Debate Day

Today’s Big Stuff. September 10, 2024.

It’s Tuesday. Debate Day. There are 56 days until the general election. Republicans get even weirder, the NYT finally sees Trump and Obamacare has a big day. 

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And last night it cried about Darth Vader dying. 

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, we pride ourselves on being different from other newsletters. We cuss, we make poop jokes and we tell the truth. Politico Playbook doesn’t do any of that shit. Today, though, we’re going to be really, really different — we’re going to be the only two mediocre white guys working in politics who aren’t going to try to tell the Vice President of the United States how she should run her campaign or debate Trump. Crazy, right?

Instead we’re just going to ask the Vice President a favor — ma’am, please kick his wrinkled orange ass from here to the moon and back. Pretty please. Please fuck him up good. Four years ago, it was insanely cathartic to hear Joe Biden tell Trump to “shut up.” Now we’re excited to hear MVP tell Trump to eat shit. Ok so she probably won’t do that, but you can’t blame us for hoping. 

These are tense days, SPs. The polling is close, all the pundits are being their usual asshead selves and the whole world will be watching. So yeah, tonight is pretty huge. Aren’t you glad we’ve got an awesome candidate and not some dumbass gameshow host? Aren’t you glad you don’t have to worry about your candidate going on some deranged and idiotic tangent about Hannibal Lecter? Sure this is stressful, but at least our candidate isn’t a shit-for-brains lunatic who clearly craps himself and likes it. So let us trust in Kamala. Let us trust she will kick some ass, and then let us get to work spreading the word. 

Make him cry, ma’am. Y’all have a blessed day. 

Note two: The James Earl Jones news hit us hard. So we rewatched Coming to America last night, and this Halloween we will watch the Simpsons where he read The Raven. RIP, sir. More: Variety

Note three: Twitter has gotten so gross, but at least it will be dead soon. Elon “Leon” Musk announced this morning that he’s getting rid of the block and mute functions in December. He says it’s for the First Amendment, so yeah, he has no idea what he’s talking about. Kiss our asses, Leon. NO LINK ON PURPOSE

Note four: Anyone else excited to hear Trump’s healthcare plan tonight?

Note five: There’s a line in the movie Almost Famous when Penny Lane says, “doesn’t the truth just sound different?” Yes. Yes, it does. 

Note six: Tommy Tuberville is being an asshole to our military again, this time blocking the promotion of a general who would command the Army in the Pacific. More: The Hill

Note seven: We got three polls out of North Carolina yesterday, and MVP was leading in two of them. If we win NC, it’s over. Rise up, Tarheel State! More: The Hill

Note eight: This is so extremely fucked up. A secret network of influencers were paid to spread gross rumors about MVP. Joe Biden can drone strike these people thanks to SCOTUS, right? More: New Republic

Note nine: Trump said the states could decide on abortion now. Except in places like Missouri where his buddies are refusing to let voters have a say. More: St. Louis Public Radio

Note 10: You might wonder who could be a bigger wimp that Mike Pence? Well the answer is Just Dickless (JD) Vance…

Note 11: Texas AG Ken Paxton wants to be able to track women’s travel. This is coming nationwide if Trump wins. More: Reuters

Note 12: North Carolina state justices pulled some bullshit to keep RFK Jr on the ballot. Michigan went the other way. More: NBC News

Note 13: We’re still waiting to see if Republicans are going to shut down the government at Trump’s request. So far it looks like even Republicans aren’t in favor of it. More: The Hill

Note 14: We freaking love the White Stripes, and it’s so great to see them reuniting to sue Trump to hell and back. More: Associated Press

Note 15: The world is going to see Trump as the rapist he really is when this movie comes out. He must be shitting himself. 

Note 16: Jewish Democrats condemned Tucker Carlson for interviewing a Holocaust revisionist. It’s a shame Jumping Doodyface (JD) Vance couldn’t do the same. More: Axios

Note 17: A HUGE move from President Biden yesterday as his administration finalized a rule to require health insurers to pay for mental health care. Mental health is health, and this is a damn welcome development from the president of the United States. Thanks, Dark Brandon! More: CNN

Note 18: The Senate Judiciary Committee is holding a hearing on Sept. 24 about that insane SCOTUS immunity ruling. More: The Hill

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you this ad from the Harris-Walz campaign that includes Obama making fun of Trump’s tiny pecker and a close up of some tiny orange hands. Enjoy! 

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all take it easy today. Nothing to do but wait and maybe make some phone calls to undecided voters while you do. It’s kinda like flying — all we have to do is get on the plane and trust the pilot. And our pilot’s got this. Love y’all!

So fucking weird
Yesterday Just Deranged (JD) Vance and Leon Musk spent the day spreading a rumor that Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Ohio have been stealing and eating pet cats. Yes, it’s gross and totally fucked up. It’s also a totally racist lie that was debunked repeatedly throughout the day. So what did Vance do this morning? He put out some tweets that said yeah it might be a lie but the racist shit behind it is true. So if you’re keeping score at home, Vance isn’t just a weird couch-fucking kiss-ass; he’s also a racist liar. More: New Republic

Hallelujah!
Well holy shit, y’all, it’s a damn miracle. It only took years, but yesterday the New York Times finally noticed Trump’s cognitive decline. Yeah, they actually wrote a story about how Trump has lost his fucking mind. They even mentioned how the press cleans up what Trump says so he seems more normal. We have no idea what happened to the real Peter Baker, but we like this version a lot more. Now we just need a story on this every single day like it was that emails bullshit. More: New York Times

Let’s go!!!
Elections matter, y’all. Because that’s how policy gets made and how lives get changed for better or for worse. And thanks to Barack Obama and Joe Biden, a policy like Obamacare has made a lot of lives better. In fact, the White House announced today that 50 million people have signed up for Obamacare at some point since it became law. We also saw record enrollment this year as 18 million people signed up. Thank you, Presidents Obama and Biden. More: Bloomberg Law

Today’s clips
Allies of Donald Trump see Tuesday's debate as a pivotal moment for the Republican presidential nominee — a chance to shore up support and turn the corner from Kamala Harris' post-nomination "honeymoon." More: NBC News

An overnight Israeli airstrike on an area that Israel itself had designated as a humanitarian zone for displaced people in southern Gaza killed and injured dozens of Palestinians, according to local officials in the besieged enclave. Israel said the operation targeted Hamas fighters there. More: CNN

The man suspected of shooting five people traveling on a Kentucky interstate texted a woman ahead of the attack, warning of his plan to “kill a lot of people,” according to a warrant for his arrest. More: CNN