Don’t mess with McIver

It’s Tuesday. There are 532 days until the midterm elections. CBS dies, Senate Democrats are lost and Trump starts arresting members of Congress.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Which comes in handy when you’re screaming LEAVE LAMONICA MCIVER THE FUCK ALONE!

Note: Oh Sexy Patriots. We almost did it. We almost crossed the line. We almost did the one that was too far. And we know what you’re thinking…Guys, you go too far every fucking day and you’re looking fine as hell. Well you’re right on both counts. But today felt like too much even for us. Y’all, we were gonna have an interview with the ghost of Ashli Babbitt today. GASP!

Yeah, so we were super pissed about that insanely fucked up shit and we were gonna handle it in our typical fashion i.e. a deeply profane and disturbing fake interview with a dead domestic terrorist. But then we decided that would be too much. Who knew there was a line? Certainly not us. Anyway, this is straight up bullshit that Trump is giving this trash’s family our money after she attacked the Capitol, and we are mega-fucking angry about it. But goddamnit we just couldn’t do it. We’re sorry. We failed you. So here’s a (fake) interview with Ashli Babbitt’s mom…

Us: Hey, it’s bullshit you get our money because your daughter was a terrorist.

Ashli Babbitt’s mom: It’s jet ski time, baby!

Us: You don’t seem like a good mom.

Ashli Babbitt’s mom: Can’t hear you from my solid gold jet ski!

Us: What color were your daughter’s eyes?

Ashli Babbitt’s mom: Jet ski color!

Us: You’re in a parking lot.

Ok so that’s probably gonna turn out badly. Remember that karma keeps her own scoreboard, and she always comes for Powerball winners and jet-skiing relatives of dead traitors. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s a Tuesday, which means people are voting. If there’s an election near you — especially in Pennsylvania — then please make sure to vote and don’t vote for assholes. More: Bolts Mag

Note three: Trump was on Capitol Hill this morning personally endorsing a $5 trillion hike to the deficit that would kick 14 million Americans off their healthcare so Elon Leon Melvin Musk can get another tax cut. So now America knows exactly who to blame. More: The Hill

Note four: Trump also announced this morning that he’s going to “start looking into this whole thing” about President Biden and the legislation he signed. You really have to hand it to Jake Tapper and Alex Thompson, who we assume are spending the morning stealing from nursing homes.

Note five: Speaking of cognitive decline, here’s the dumbest motherfucker on the planet talking about Biden having “Stage Nine” cancer.

Note six: We’re gonna talk about Senate Democrats in the news section but can someone please tell us WHY THE FUCK CORY BOOKER VOTED TO CONFIRM CHARLES FUCKING KUSHNER AS AMBASSADOR TO FRANCE?! WHO THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE IN?! More: Newsweek

Note seven: Subaru is raising prices. Want to guess why? More: Reuters

Note eight: Trump totally fucked Blue State Republicans this morning, telling reporters that he doesn’t want to do anything with the SALT tax that might help Democratic governors. If only CNN or Axios gave a fuck. More: BGov

Note nine: Set your faces to stunned — Trump lied about the Qatar plane. Yeah, we can’t believe it either. More: CNN

Note 10: Well this is hilarious. Elon Leon is getting the Tiffany treatment from Trump. Or maybe a better way to put it is Trump is treating Elon Leon the way Elon Leon treats his own kids. Guess Elon is back to having zero friends.

Note 11: It’s probably not great that the new director of the NIH is a fucking idiot who proudly belives conspiracy theories. More: Important Context

Note 12: We don’t give a fuck about James Comey and you can’t make us. More: Associated Press

Note 13: Trump had his call with Putin yesterday, and you won’t be surprised to hear he didn’t end the war on Day One. In fact, it looks like he’s just surrendering. Like he did to China. More: The Guardian

Note 14: LOL. Pete Hegseth says he’s offended people think he doesn’t take protecting classified information seriously. Yeah, well we’re offended a drunken nazi is the Secretary of Defense. More: Huff Post

Note 15: Wait. So the Republican plan is to target a man with cancer because some people who assaulted cops and attacked the Capitol were convicted? Go for it. We fucking dare you. Freaks.

Note 16: Oklahoma kids are gonna be so so dumb. This is why you don’t make an ass-kissing shit-for-brains your state superintendent. More: The Guardian

Note 17: The amazing Lauren Underwood has decided to not run for the Senate seat in Illinois. We’re damn excited to see what she does in the House. More: NBC Chicago

Note 18: Just a reminder that massive storms killed like two dozen people in Kentucky and Missouri this weekend and the president of the United States doesn’t give a fuck. More: The Independent

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to the social media site Bluesky, where Adam is leading an effort to get people to unfollow Jake Tapper. And it’s working. He’s lost like 5,000 followers overnight. LOL. This is what you get for sucking, Jake!

Note 20: And on that righteous note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week so far. It’s gotta be better than Ashli Babbit’s, right? Love y’all!

RIP CBS
We really wanted to celebrate the news that Paramount is going to make a Top Gun 3, but unfortunately it’s going to be about Maverick surrendering to an orange tyrant. Or at least that’s what we’re guessing based on what’s been happening over there. Paramount, which owns CBS, has been trying to limit what 60 Minutes says about Trump. They also just pushed out the network’s president of news. So why are they doing all of this? Because they’re going to do a multi-million dollar settlement with Trump so he’ll sign off on a corporate sale. Yes, Shari Redstone is going to kill 60 Minutes and CBS so she can make some more money. Fucking trash. More: NPR

What are we doing?!
We don’t want to be sitting here criticizing our own party when a lunatic dumbfuck is wrecking America. But we also don’t want our party helping out that lunatic dumbfuck like they did last night. For reasons we simply do not understand, a number of Senate Democrats — including some we really like — voted for Trump’s crypto scam that will allow him to be even more corrupt than he already is. We’re not saying cancel these people, but if they represent you, then you might want to call their offices and find out just what the fuck they were thinking. Here’s the list: Alsobrooks, Blunt Rochester, Booker, Cortez Masto, Fetterman, Gallego, Gillibrand, Hassan, Heinrich, Lujan, Ossoff, Padilla, Rosen, Schiff, Slotkin and Warner. Seriously, y’all, what the effing fuck? More: CNN

Fascism is here
This should be all the press is talking about this morning, but they’ve got Democrats to punish and orange ass to kiss. Yesterday Trump’s personal lawyer who is pretending to be a U.S. Attorney announced charges against U.S. Rep. LaMonica McIver. McIver was one of the Democrats who went to inspect an ICE facility in Newark when ICE agents became aggressive and arrested the mayor. Video evidence makes clear that McIver didn’t do a goddamn thing wrong, and this is clearly about intimidation. We stand with Rep. McIver, and we hope other Democrats will show the same courage she has. More: The Hill

Today’s clips
President Donald Trump on Monday dropped a vulgar turn of phrase as he talked about how he’d vowed to avenge his defeat in the 2020 election, which he once again falsely claimed had been rigged against him. More: HuffPost

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is set to testify Tuesday before the Senate Appropriations Committee, where he is likely to be asked similar questions about issues raised in contentious congressional hearings last week. More: NBC News

Elon Musk on Tuesday said he plans to spend “a lot less” on political donations in the future, signaling a change in attitude from President Donald Trump’s top campaign backer. More: CNBC

The latest from Adam