Don’t let Trump babysit your kids

Today’s Big Stuff. August 13, 2024

It’s Tuesday. There are 84 days until the general election. Brain Worm Bob has a bad day, a Colorado conspiracy nut is going to the clink and a slurring Trump bores us to tears. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It comes in handy after listening to two assholes being super weird. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! Normally we like to talk about the news, cuss like sailors and make fun of Republicans. And today is no different. But first, we’ve got to issue a Public Service Announcement: DO NOT LET DONALD TRUMP BABYSIT YOUR KIDS. Now you might think that goes without saying, but…

Sigh. We know the people who need to hear this won’t, but please for the love of dog, don’t let Trump be alone with your kids. You’d be better off making them chug whatever you find under the sink, smoking a pack of cigarettes in their bedroom and then pushing them into a windowless van in exchange for free candy. Why not just take them to a house in the woods made of candy?! Seriously, this dude let his own kids be babysat by Michael Jackson! We’re not even making that up. That’s real. And just scroll down to learn more about the creepshow plane Trump is flying around on these days. 

So to the 20 percent of America out there who really really really hates their kids, please don’t let Trump babysit them. Even a shit-for-brains moron’s kids deserve to be safe. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: TRUMP USED EPSTEIN’S GODDAMN PLANE LAST WEEKEND. GROSS!!!! More: Independent, Adam on TiKTok

Note three: Barrel time!!! We will never ever ever stop laughing that Trump’s campaign was hacked through Roger Stone’s account. Karma’s a bitch, Roger. Now release the emails! More: NBC News

Note four: We are not going to share the photos of Jellybean Doodiemouth (JD) Vance in drag. We don’t have any moral objections. We just don’t want y’all getting all hot and bothered while you’re at work.

Note five: So we’re gonna say this as politely as we can but WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DOUBLE-STANDARD BULLSHIT?!

Note six: They need to give Jordan Chiles her medal back. This is some bullshit. More: CNN

Note seven: These days if you want to see some kick ass journalism, you often have to go to a college newspaper. Yesterday, the University of Florida’s Alligator revealed how former U.S. Sen. Ben Sasse basically robbed the school blind after Ron DeSantis put him in charge of the school. More: Alligator.org

Note eight: Today President Biden and First Lady Dr. Jill Biden are headed to New Orleans where they will tour Tulane University to talk about the Bidens’ cancer “moonshot.” It’s nice to have a president who wants to end cancer instead of being one. More: NOLA

Note nine: HUGE news! The Arizona Secretary of State’s office has confirmed that abortion rights will be on the ballot in the state this November. But remember — abortion is on the ballot everywhere this November. More: NBC News

Note 10: Maybe this is why Trump was slurring and lisping last night. Maybe all these new poll numbers have driven him to drink. More: USA Today

Note 11: Vice President Harris is giving her first major policy speech this Friday in North Carolina where she will talk about her plans to cut costs. And yes it’s super interesting she’s doing it in North Carolina. That map has gotten a whole lot bigger, y’all. More: Reuters

Note 12: So the Georgia Election Board is up to all kinds of messed up shit. They just changed the rules, they’ve reopened an investigation into the 2020 election and one of them suggested himself for a job in the Trump administration. So we probably shouldn’t count on Georgia to put us over the top. More: The Guardian

Note 13: We haven’t talked enough about how Ukraine has been causing havoc inside Russia. It’s nice to think that Ukraine is actually going to win this war after we win our election. More: Politico Europe, Adam on TikTok

Note 14: Hey, Wisconsin, it’s Election Day! Make sure you VOTE NO on the two constitutional amendments.

Note 15: Sometimes we think about how much Trump must hate Vance and we just laugh and laugh and laugh…

Note 16: Chris Cilizza is back on MSNBC. So we’ll be watching paint dry instead. Like what the hell? Did they run out of mediocre white dorks? (NO LINK)

Note 17: The UAW has filed labor charges against Elon Musk for being an anti-worker dick. Ok so there’s more to it than that, but that’s basically the gist. More: UAW

Note 18: Our California readers were rocking and rolling yesterday. Literally. An earthquake hit SoCal. If you were one of the people shaking yesterday, do you have an emergency kit and plan for when the big one hits? More: Huff Post

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you this beautiful cover of Time. Try not to think about how a slurring lisping Trump said last night that he thought Vice President Harris looks like Melania. So fucked up.

Note 20: And on that stunning note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week so far. And if you happen to have all those hacked materials, send them to us. We’ll post that shit. Love y’all!

Bummer, Brain Worm
You’re not gonna believe this, but it turns out RFK Jr. is full of shit. Ok so you will believe it. Yesterday a judge said the brain worm dude can’t be on the ballot in New York because he lied about being a resident while collecting signatures. Dude lives in LA, and we all know it. Gosh, if he’ll lie about this, what won’t he lie about? Oh right. Everything. More: Huff Post

Later, Tina
This is why you shouldn’t hang out with a bad crowd. Especially when that bad crowd is led by a dipshit like Donald Trump and waging war against both democracy and reality. Tina Peters, the Colorado clerk who compromised voting equipment in an idiotic attempt to prove fraud, was convicted on seven of 10 counts yesterday. That includes four felonies. Tina is gonna have some time to think about the dumbass consequences of her dumbass actions. Bye, Tina. More: CPR.org

Ugh 
So it turns out that watching a billionaire kiss an idiot’s ass for two hours isn’t all that entertaining. Who knew? In a Twitter Spaces event that was marred by technical difficulties and two dickheads talking, Trump returned to Twitter Monday, slurring, lisping and lying. And seriously what the hell was that thing about VP Harris looking like Melania? Elon is lying today and claiming a billion people tuned in. We kinda wish that was true. It would be nice if a billion people heard Trump being a slurring moron and Elon being a weird and pathetic kiss ass. Now we’d like to see a manager to get those two hours of our lives back. Oh and the Trump campaign really didn’t like questions about Trump’s slurring… More: Huff Post

Today’s clips

Gov. Tim Walz (D-Minn.), Vice President Harris’s running mate, will launch his first solo fundraising swing this week, a Harris-Walz campaign official first confirmed to The Hill. More: The Hill

A former Kansas police chief linked to the Aug. 11, 2023, raid of a local newspaper was formally charged with one count of interference with the judicial process. More: NBC News

P.S. Adam launched a new YouTube channel to cover breaking news, viral clips and live events. Please consider subscribing. By subscribing you will not get any emails, just notifications on YouTube when new videos post if you have alerts on! Subscribe here: Adam on YouTube