Deadly Donorhea

It’s Tuesday. There are 91 days until the midterm elections. Donorhea kills two, the Michigan primary mercifully comes to an end and Republicans are creeps.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But at least it hasn’t run out of missiles.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, it’s official — we’re the media now. And we’re not sure we are ready for that awesome responsibility. We just know those other fuckers aren’t either. In today’s New York Times, super asshole, failed actor and spoiled rotten rich kid David Ellison is insisting that he is a totally normal both-sides dude who totally wouldn’t interfere at CNN and CBS the way he has interfered at CBS.

You know what our reply to that is? FART NOISE!!!!!!! Because fuck that lying little weasel. Everyone knows that the Ellisons aren’t just tools; they are tools of the Israeli government and Donald Trump. They have let Bullshit Bari Weiss destroy CBSNews and 60 Minutes and they have thrown party after party to kiss Trump’s ass. Only a fucking moron would think this dude is telling the truth. Or the editors of the New York Times editorial page.

The good news here is that little rich boy is clearly worried about this merger going through. And that makes us happy. Thank you to the AGs who are giving this spoiled shit some heartburn. He deserves it. And if worse comes to worse, we’ll be the media. But we can’t imagine anyone wants that from two sexy motherfuckers like us. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey so the president of the United States is a money launderer. Seems like a big deal, don’t it? More: ABC News

Note three: We’re all waiting for Jeanine Pirro to get fired after she dropped charges against the Reflecting Pool people. We don’t actually care that she displeased the king. We actually do care that the president is trying to put people in prison to validate his idiotic delusions and obvious lies. More: AP

Note four: John Cornyn and Thom Tillis are sackless chickenshits who are continuing the Epstein cover-up even though they had nothing to lose. We hope they both fuck right off. More: HuffPost

Note five: Texas, what the fuck are you doing? Making weed a felony? Just when we thought the Lone Star State couldn’t suck any worse. Y’all need some James Talarico in your life stat.

Note six: While all eyes are on Michigan today, we do want to remind you that there are lots of elections going down, and you should probably go vote if one is happening near you. Just please remember to not vote for any assholes. We’re all full up. More: Bolts Mag

Note seven: Zohran Mamdani is doing a good job. And our cities are not hellholes. More: ABC7 NY

Note eight: For weeks, Trump has been saying the U.S. controls the Strait of Hormuz. We knew he was lying, but it was still pretty jarring when he confessed yesterday that he’s hoping to have it open by today. More: HuffPost

Note nine: We’re almost afraid to ask this, but who are you voting for today, Michiganders?

Note 10: Trump is about to start shooting blanks. If only he’d started sooner, then we would have to deal with Don Jr.

Note 11: ICE has killed again. Please remember this if you’re having a hard time getting behind a Democratic candidate this year. We have to stop this horror show. More: HuffPost

Note 12: We want to thank Chuck Schumer for helping Republicans fund the government and ensuring that Trump continues to do whatever the fuck he wants. God forbid our leaders try and stop this shit. More: NBC News

Note 13: Trump says Blue Cities have gross trees. We doubt he knows jack shit about trees, but he is an expert on gross.

Note 14: Happy birthday to President Barack Obama. Goddamn we miss you, man.

Note 15: ICE is putting ankle monitors on Haitians. Guess they ran out of gold stars. More: Cincinnati.com

Note 16: Thank you to comedian Chelsea Handler for being shocked at how much Joe Rogan made last year. She responded better than we can. More: HuffPost

Note 17: This clips needs no introduction. But let’s get this man some Taylor Farms lettuce right away…

Note 18: Reuters has Trump’s approval at 35 percent. He’s in the cellar to everyone except Washington Republicans and reporters. More: Reuters

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we ask you to remember to support your local library. Before they kill again…

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a good week so far and not watching CBS. Because they suck. They suck hairy donkey nuts. Love y’all!

Trump Shittin’ Disease

We don’t mean to make light of this since it is now officially deadly. Two people have now died in Michigan from cyclosporiasis just days after the president of the United States said he hadn’t given the illness any thought. Maybe it should be a scandal that the president and his HHS secretary don’t give a fuck if Americans get sick or die. Anyway, please be safe out there. Eat chocolate instead of lettuce. It’s safer.

More: NPR

Almost Over

We’re staying in Michigan for this one. Y’all, we did it. We made it to the end of the bitter, nasty and divisive Michigan Democratic primary for the United States Senate. We will know tonight if we’re supporting either Dr. Adbul El-Sayed or Rep. Haley Stevens. We honestly don’t give a shit who wins anymore. We just want it to be over so we can start the healing and win this seat in November. So please, for the love of all that is holy, let’s get on the same page starting tomorrow. And if you live in Michigan, don’t forget to vote!

More: VoteBeat, AP

Creeps

Donald Trump is sticking by Max Miller. At least publicly. Trump backed Miller, who has been credibly accused of beating his ex-wife, ex-girlfriend and child. Trump joined Gym Jordan in telling Americans what a good guy Miller is. But behind the scenes, Trump suggested Miller shouldn’t run for re-election. Polling shows Miller having a hard time against Democrat Brian Poindexter, and that’s why Republicans are suddenly calling for him to step down. But notice they are not saying the same about Rep. Chuck Edwards, who was found by the House Ethics Committee to be a serial sexual harassment creepshow. Their response is to try and censure him instead of booting his gross ass out of the House. This is the Republican Party, y’all.

More: CNN, The Guardian, NPR

Today’s clips

WASHINGTON — A federal judge is allowing the Department of Homeland Security to go ahead for now with plans to build a border wall through a levee system protecting a small Texas town on the border with Mexico, rejecting arguments by the town that the wall could lead to flooding. More: NBC News

A 37-year-old Spokane, Washington, resident with a previous manslaughter conviction was arrested Monday in connection with the largest of the region’s three wildfires, which have displaced thousands of people and destroyed hundreds of structures, authorities said. More: NBC News

More than 20 states and the District of Columbia sued the Trump administration on Monday to block it from getting wide access to the personal information of millions of recipients of a benefits program for low-income families. More: NBC News

NEW YORK (AP) — Investors in Elon Musk’s space company get a chance to question him Tuesday after SpaceX issues its first quarterly earnings since going public. More: AP

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump is making a rare visit to California and Nevada this week to try to draw contrasts with Democrats on the economy, border security and crime, seeking to shore up support for Republicans in November electionsthat will determine whether his party keeps control of Congress. More: AP

WNBA star Caitlin Clark responded to recent anti-trans comments from her teammate Sophie Cunningham, saying leagues should work with athletes “to find solutions” regarding trans girls and women in sports. More: HuffPost