Don’t start none; won’t be none

It’s Wednesday. There are 195 days until the midterm elections. DOJ goes KKK, Trump’s numbers hit the Dubya mark and V is for Victory (and Virginia).

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But probably not as much as Virginia Republicans did last night lolol.

Note: We know it can be hard to see, Sexy Patriots, but the tide is turning. Slowly but surely, America is rejecting the world’s most insidious stanky hemorrhoid and his cult. People are rising up. People are voting, like in our righteous victory in Virginia. People are pushing back, like how we told crying Republicans to go shove their tears up their mothers’ asses. And then there’s whatever this was…

Yowzer. We bet he’s never met a tanning bed that delivered a burn like the one she was giving him in that photo. We got like second and third-hand embarrassment for that dumb sonofabitch just looking at that. You can almost see his weird little nuts shriveling up and crawling inside him. We had to know what she said, so we hired a lip-reader and apparently it went like this…

AOC: You’re a deranged lunatic and you’re getting people killed with your stupidity!

RFK Jr: My best friend is a stuffed armadillo. He wears lipstick but it’s fine.

AOC: Oh dear god. You’re really fucked in the head. The worm won!

RFK Jr: The clouds are laughing at me again. Time to go sit in my fart shed with Olivia.

AOC: You’re such a freak! Go eat a dead racoon dick!

RFK Jr: Yes ma’am!

Ok so we don’t know that’s exactly what AOC said, but we bet we’re not that far off. However, that is exactly what RFK said. Our point today is that Democrats are done taking shit. If you want to start a gerrymandering war or you want to bring your crazy anti-vaxx shit into AOC’s committee, then you’re gonna get dealt with. It’s time for a new Democratic Party that ain’t fucking around. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’ve written the words “dead raccoon dick” way too many times this week, and we need some therapy. How about 4 p.m. ET/1 p.m. PT today? Great! See you then!

Note three: While we’re plugging shit, check out our friend Zach Goldberg’s piece about the speech he wishes the WHCA president would give. Thanks to Zach Goldberg for writing. Sam tried to do something similar but it just came out as “FUCK YOU” over and over again.

Note four: Hey you know how Trump’s stupid war was over and he controlled the Strait of Hormuz and all that other bullshit? Well Iran just showed the world exactly how much bullshit it really is. Iran attacking three ships while Trump claims he extended a ceasefire sure seems like a global wedgie to us. More: Associated Press

Note five: In case you’re still subscribed to the shitrag Washington Post, this might help inspire you to cancel them. Fucking hacks.

Note six: While we despise WaPo these days, we do want to take a second to say RIP to former WaPo editor Dan Eggen. We didn’t know him well, but we were sorry to hear he died. Dan was on the first Air Force One trip Sam ever took, and he kindly reminded Sam that it was ok to enjoy the experience. Rest easy, sir. More: The Wrap

Note seven: Tom Homan and Stephen Miller were invited to testify on the Hill today. They’re skipping it because they’re both chickenshit nazi scum. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Hakeem Jeffries is promising “maximum warfare” if Republicans try to redistrict Florida. We have to admit we did the new slogan. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Podcaster Theo Von, who helped elect Trump, says that the world is “fucking dark” now that Trump is president. In other news, Theo Von is a fucking moron. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Rectum?! Damn near killed ‘em! (this is our favorite joke from the movie Black Sheep, and we would like to thank the universe and this bull for giving us the chance to use it.)

Note 11: Los Angeles, we’re not just asking you to vote against Spencer Pratt this year. We’re asking you to humiliate his bitch ass. More: Yahoo

Note 12: There were a lot of brave people in Afghanistan who risked everything to help our troops. So of course Trump is going to fuck them over. More: NBC News

Note 13: A corrupt Democrat resigned yesterday. Good. If she wanted to do that shit, she should have become a Republican. More: NBC News

Note 14: The Blaze accused a Capitol Hill cop of being the pipe bomber. So yeah, she’s about to own the Blaze. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Brain worm raccoon dick is testifying again today. We’re guessing it will go a lot like it did yesterday…

Note 16: Our old friend Devin Nunes is out of a job. This gives him more time to go fuck himself. More: Associated Press

Note 17: There is a huge debate in California tonight. We are begging Democrats there to get their shit together. More: Associated Press

Note 18: Trump says DeSantis is “begging” for a job and wants to be a Supreme Court justice. So just remember that shit can always get worse. More: Axios

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re going to Hollywood. Rich greedy fuckheads try to kill this movie, but it survived and we finally got to see a trailer for it. This might be the greatest movie ever, and we will be in line to see it on the first day. We get excited when art beats assholes.

Note 20: And on that loony tunes note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far and not doing anything to piss off AOC. Can you imagine? We’d never get out of bed again we’d be so fucking embarrassed. Love y’all!

DOJ Hearts KKK
The Southern Poverty Law Center has been instrumental in combating hate groups for decades. So of course the most racist president in modern history wants to destroy them. Yesterday Kash Patel and Todd Blanche announced an 11-count indictment against the group. It is obvious bullshit. The goal is to make Charlottesville and Jan. 6 look like they were caused by the SPLC and the FBI instead of Trump and his scummy friends. Unfortunately for Kash, very few reporters wanted to ask about this obvious bullshit and were instead focused on the report that he drinks on the job. He looks like he’s coming unglued. But he’s always looked like that. More: The Guardian, The Hill

Ouch
We hate Donald Trump. You hate Donald Trump. Everybody hates Donald Trump. Except the racists, the media and Putin. Yeah, we’ve been noting a lot lately that Trump’s approval numbers are in the 30s, but a new AP poll yesterday really got our attention. The AP has his overall approval at 33 percent, his approval on Iran at 32 percent and his approval on the economy at 30 percent. Holy shit those are some bad numbers. Those were basically Dubya’s numbers at the point when America couldn’t stand the sight of him. We hope Republicans will continue to tie themselves to this orange albatross. More: Associated Press

We love Virginia!
Oh Republicans are big mad this morning lol. They started some shit they couldn’t finish, and now they’re whining like the pussies they are. Thanks to Virginia voters, the Old Dominion is getting new congressional maps and Republicans are getting crushed. And holy shit Republicans are crying and cussing about how unfair everything is. Now keep in mind that none of these losers said a fucking word when Trump was telling us how “entitled” he was to extra seats in Texas, so they can all go eat shit. Thank you, Virginia!!! More: NBC News

Today’s clips
WASHINGTON — Rep. Cory Mills, R-Fla., struck a defiant tone Tuesday in saying he has no plans to resign over a House Ethics Committee investigation and bipartisan pressure for him to leave Congress. More: NBC News

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Justice Department has withdrawn subpoenas issued in the investigation of former CIA Director John Brennan, with officials asking for voluntary interviews instead of testimony before a grand jury, two people familiar with the matter said Tuesday. More: Associated Press

BRUSSELS (AP) — European Union envoys gathered on Wednesday with most cautiously optimistic that a massive loan to help meet Ukraine’s military and financial needs for the next two years is close to being approved after months of deadlock. More: Associated Press

MONGOMO, Equatorial Guinea (AP) — Pope Leo XIV urged Equatorial Guinea on Wednesday to work for justice and to close the gap “between the privileged and the disadvantaged,” as he drew attention to the vast income inequalities and human rights abuses in the Central African country. More: Associated Press

Houston police officer Ashley Gonzalez had to turn in her badge and gun after a purported video of her ranting against Black people surfaced, KHOU reported Tuesday. While she has been relieved of duty, she technically remains employed by the department pending a full investigation, police told the station. More: HuffPost