind, for anything,” said Holocaust survivor Jona Laks, 94, about her return to Nazi Germany’s Auschwitz-Birkenauconcentration camp. “But it’s necessary,” she said. “It’s necessary for the world to know.” Monday marks Holocaust Memorial Day and the 80th anniversary of the liberation of the Auschwitz camp complex, where Laks spent more than a year when she was only about 12 years old. More: CNN