Don’t read this!

It’s Thursday. There are 68 days until the general election. Team Trump doubles down on desecration, some more good polling to ignore and MVP takes primetime.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. So when JD Vance tells VP Harris to “go to hell,” we can tell him to eat shit.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, today is a big day here at Today’s Big Stuff. Today is the day we take things too far and lose all of you. But there’s a certain responsibility that comes with being a cussing newsletter — a responsibility to say the shit that other people won’t. And so we feel like it is our duty to respond to Trump posting grotesque sexual smears against the Vice President of the United States on his shitty failing website.

We thought about it for a while, and we decided not to post that trash here. That’s what that asshole wants so we just included a link so you can read about it. But suffice it to say, Trump has started trafficking the despicable smear that our Vice President did sexual favors to get the career she has. It’s as misogynistic as it is beyond the pale and that guy can fuck all the way off. But here’s our question — Does Donald Trump really want to talk about blowjobs? Because we can do that.

We can talk about the blowjob Trump gave Putin and Kim Jong Un and every other scumbag dictator on the planet. We can talk about the blowjob he gave to oil and gas companies and other shady billionaire corporate trash. We can talk about the blowjob he gave QAnon, racists and neonazis. We can talk about the blowjob he’s giving Elon now that Elon is supporting him. We can talk about the blowjob that Fox News and the entire Republican Party has been giving Trump for the last goddamn decade. We can even talk about how that miserable sexist pig can blow us after he kisses our ass. We can talk about a lot of things. BUT WHAT WE’RE NOT GONNA DO IS PRETEND LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL THAT THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR PRESIDENT HAS DECIDED TO CALL OUR NOMINEE A WHORE. NOT TODAY. NOT EVER.

So we’re sorry if today is a little more crass and a little more real than usual. But this is where we’re drawing a line, and it would sure be nice if the rest of the country joined us. Y’all have a blessed day. More: Independent

Note two: Won’t see that shit in the New York Times, will ya? If you’re still with us, we’re grateful. Now let’s do everything we can to beat those dirtbags.

Note three: We’re gonna talk about the Senate races more in the news section, but we just had to point out this hilarious thing in Pennsylvania where the Republican Senate candidate, who lives in Connecticut, confused Philadelphia, Mississippi for Philadelphia, Pennsylvania yesterday. Oops! Good work, buddy! More: The Hill

Note four: Our corrupt and broken Supreme Court won’t do anything to stop efforts to stop the president’s SAVE efforts to forgive student loans. It’s pretty crazy to think this court believes Biden should be able to murder whomever he wants but not forgive a damn loan. More: NBC

Note five: This made us laugh really hard…

Note six: The Trump campaign is in a fight with the Foo Fighters. Yes, that’s a weird and stupid thing for a presidential campaign to be doing. More: Entertainment Weekly

Note seven: Oh this is too funny. Lauren Boebert’s opponent challenged her to a debate at a theatre. But not just any theatre. It’s THAT theatre. More: Meidas Touch

Note eight: Juggling Dipshit (JD) Vance tried to get tough yesterday telling the Vice President of the United States to “go to hell.” LOL. That from a dude who thinks hell is a place with no couches. It’s always so weird to us that these dudes who make these public submissions to Trump then turn around and expect us to think we’re tough. It’s like, dude, we just watched you kiss that game show host’s orange ass so you ain’t scaring anybody. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We’re eager to talk about this new Fox polling with you (we’re not even joking), but we want to first draw your attention to the abortion measure in Arizona. Fox has abortion rights winning 73-23. That’s a landslide. And the numbers are pretty similar in Nebraska. The New York Times might have forgotten that Roevember is coming, but we haven’t. (Spoiler: The presidential results are in this link. If you want you can wait until the news section, and we’ll put it there too.) More: Fox News

Note 10: Hey so this seems scary as all hell and like the kind of thing we should probably stop. Right?

Note 11: LOL. Jelly Dongface (JD) Vance is big mad that RFK Jr. is still gonna be on the ballot in Wisconsin. If their brain worm puppet ends up biting them in the ass, it’s gonna be the funniest thing to happen to politics since Giuliani went to the wrong Four Seasons. More: WPR

Note 12: Ford has decided it’s going to give in to the anti-diversity a-holes out there. Maybe something to consider when buying your next whip. And we just learned that a whip is what the kids are calling cars these days. More: USA Today

Note 13: So Trump is going full QAnon again. Maybe we’re old-fashioned, but it seems like a big story to us that the former president of the United States is in league with a violent cult of dumbasses. More: AP News

Note 14: By the way, as part of his get-tough-go-to-hell attack on MVP yesterday, Jerkoff Duncehat (JD) Vance confused Abbey Gate, which is in Afghanistan, with Abbey Road, which was a Beatles album. Good one, weirdo. More: Independent

Note 15: Let’s just check in on Elon’s company and yikes. Do not let this man put a chip in your brain.

Note 16: According to CBS, Steve Bannon has exactly two months left in prison. LOL. So you’re definitely having a better day than that crusty piece of shit.

Note 17: Good econ news! Growth from last quarter was revised upward to 3 percent from 2.8 percent. Looking good, GDP! More: Investing.com

Note 18: What’s happening in Omaha, Nebraska is fucking appalling. Americans have the right to vote damnit. And oh by the way, Nebraska can actually decide the dang presidential election. More: Bolts Mag

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to remind you that the Paralympics is underway. We don’t know about y’all, but we enjoyed the hell out of the Olympics and we’re eager to keep those good times going. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! If you’re still with us, thank you. We know sometimes talk like that can scare people off or offend them, and we don’t hold any grudges. But there are some things that just need to be said sometimes. Love y’all!

Sick people

So not only did the Trump campaign ignore Arlington National Cemetery rules and federal law, not only did they verbally and (allegedly) physically assault a woman who works at the cemetery, not only did they lie about it repeatedly while also accusing the woman of having a “mental health episode” but Trump put his gross fucking video on TikTok. So yeah, this is all just about as appalling as it gets, a total defilement of some of our most sacred ground. And you can smell the fear coming off a press corps that would rather be telling Kamala Harris how to run for president. Try to imagine what this story looks like if a Democrat took a goddamn camera crew to ANC for a campaign stunt. Try.

More: HuffPost

Don’t read this!

LOL! We knew you would anyway. It’s a joke that we always say ignore the polls because who the hell can ignore a poll? Even when we know they’re garbage? But here’s the crazy thing — Fox News’s polling unit is actually really good. And yesterday they got even better. In the presidential, the poll shows MVP surging in super tight races with modest leads in Georgia (50-48), Nevada (50-48), Arizona (50-49) and trailing Trump in North Carolina (50-49). And the Senate races are even better. In Arizona, they have Gallego leading Kari Lake (51-36 NOT A TYPO), Jackie Rosen leading Sam Brown (55-41) and Josh Stein leading Mark Robinson in the North Carolina guv race (54-43). And a new USA Today/Suffolk poll out this morning shows VP Harris surging ahead of Trump to take the lead 47.6-43.3. Ok we know we joke a lot but seriously ignore these polls. This shit is way too good to be true, so let’s put in the work! And here’s some new Emerson polling from this morning to bring us all back down to Earth.

More: Fox News

Primetime

Well the national news media can stop crying because tonight VP Harris is doing her first big interview as the nominee with CNN and Dana Bash. Tim Walz is also gonna be there because he’s her running mate and that’s pretty normal for new tickets. But the dude bros in the press have decided that’s not ok, so they have been complaining and today the Wall Street Journal described Walz as Harris’s “chaperone.” So if you want to know why she’s not interested in talking to these assholes, that’s a good place to start.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

The gunman in the assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump searched online for events of both Trump and President Joe Biden, looked up information about explosives over the last five years and eyed the Pennsylvania campaign rally where he opened fire last month as a “target of opportunity,” a senior FBIofficial said Wednesday. More: HuffPost

Far-right activists, violent white supremacists and neo-fascists who have built large followings on Telegram are jumping to the defense of the app’s founder, Pavel Durov. More: NBC

Elon Musk is making a serious dive into politics, hiring a longtime Republican political adviser. More: New Republic