Dope vs. Pope

It’s Monday. There are 204 days until the midterm elections. JD’s rough weekend, Trump effs with the wrong Chicagoan and it’s time to clean House.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And lexapro.

Note: Well, holy freaking crap, Sexy Patriots. Where the hell do we even start? Our dumbshit president picked a fight with the Pope after spending Saturday night at a UFC match, his war with Iran continues to be a total disaster, he seems to think he’s Jesus Christ and creepy scumbag shithead Eric Swalwell dropped out of the California governor’s race. So yeah, pretty chill weekend.

Still, through it all, we knew that we wanted to start today’s newsletter by engaging in one of our favorite pastimes — making fun of our couch-fucking weirdo charmless dipshit vice president. Like the rest of the internet, we used the results of the Hungarian elections to take stock of what a radioactive fuckstain Jello Doodiepop (JD) Vance really is. And so we sat down and we wrote a very long and funny ad for a new cologne called “Loser Butt Stank by JD Vance.” And then we scrapped it. Why?

This is why…

Oh hell yeah. Feel that joy. Feel that release. Feel the fruits of their 16-year battle against fascism. Hungary has shown us the way. Hungary has shown us what is possible. And Hungary has shown us that this is no time for weak-dick defeatist bullshit. We can win. And we’re gonna win.

This weekend we saw what happens when people stand up. Whether it was Ally and the other brave women calling out a creep or millions of Hungarians taking back their country from Putin, we were reminded that nothing is inevitable. We will decide our future. And we want it asshole-free. So let’s fucking go! Y’all have a blessed day. More: CNBC

Note two: As of this morning, our idiot president is starting a blockade of the Strait of Hormuz. Yeah, we don’t get it either. And apparently neither does anyone else. NATO just said no thanks to joining in. More: Reuters, More: NBC News

Note three: Please take a second today to LOL at VP Couchfuck. He went to Hungary to stump for Orban and then he went to Pakistan to get a peace deal. He didn’t do great. More: HuffPost

Note four: This isn’t about politics, but Britney Spears has checked herself into rehab and we’re sending love and support. Good for her for getting help. More: People

Note five: We weren’t kidding about Trump thinking he’s Jesus. How fucked up (and blasphemous) is this?

Note six: Everyone is trying to figure out who the demon is behind Jesus Trump. It’s pretty obvious to us that’s Fred Trump.

Note seven: Congrats to Rory McIlroy on winning back-to-back Masters. We don’t really give a shit anymore, but Rory said no to the Saudis and his win pissed off MAGA losers so congrats, bro. More: ESPN

Note eight: How bad are Trump’s numbers freefalling? Even CBS has his approval rating in the 30s now. He is badly underwater on immigration, the economy and inflation. The only people who still support him are the KKK, half of his family and the White House press. More: CBS News

Note nine: Trump admitted yesterday that gas prices might not go down before the midterms. So yeah, we’re gonna win big time. More: HuffPost

Note 10: The guy who beat Orban is a hottie who likes cats. He probably sucks, but just let us enjoy this for a second.

Note 11: Bill Maher is shocked to discover that he and Trump were wrong about Iran. “I thought it was worth taking a shot.” What kind of rich spoiled rotten bitch ass thinking is that? Maybe Bill should enlist. More: HuffPost

Note 12: The Artemis crew spent the weekend showing us just how awesome they really are. Why can’t they be president? More: NBC News

Note 13: If Melania really wants to help the victims of her friend Epstein, then she should listen to Robert Garcia about how to help. Spoiler alert — she doesn’t really care about helping the victims. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Trump tried to sue the Wall Street Journal over the Epstein birthday drawing story. This morning a judge threw that lawsuit in the trash. More: Mediaite

Note 15: This guy sure works hard for us, don’t he?

Note 16: Trump said yesterday that he wanted to name the Gulf of Mexico after himself. We think Gulf of Rapist Fuckhead Cankles Stank Ass is a pretty terrible name for a gulf. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Speaking of out-of-touch narcissistic moves, Trump unveiled the plans for his Arch. We can’t wait to yank this thing down like a goddamn Saddam statue. More: CNBC

Note 18: Someone shot at Sam Altman’s house again. If that kept happening to us, we might do some self-reflection. More: The Verge

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we sure hope this is real. Because astronaut Christina Koch seeing her dog after going to the Moon is maybe the most amazing thing we’ve ever seen. Who the hell is chopping onions in here?!

Note 20: And on that adorable note that wants to play, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a good weekend. And if not, just remember that you had a better weekend than Eastern European dictators and California congress scumbags. Love y’all!

Sofa; so good
Despite his humiliating loser streak, JD Vance keeps getting treated to MSM stories that tell us he was opposed to the war in Iran. We’ve never heard him say that. Have you? No? Ok so then he wasn’t anti-war. In fact, he’s an epic loser who should be treated as such. JD went to Hungary to save Orban. FAIL. Then he went to Pakistan for a peace deal. FAIL. Now we’re all begging him to hit the campaign trail here in America and do all he can to help Republicans win elections. JD is a loser. The only people who can’t see it are the reporters who cover him. More: Independent

Fuck him up, Leo
Pope Leo told reporters this morning he has “no fear” of Trump and will continue to preach the Gospel and oppose war and oppression. Y’all, we honestly might convert. The Pope’s comments came after Trump spent Sunday night attacking Leo to reporters and on Truth Social. Leo said the name Truth Social is “ironic.” Seriously, we love this guy. Trump appeared to lose his shit after 60 Minutes featured American Cardinals calling out Trump’s evil policies. So the president of the United States accused the Pope of being “WEAK on crime” and said he needs to get his act together. How embarrassing for us all. More: Associated Press

Clean House
So it was a pretty intense weekend for Ally Sammarco and Adam. After Ally and other women came forward to tell the truth about Eric Swalwell being a piece of shit, Swalwell announced Sunday he is suspending his campaign for governor of California. But he’s not getting off that easy. He needs to resign from Congress too. Or he’s probably going to get thrown out. It looks likely that the House will vote this week to expel Swalwell, Rep. Tony Gonzales and maybe Rep. Cory Mills. Good. Toss every last one of these sleazebags into the goddamn gutter where they belong. And thank you to Ally and the other brave women for speaking up. And thank you to all you Sexy Patriots who reached out this weekend to offer support. It meant the world. More: The Guardian, More: The Hill

Today’s clips
NEW YORK (AP) — New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani rallied Sunday to celebrate 100 days in office, touting his early accomplishments and charting future goals as he pledged to lead with a relentless focus on the city’s working class. More: Associated Press

Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va.) said that President Donald Trump should not be surprised that NATO allies aren’t joining him in demanding Iran reopen the Strait of Hormuz, given that he has spent much of this term trash-talking them and imposing tariffs. More: HuffPost

Bishop Robert Barron, a member of President Donald Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission and frequent guest on Fox News channel as well as contributor to Fox News Digital, slammed the commander-in-chief on Monday morning over his stunning attack on Pope Leo XIV the previous evening. More: Mediaite

MIAMI (AP) — The main attraction early at UFC 327 on Saturday night wasn’t any of the fighters, but President Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

Bryan Cranston, Jane Fonda, Joaquin Phoenix and more than 1,000 other Hollywood professionals released an open letter Monday vehemently opposing Paramount Skydance’s takeover of Warner Bros. Discovery, arguing that the corporate tie-up would hurt an industry “already under severe strain.” More: NBC News