Dead Raccoon Peni$

It’s Thursday. There are 201 days until the midterm elections. Sotomayor breaks our hearts, Trump takes his Pope hate out on some children and Senate Dems start to become anti-war.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it would never tell you to eat a dog.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’re shaking it up today. We promise we are not going to kick things off by talking about a certain furniture fucker. No, we are moving on to a different asshole. We have days where we are able to forget that a psycho freak felcher who has a dead worm in his brain is in charge of our health. And then we see shit like this and it all comes crashing back to us…

Well that’s odd. Not that he cut off a raccoon cock, but that he’s so far managed to not cut off his own. Damnit. But we’re guessing y’all know where we’re going with this, so here now for an interview is a dead raccoon with a cut off penis…

Us: Um, hi, dead racoon with a cut off penis. How are you?

Dead Racoon With Cut Off Penis: Hey guys! Love the newsletter! You can call me Randy.

Us: Hi, Randy. Thanks for reading our newsletter. We didn’t know it made it to dead dickless raccoon Heaven.

Randy: Oh yeah. It’s huge up here. So you guys want to ask me about RFK Jr. cutting off my dingus?

Us: No. We want to ask you to be our new HHS Secretary.

Randy: Oh gosh, guys. I’m a dead raccoon who got his pecker cut off. I’m not qualified for that. But of course neither is that fucking asshole. I accept!

Us: Hooray!!!

Unfortunately, that interview with a dead raccoon was not real. The news story is, but we made up the part with Randy. But it sure was a beautiful dream while it lasted. Because there’s no way a dead de-peckered raccoon could be any dumber than that crazy sonofabitch. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We had therapy yesterday and it was awesome! If you missed it, you can get caught up here. We’re gonna try to do another one tomorrow.

Note three: Jeanine Pirro just launched her latest bad idea. She has set up a tip line for people to call about crimes Eric Swalwell might have committed. Ok cool. We hope people use it. We also hope they let her know about the rapist piece of shit she works for. The number is 202-252-0809.

Note four: It’s Election Day in New Jersey. The special election to fill the seat held by now-Gov. Mikie Sherrill is today. Let’s bring it home! More: NBC News

Note five: Our drunken lunatic SecDef had another outburst disguised as a press conference this morning. Here’s how it went…

Note six: It probably ain’t going anywhere, but we were happy to see Democrats file articles of impeachment against Hegseth. We’d also like to file articles of kiss our asses. More: The Guardian

Note seven: Horror this morning in Virginia as police are investigating a murder-suicide at former Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax’s home. Apparently, he murdered his wife and then killed himself. More: KATU

Note eight: Some good news as Trump lawyer and American traitor John Eastman was disbarred. Now if only we could throw his wrinkled ass in prison. More: The Hill

Note nine: Remember when Saudi Arabia tried to create a new pro golf tour and revealed which American golfers were greedy sellout bitches? Well now the Saudis are about to cut them off. Oh well. Fuck ‘em. More: NBC News

Note 10: This freakshow is testifying in front of Congress today. We hope he gets asked if he eats dog. We also hope he fucks off forever.

Note 11: House Democrats are trying to protect Haitian immigrants from Trump’s lies and attacks. Shit like this reminds us why we’re proud to be in this party. More: NBC News

Note 12: Europe is about to run out of jet fuel. So yeah, Trump has basically broken the world economy. Are we respected again or what? More: Associated Press

Note 13: Elise Stefanik threw away her whole career for Trump. And she’s still kissing his ass. Good for Pamela Brown for pushing back on this bullshit. Fuck you, Elise!

Note 14: Cankles is in Vegas today, trying to sell his tax cuts for rich people even though normal people can’t afford to fill up their gas tanks. More: Associated Press

Note 15: Trump is talking about filling more Supreme Court vacancies. So yeah we really need to win the Senate this year. More: HuffPost

Note 16: We’re not sure if we’ve mentioned this before, but the vultures at TMZ have moved into Washington, D.C. and it seems to be scaring the shit out of the politicians and their staff. Good. They need some vultures picking at them. More: HuffPost

Note 17: We almost hate to show you this. But try to imagine the next Democratic president delivering this message on Fox News. It’s like a dream, ain’t it?

Note 18: We’re sending love to everyone in the Midwest who has been hit by those awful storms. Y’all stay safe! More: NBC News

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Fairhope, Alabama, where 62-year-old Renea Gamble was acquitted by a judge yesterday. What did she do? Well, she exercised her right as an American to dress up like a giant penis and carry a sign that reads “No Dick-tator.” She never should have been arrested in the first place. Keep kicking ass, Renea! More: AL.com

Note 20: And on that just note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week and not cutting off any dead raccoon penises. But we know you’d never do anything like that. Love y’all!

SCOTUS SUCKSUS
We were cheering so hard for Justice Sonia Sotomayor when she called out Brett Kavanaugh for being a spoiled rotten, out-of-touch piece of shit. So it wrecked us to see that she apologized. Why? Why did she have to do this? Especially at a time when Clarence Thomas is publicly attacking progressives as an existential threat to this country. Fortunately, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson will not be silenced and she’s calling out some bullshit. More: CNN, Newsweek, HuffPost

Trump vs. God
Trump is mad at the Pope for calling out his stupid war, so naturally he’s taking it out on some poor kids. Yeah, the Trump administration cut off $11 million for a Catholic charity in Miami that takes care of unaccompanied minors who are immigrants. While the charity received notice in March that the funding was being cut off, we still think it’s President Asshole fighting with the Pope. Or maybe Trump is just a soulless fuck who hates kids. Or maybe it’s both. These Christians who love Trump sure are full of shit, aren’t they? More: Miami Herald

Whoa
Yesterday, Senate Republicans (and John Fetterman) successfully stopped Democrats from trying to prevent the sale of more bombs and bulldozers to Israel. And while that’s frustrating, the real story is in the vote count. An overwhelming majority of Senate Democrats voted against the measures that would send more hardware to Israel. And that includes the Senate Democrats with 2028 ambitions. Hell, even Cory Booker voted against this shit. The seven Democrats who voted against the block on more weapons sales are: Chris Coons, Richard Blumenthal, Fetterman, Schumer, Jacky Rosen, Gillibrand and Cortez-Masto. There are big changes happening in the world, y’all. More: The Intercept, The Guardian

Today’s clips
BAMENDA, Cameroon (AP) — Pope Leo XIV blasted the “handful of tyrants” who are ravaging Earth with war and exploitation, as he preached a message of peace Thursday in the epicenter of a separatist conflict considered one of the world’s most neglected crises. More: Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) — President Donald Trump’s design for the Triumphal Arch he wants built at an entrance to the U.S. capital comes up for a review and possible vote Thursday by a key federal agency, one of several projects he is pursuing alongside a White House ballroom to leave his lasting footprint on Washington. More: Associated Press

Sen. Tommy Tuberville (R-Ala.) disparaged Muslims in an interview Wednesday on “The Benny Show,” calling their religion a “cult.” More: HuffPost

WASHINGTON (AP) — An effort to ramp up U.S. weapons production and build more ships, planes and drones will require a massive upfront investment, President Donald Trump’s budget director told a House committee Wednesday. More: HuffPost

NEW ORLEANS — The French government is pressing the U.S. Department of Homeland Security to release the 86-year-old French widow of a military veteran from immigration custody after she was detained earlier this month. More: NBC News