Donald’s dumb distractions

It’s Monday. There are 470 days until the midterm elections. The FBI’s Trump-Epstein tales, America has soured on the cankles guy and something to make you smile.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Obama made us do it.

Housekeeping note: Adam and Sam will hold a weekly therapy session tomorrow (Tuesday 7/22) at 4 PM ET/1PM PT!

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Welcome to what promises to be a fun week of President Cankles J. Trump trying like hell to make us all forget he was best friends with pedophile and human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. We already some serious flatulating and flailing this weekend as the cankler-in-chief sent out his minions to try and put President Obama in prison for some obviously made up shit…

(video h/t Republicans Against Trumpism)

LOL. Nice try, Cankles McEpsteinfriend. We all know who the actual felon in that video is. If you’re like us, you’re almost enjoying watching the scale of this freakout. Like we knew Trump was probably kinda guilty of some gross and evil Epstein shit but we didn’t know he was use-AI-to-make-Obama-getting-arrested-porn guilty. He must be all over those files! In fact, we got a sneak peak at this week’s White House distraction calendar as we will no doubt learn more about Cankles and Epstein…

Monday: Reveal that the Statue of Liberty is a non-white woman and possibly French

Tuesday: Drone strikes on Los Angeles, Iran, the National Museum of African American History and Culture and the cell where Epstein killed himself

Wednesday: Everybody tune in as the White House reveals Barron’s real father

Thursday: Obama wears a tan thong!

Friday: A pantsless Trump is arrested at Chuck E. Cheese as our gross pervo president leans in

Phew! It’s gonna be quite a week. Remember when all of this crazy shit would have seemed beyond impossible? Now we bet at least half of this shit will actually happen. And Barron’s real dad is Sam. Suck it, Cankles! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: While we’re on the topic of Epstein’s buddy trying to distract us all, he actually did spend the weekend threatening a football team in an effort to bring back a racist mascot. So yeah, he’s super fucking guilty. More: ESPN

Note three: Tommy Tuberville thinks Trump’s cankles came from “radical leftists.” We think they came from comedy heaven because it’s the funniest shit we’ve heard in a long time. More: Yahoo

Note four: Trump says his approval ratings are skyrocketing thanks to the scandal with him and his best friend Jeffrey Epstein. Please stay tuned for the news section where we’ll explain why that’s absolute horseshit. More: HuffPost

Note five: Speaking of absolute horseshit, check out this dumb sonofabitch trying to make excuses for flying on the Epstein plane. Is anybody buying this?

Note six: The piece of shit cop who killed Breonna Taylor is getting sentenced today. DOJ is recommending a one-day sentence. Taylor’s mom is “heartbroken and angry.” So are we, ma’am. More: NBC News

Note seven: The WGA is calling for an investigation into whether CBS canceled Colbert as part of its bribe to Trump. Hell yeah. More of this. More: HuffPost

Note eight: The WNBA all-stars made a statement this weekend, and we’ve got their backs. More: NBC News

Note nine: You wanna know how disgusting CBS’s actions have been? Even Fox’s Howie Kurtz is calling them out. And that dude sucks! More: Mediaite

Note 10: Fox is doing a great job of covering up the scandal about Trump and his best friend Jeffrey Epstein. That means Fox is covering for pedophiles. Sick fucks.

Note 11: Karen Bass went on This Week yesterday and called for an end to ICE’s “reign of terror” in L.A. Host Martha Raddatz trotted out some bullshit GOP talking points, but Bass is right. Fuck ICE. Free L.A. More: Politico

Note 12: For those keeping score at home, Trump has still not ended Russia’s illegal and brutal war against Ukraine. It’s almost like he’s Putin’s little beotch. Almost. More: Associated Press

Note 13: This dude’s campaign is fucking fire. Even if you don’t like him — and we do — you have to respect his game.

Note 14: Superman topped the box office again this weekend. It’s reassuring to know that whiny right-wing scumbags couldn’t slow down the man of steel. More: Deadline

Note 15: The guy who founded the Heritage Foundation died. So hell is a little more crowded today. More: USA Today

Note 16: Great news, everybody! Nutlick says we’re getting new trade deals in two weeks! FART NOISE!

Note 17: Trump is ramping up his efforts to have Adam Schiff arrested. So America is doing great these days. More: Mediaite

Note 18: Parking ticket attorney Alina Habba has been a disaster as interim U.S. Attorney in New Jersey, and her tenure should be ending this week. We’re sure Trump will find someplace else to put her where she can suck at her job. More: Alina Habba

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we thought y’all might enjoy this stand-up clip about Trump’s idiotic feud with Rosie O’Donnell.

Note 20: And on that way too accurate note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend. Get ready for shit to get REALLY stupid this week. So basically like last week. Love y’all!

Scandalous!
While Trump is doing everything he can to change the subject, even the New York Times is writing multiple stories about him and his best friend Jeffrey Epstein. But of all the bombshells out this weekend, the one that really got our attention was one about Pam Bondi ordering 1,000 FBI agents to go through the Epstein files and flag every mention of Trump. UM WOW! And that shit won’t be in the grand jury transcripts Trump is trying to fool everyone with. There have also been plenty of stories this week reminding us all that Trump is a super creepy sex creep and he never should have been within a hundred feet of the Oval Office or a school. More: Axios

More poopy poll numbers
Despite lies from Trump and his Mike Little Johnson, Trump’s approval numbers are a damn disaster. Even the scum at CBS have him underwater on immigration and deportation. His overall approval rating is at 42/58. As Simon Rosenberg pointed out, that’s a 22-point drop from February when Trump was above water at 53-47 in the same poll. Yikes. Oh and 89 percent (!) want Trump and DOJ to “release all its information regarding the Epstein case.” So that probably won’t get good for the ol’ approval rating either. If only Americans had remembered how much this guy sucks back in November. More: USA Today

LOLOL!!!
This isn’t the most important news of the day, but it’s pretty great and might help restore your faith in the universe. We didn’t think Trump would actually file a lawsuit against the Wall Street Journal and Rupert Murdoch, but he did. And he filed it in Aileen Cannon’s district because he know she puts her corrupt thumb on the scale for him. So what’s so funny and uplifting about this? Well Cannon didn’t get the case. Instead it’s going to Judge Darrin Gayles, who was appointed by President Barack Obama. LOLOL!!!! Oops!!!! More: Newsweek

Today’s clips
DEIR AL-BALAH, Gaza Strip (AP) — The U.N. food agency accused Israel of using tanks, snipers and other weapons to fire on a crowd of Palestinians seeking food aid, in what the territory’s Health Ministry said was one of the deadliest days for aid-seekers in over 21 months of war. More: Associated Press

An 82-year-old man in Pennsylvania was secretly deported to Guatemala after visiting an immigration office last month to replace his lost green card, according to his family, who have not heard from him since and were initially told he was dead. More: The Guardian

Unearthed video of now-President Donald Trump showing him judging a modeling competition with contestants in their teens has racked up over 12 million views amid the furor over the so-called “Epstein Files.” More: Mediaite

Skydance Media CEO David Ellison met with FCC chairman Brendan Carr and other agency staffers this week to discuss the pending regulatory decision on the company’s merger with Paramount Global, where topics included news coverage. More: Deadline

For his family’s holiday this year the US vice-president is understood to have chosen the Cotswolds, where Land Rovers outnumber pickup trucks. More: The Guardian

Sen. Lisa Murkowski said she feels “cheated” after she won a concession in the recently passed tax and spending law to protect wind and solar projects, only to see the president and his administration issue recent orders that she said seem designed to quickly quash such projects. More: ADN